@mr-lloyd-evans.bsky.social
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I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both.
Pastor: These are very unusual vows.
Pastor: These are very unusual vows.
January 9, 2025 at 3:29 AM
I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both.
Pastor: These are very unusual vows.
Pastor: These are very unusual vows.
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absurd is short for absolute turd
November 10, 2025 at 5:33 AM
absurd is short for absolute turd
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The heatwave made me realize that flipping the pillow over to the cool side is limited by the amount of sides a pillow has, that's why I invented a pillow with an infinite amount of sides, I would show it to you but the sight of it has been known to cause madness and delirium
August 14, 2025 at 6:38 PM
The heatwave made me realize that flipping the pillow over to the cool side is limited by the amount of sides a pillow has, that's why I invented a pillow with an infinite amount of sides, I would show it to you but the sight of it has been known to cause madness and delirium
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Gotta say, I’m not so confident that you do
November 7, 2025 at 9:44 PM
Gotta say, I’m not so confident that you do
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Yes, they will.
#WorldBollardAssociation
#WorldBollardAssociation
January 9, 2025 at 9:31 PM
Yes, they will.
#WorldBollardAssociation
#WorldBollardAssociation
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Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences
Me: *waving my bubble wand* well, I'm out
Me: *waving my bubble wand* well, I'm out
November 8, 2025 at 3:29 PM
Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences
Me: *waving my bubble wand* well, I'm out
Me: *waving my bubble wand* well, I'm out
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"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?"
"Yeah. When I get thyme."
"Yeah. When I get thyme."
November 7, 2025 at 5:48 AM
"I know you're awfully busy, but will you get me some parsley, sage, and rosemary?"
"Yeah. When I get thyme."
"Yeah. When I get thyme."
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the most authoritarian of King Arthur's knights was Sir Veillance
October 3, 2025 at 5:01 PM
the most authoritarian of King Arthur's knights was Sir Veillance
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Fuck micro plastics. I'm only eating whole grain plastics from now on.
November 6, 2025 at 8:22 AM
Fuck micro plastics. I'm only eating whole grain plastics from now on.
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Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: Well this is awkward.
November 5, 2025 at 11:48 PM
Art teacher: I think you've misunderstood. It's the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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I don't know why you would need your ducks in a straight line anyway
November 5, 2025 at 3:46 PM
I don't know why you would need your ducks in a straight line anyway
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if u do not have anything nice to say well sometimes u are not wrong
June 8, 2023 at 1:42 PM
if u do not have anything nice to say well sometimes u are not wrong
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the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care
November 4, 2025 at 2:31 AM
the ghost that haunts my house keeps bragging that he can go inside the microwave while it’s on, like i care
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interviewer: under skills you listed evading large predator animals
me: that’s right you see any hippo or lion bites on me?
interviewer: i see several bites on your arms
me: those are from a beagle which we can agree is not a predator of man
me: that’s right you see any hippo or lion bites on me?
interviewer: i see several bites on your arms
me: those are from a beagle which we can agree is not a predator of man
November 4, 2025 at 4:13 AM
interviewer: under skills you listed evading large predator animals
me: that’s right you see any hippo or lion bites on me?
interviewer: i see several bites on your arms
me: those are from a beagle which we can agree is not a predator of man
me: that’s right you see any hippo or lion bites on me?
interviewer: i see several bites on your arms
me: those are from a beagle which we can agree is not a predator of man
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[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
oh no that guy hated dying
November 1, 2023 at 12:54 PM
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
oh no that guy hated dying
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
November 4, 2024 at 6:39 PM
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
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Holding their gaze while rage eating this entire bowl of candy corn during our kickoff meeting with the auditors to establish dominance
October 30, 2025 at 2:24 PM
Holding their gaze while rage eating this entire bowl of candy corn during our kickoff meeting with the auditors to establish dominance
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Look at her over there, unrequiting my love.
November 2, 2025 at 8:25 PM
Look at her over there, unrequiting my love.
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Carmichael would be a great name for a transformer.
November 3, 2025 at 3:37 PM
Carmichael would be a great name for a transformer.
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I didn't go trick or treating tonight because unlike some people, I have a job
November 1, 2025 at 5:42 AM
I didn't go trick or treating tonight because unlike some people, I have a job
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(punching a ghost in the stomach) haunt this you piece of shit
December 3, 2024 at 1:13 PM
(punching a ghost in the stomach) haunt this you piece of shit
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I was bored so I swapped all the sweets into different wrappers.
My wife isn't amused...She got her snickers in a twix.
My wife isn't amused...She got her snickers in a twix.
October 31, 2025 at 3:36 PM
I was bored so I swapped all the sweets into different wrappers.
My wife isn't amused...She got her snickers in a twix.
My wife isn't amused...She got her snickers in a twix.
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(pretending i’m on the phone while a dracula stalks me) what’s that you say doc? my blood is gross and stinky and not good to eat?
December 4, 2024 at 1:29 AM
(pretending i’m on the phone while a dracula stalks me) what’s that you say doc? my blood is gross and stinky and not good to eat?
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My son likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It's a little drum attic.
It's a little drum attic.
October 31, 2025 at 11:54 AM
My son likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It's a little drum attic.
It's a little drum attic.
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we only have Vampire Weekend thanks to vampire unions
May 18, 2025 at 12:22 AM
we only have Vampire Weekend thanks to vampire unions