John Lyon
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johnlyon.bsky.social
John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
Opinions expressed here are not the opinions of my employer. They are the opinions of Elvis Presley as relayed to me telepathically by the inhabitants of Venus. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nvcwxxjti7dvgqovf2rrml2c/feed/aaaj5zycfldqi
Pinned
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.
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2̶0̶2̶1̶ 2̶0̶2̶2̶ 2̶0̶2̶3̶ 2̶0̶2̶4̶ 2̶0̶2̶5̶ 2026 will be my year.
December 29, 2025 at 3:58 PM
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I'm bring-a-book-to-the-computer-room-so-you-can-read-while-you-wait-for-web-pages-to-load old
December 30, 2025 at 6:22 AM
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Life is what happens to you while you're folding laundry.
December 29, 2025 at 4:54 PM
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There’s still time to accomplish your 2025 resolutions.

For example, I still have a few days to make Margot Robbie fall in love with me.
December 27, 2025 at 4:06 PM
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“Guess what? Chicken butt.“ was six seven for Gen X
December 29, 2025 at 6:52 PM
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The best way to resolve conflict is to take a deep breath then vanish into the woods.
December 29, 2025 at 6:30 PM
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One thought a day feels like it should be enough.
December 30, 2025 at 3:04 AM
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nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel
December 21, 2025 at 5:28 AM
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I've been waxing my car for years, and I still don't know karate
December 29, 2025 at 6:19 PM
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The undeniable odor signaling that somewhere, an orange has turned evil.
December 27, 2025 at 9:28 PM
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An unattractive woman asked for my phone number today outside a restaurant, so I gave her a fake.

I feel a little guilty about it; especially as I’d just rear-ended her car.
December 29, 2025 at 4:26 PM
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I’m not late, time is wrong
December 30, 2025 at 1:36 AM
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Silent letters? All of them are. Mail doesn't talk, you knave!
December 30, 2025 at 3:56 AM
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I've been dressing witchier and older to keep men away.
December 29, 2025 at 12:15 PM
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Someone blocked me.
Nature is healing.
December 30, 2025 at 1:32 AM
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Grunting "oh my my, oh hell yes, got to put on that party dress" over and over as I put on pants
December 14, 2025 at 3:03 AM
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Today they did a test run in NYC to make sure the confetti works on NYE. Not to worry, apparently gravity is still working fine.
December 29, 2025 at 7:23 PM
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The date today is 12/25/25. In thirteen months the date will be 25/25/25. It's very rare when something like that happens.
December 26, 2025 at 2:10 AM
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2025, the year in review:

💩
December 29, 2025 at 8:55 AM
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as the prophecy foretold
December 29, 2025 at 1:56 PM
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me: please don’t judge me

four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do

me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
December 29, 2025 at 2:53 PM
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David Attenborough [whispering]:

“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
December 29, 2025 at 5:08 PM
Some people confuse vasectomy with castration, but there’s a vas deferens between them.
December 29, 2025 at 11:43 PM
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I only like Christmas because I get to spend multiple hours behind locked doors pretending to wrap presents.
December 24, 2025 at 2:58 AM
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do I have to watch the second to last samurai in order to get the last samurai
December 27, 2025 at 8:17 PM