John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
Opinions expressed here are not the opinions of my employer. They are the opinions of Elvis Presley as relayed to me telepathically by the inhabitants of Venus. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nvcwxxjti7dvgqovf2rrml2c/feed/aaaj5zycfldqi
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John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
· Oct 4
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.
Reposted by John Lyon
2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2̶0̶2̶2̶ 2̶0̶2̶3̶ 2̶0̶2̶4̶ 2̶0̶2̶5̶ 2026 will be my year.
December 29, 2025 at 3:58 PM
2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2̶0̶2̶2̶ 2̶0̶2̶3̶ 2̶0̶2̶4̶ 2̶0̶2̶5̶ 2026 will be my year.
Reposted by John Lyon
I'm bring-a-book-to-the-computer-room-so-you-can-read-while-you-wait-for-web-pages-to-load old
December 30, 2025 at 6:22 AM
I'm bring-a-book-to-the-computer-room-so-you-can-read-while-you-wait-for-web-pages-to-load old
Reposted by John Lyon
Life is what happens to you while you're folding laundry.
December 29, 2025 at 4:54 PM
Life is what happens to you while you're folding laundry.
Reposted by John Lyon
There’s still time to accomplish your 2025 resolutions.
For example, I still have a few days to make Margot Robbie fall in love with me.
For example, I still have a few days to make Margot Robbie fall in love with me.
December 27, 2025 at 4:06 PM
There’s still time to accomplish your 2025 resolutions.
For example, I still have a few days to make Margot Robbie fall in love with me.
For example, I still have a few days to make Margot Robbie fall in love with me.
Reposted by John Lyon
“Guess what? Chicken butt.“ was six seven for Gen X
December 29, 2025 at 6:52 PM
“Guess what? Chicken butt.“ was six seven for Gen X
Reposted by John Lyon
The best way to resolve conflict is to take a deep breath then vanish into the woods.
December 29, 2025 at 6:30 PM
The best way to resolve conflict is to take a deep breath then vanish into the woods.
Reposted by John Lyon
One thought a day feels like it should be enough.
December 30, 2025 at 3:04 AM
One thought a day feels like it should be enough.
Reposted by John Lyon
nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel
December 21, 2025 at 5:28 AM
nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel
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I've been waxing my car for years, and I still don't know karate
December 29, 2025 at 6:19 PM
I've been waxing my car for years, and I still don't know karate
Reposted by John Lyon
The undeniable odor signaling that somewhere, an orange has turned evil.
December 27, 2025 at 9:28 PM
The undeniable odor signaling that somewhere, an orange has turned evil.
Reposted by John Lyon
An unattractive woman asked for my phone number today outside a restaurant, so I gave her a fake.
I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.
I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.
December 29, 2025 at 4:26 PM
An unattractive woman asked for my phone number today outside a restaurant, so I gave her a fake.
I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.
I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.
Reposted by John Lyon
I’m not late, time is wrong
December 30, 2025 at 1:36 AM
I’m not late, time is wrong
Reposted by John Lyon
Silent letters? All of them are. Mail doesn't talk, you knave!
December 30, 2025 at 3:56 AM
Silent letters? All of them are. Mail doesn't talk, you knave!
Reposted by John Lyon
I've been dressing witchier and older to keep men away.
December 29, 2025 at 12:15 PM
I've been dressing witchier and older to keep men away.
Reposted by John Lyon
Someone blocked me.
Nature is healing.
Nature is healing.
December 30, 2025 at 1:32 AM
Someone blocked me.
Nature is healing.
Nature is healing.
Reposted by John Lyon
Grunting "oh my my, oh hell yes, got to put on that party dress" over and over as I put on pants
December 14, 2025 at 3:03 AM
Grunting "oh my my, oh hell yes, got to put on that party dress" over and over as I put on pants
Reposted by John Lyon
Today they did a test run in NYC to make sure the confetti works on NYE. Not to worry, apparently gravity is still working fine.
December 29, 2025 at 7:23 PM
Today they did a test run in NYC to make sure the confetti works on NYE. Not to worry, apparently gravity is still working fine.
Reposted by John Lyon
The date today is 12/25/25. In thirteen months the date will be 25/25/25. It's very rare when something like that happens.
December 26, 2025 at 2:10 AM
The date today is 12/25/25. In thirteen months the date will be 25/25/25. It's very rare when something like that happens.
Reposted by John Lyon
2025, the year in review:
💩
💩
December 29, 2025 at 8:55 AM
2025, the year in review:
💩
💩
Reposted by John Lyon
as the prophecy foretold
December 29, 2025 at 1:56 PM
as the prophecy foretold
Reposted by John Lyon
me: please don’t judge me
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
December 29, 2025 at 2:53 PM
me: please don’t judge me
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
Reposted by John Lyon
David Attenborough [whispering]:
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
December 29, 2025 at 5:08 PM
David Attenborough [whispering]:
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
Some people confuse vasectomy with castration, but there’s a vas deferens between them.
December 29, 2025 at 11:43 PM
Some people confuse vasectomy with castration, but there’s a vas deferens between them.
Reposted by John Lyon
I only like Christmas because I get to spend multiple hours behind locked doors pretending to wrap presents.
December 24, 2025 at 2:58 AM
I only like Christmas because I get to spend multiple hours behind locked doors pretending to wrap presents.
Reposted by John Lyon
do I have to watch the second to last samurai in order to get the last samurai
December 27, 2025 at 8:17 PM
do I have to watch the second to last samurai in order to get the last samurai