John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
Opinions expressed here are not the opinions of my employer. They are the opinions of Elvis Presley as relayed to me telepathically by the inhabitants of Venus. https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nvcwxxjti7dvgqovf2rrml2c/feed/aaaj5zycfldqi
Pinned
John Lyon
@johnlyon.bsky.social
· Oct 4
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer.
Reposted by John Lyon
as the prophecy foretold
December 29, 2025 at 1:56 PM
as the prophecy foretold
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me: please don’t judge me
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
December 29, 2025 at 2:53 PM
me: please don’t judge me
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
four horsemen: *shrugging* it’s what we do
me: *laying naked in a tubful of hot dog water* oh well
Reposted by John Lyon
David Attenborough [whispering]:
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
December 29, 2025 at 5:08 PM
David Attenborough [whispering]:
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
“Tamanduas distinguish themselves from all other anteaters by being the only genus that communicates exclusively through interpretive dance.”
Some people confuse vasectomy with castration, but there’s a vas deferens between them.
December 29, 2025 at 11:43 PM
Some people confuse vasectomy with castration, but there’s a vas deferens between them.
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I only like Christmas because I get to spend multiple hours behind locked doors pretending to wrap presents.
December 24, 2025 at 2:58 AM
I only like Christmas because I get to spend multiple hours behind locked doors pretending to wrap presents.
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do I have to watch the second to last samurai in order to get the last samurai
December 27, 2025 at 8:17 PM
do I have to watch the second to last samurai in order to get the last samurai
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Are you a cartoon character? You legally have to tell me if you are.
December 27, 2025 at 6:13 PM
Are you a cartoon character? You legally have to tell me if you are.
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A girl named Joy was robbed and the cops won’t listen when I tell them the thief is Comparison!
December 27, 2025 at 9:51 PM
A girl named Joy was robbed and the cops won’t listen when I tell them the thief is Comparison!
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My 2026 un-resolution list:
-Won't stop ordering unhealthy food
-Won't meditate
-Won't go to the gym regularly
-Won't save money
-Won't be a better person
-Won't finish my
-Won't stop ordering unhealthy food
-Won't meditate
-Won't go to the gym regularly
-Won't save money
-Won't be a better person
-Won't finish my
December 28, 2025 at 8:09 AM
My 2026 un-resolution list:
-Won't stop ordering unhealthy food
-Won't meditate
-Won't go to the gym regularly
-Won't save money
-Won't be a better person
-Won't finish my
-Won't stop ordering unhealthy food
-Won't meditate
-Won't go to the gym regularly
-Won't save money
-Won't be a better person
-Won't finish my
Reposted by John Lyon
I love getting gag gifts for the family at Christmas, it’s the only way I get any peace and quiet.
December 18, 2025 at 2:41 PM
I love getting gag gifts for the family at Christmas, it’s the only way I get any peace and quiet.
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Life's too short to waste time looking for matching socks.
December 27, 2025 at 1:33 PM
Life's too short to waste time looking for matching socks.
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I haven't had any success in my job search, so I guess I'm going to have to pivot into the growth industry of art heists.
December 13, 2025 at 9:54 PM
I haven't had any success in my job search, so I guess I'm going to have to pivot into the growth industry of art heists.
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Just going to sit here for a minute while everyone else figures out I’m correct.
December 27, 2025 at 10:49 AM
Just going to sit here for a minute while everyone else figures out I’m correct.
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Why are stupid people also the loudest
December 28, 2025 at 2:41 AM
Why are stupid people also the loudest
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Twenty years, three cats, and I know I’ve consumed my weight in cat hair.
December 23, 2025 at 3:41 PM
Twenty years, three cats, and I know I’ve consumed my weight in cat hair.
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My last two brain cells are fighting for dominance.
December 26, 2025 at 1:46 PM
My last two brain cells are fighting for dominance.
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What if we made out in the LEGO store.
November 11, 2025 at 4:29 AM
What if we made out in the LEGO store.
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After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
November 15, 2025 at 3:34 AM
After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
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We weren’t in love, but we did meet in the vestibule.
December 5, 2025 at 2:17 PM
We weren’t in love, but we did meet in the vestibule.
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I’m so sick of acting like everything is ok.
December 17, 2025 at 1:39 PM
I’m so sick of acting like everything is ok.
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Well I made it through the year, I suppose I’ll push myself through another one.
December 27, 2025 at 8:54 PM
Well I made it through the year, I suppose I’ll push myself through another one.
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Me: Alexa, fix me.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
May 26, 2025 at 7:55 PM
Me: Alexa, fix me.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
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Yeah well my buddy already lost his job to artificial intelligence. He was an art thief.
December 28, 2025 at 12:56 AM
Yeah well my buddy already lost his job to artificial intelligence. He was an art thief.
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Is this a hangover or the flu: a Christmas story
December 25, 2025 at 4:05 PM
Is this a hangover or the flu: a Christmas story
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A billionaire is one followed by a whole lot of zeros.
December 27, 2025 at 7:52 PM
A billionaire is one followed by a whole lot of zeros.