Dad Jokes
@dadsaysjokes.com
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Dad Jokes
@dadsaysjokes.com
· Aug 20
Shout out to everyone who can remember every word to some random 80s song but can't remember the password they created yesterday
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
December 12, 2025 at 9:00 PM
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I'm the one with the money.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnn...
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnn...
December 12, 2025 at 8:59 PM
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnn...
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnn...
Kids say the craziest things 😂
December 12, 2025 at 4:42 PM
Kids say the craziest things 😂
If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’ll be running a 0.002K this weekend to raise awareness for laziness.
December 11, 2025 at 9:37 PM
If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’ll be running a 0.002K this weekend to raise awareness for laziness.
Someone told me my clothes were gay.
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
December 11, 2025 at 9:26 PM
Someone told me my clothes were gay.
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning."
Apparently if you buy a cabbage from Coles you are legally obligated to also buy carrots and mayonnaise.
It’s Coles law.
It’s Coles law.
December 10, 2025 at 9:23 PM
Apparently if you buy a cabbage from Coles you are legally obligated to also buy carrots and mayonnaise.
It’s Coles law.
It’s Coles law.
TWO TIPS FOR CHRISTMAS:
1. Forget the past.
You can't change it.
2. Forget the present
I didn't get you one.
1. Forget the past.
You can't change it.
2. Forget the present
I didn't get you one.
December 10, 2025 at 5:52 PM
TWO TIPS FOR CHRISTMAS:
1. Forget the past.
You can't change it.
2. Forget the present
I didn't get you one.
1. Forget the past.
You can't change it.
2. Forget the present
I didn't get you one.
For the first time ever in human history, Christmas is on 25/25/25.
This phenomenon will never happen again.
This phenomenon will never happen again.
December 10, 2025 at 5:51 PM
For the first time ever in human history, Christmas is on 25/25/25.
This phenomenon will never happen again.
This phenomenon will never happen again.
What do you call Santa without a GPS?
A lost Claus...
A lost Claus...
December 10, 2025 at 11:43 AM
What do you call Santa without a GPS?
A lost Claus...
A lost Claus...
I just sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician.
Sorry but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
Sorry but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
December 9, 2025 at 7:55 PM
I just sent my son to his room for saying Jim Morrison was a terrible musician.
Sorry but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
Sorry but we do not slam The Doors in this house.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
December 9, 2025 at 4:05 PM
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
He's making his list... He's checkin' it twice.
He left it at home.
He's texting his wife.
He left it at home.
He's texting his wife.
December 9, 2025 at 4:01 PM
He's making his list... He's checkin' it twice.
He left it at home.
He's texting his wife.
He left it at home.
He's texting his wife.
I'm not gonna lie, getting sucked into the Jumanji game for 30 years doesn't sound too bad at this point.
December 8, 2025 at 9:32 PM
I'm not gonna lie, getting sucked into the Jumanji game for 30 years doesn't sound too bad at this point.
Me: “Please bring me a screwdriver.”
Wife: “Flat head, Phillips, or vodka?”
And that was when I knew she was the one.
Wife: “Flat head, Phillips, or vodka?”
And that was when I knew she was the one.
December 8, 2025 at 9:23 PM
Me: “Please bring me a screwdriver.”
Wife: “Flat head, Phillips, or vodka?”
And that was when I knew she was the one.
Wife: “Flat head, Phillips, or vodka?”
And that was when I knew she was the one.
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
On an heir mattress.
December 8, 2025 at 7:26 PM
If a king sleeps on a king-sized bed and a queen sleeps on a queen-sized bed, where does a prince sleep?
On an heir mattress.
On an heir mattress.
I’m working on a bunch of jokes about wind.
They’re currently saved as drafts.
They’re currently saved as drafts.
December 8, 2025 at 1:20 PM
I’m working on a bunch of jokes about wind.
They’re currently saved as drafts.
They’re currently saved as drafts.
Met a 7-year-old at McDonald's. She stared at me and said, “Why are you so ugly?"
I leaned down and whispered, “I can't tell anyone, but I came back in a time machine... I am you, from the future."
She cried for 20 minutes straight.
I leaned down and whispered, “I can't tell anyone, but I came back in a time machine... I am you, from the future."
She cried for 20 minutes straight.
December 7, 2025 at 10:44 PM
Met a 7-year-old at McDonald's. She stared at me and said, “Why are you so ugly?"
I leaned down and whispered, “I can't tell anyone, but I came back in a time machine... I am you, from the future."
She cried for 20 minutes straight.
I leaned down and whispered, “I can't tell anyone, but I came back in a time machine... I am you, from the future."
She cried for 20 minutes straight.
Whoever salts the fries at McDonalds should be salting the roads.
December 7, 2025 at 8:36 PM
Whoever salts the fries at McDonalds should be salting the roads.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter orders a beer.
The wedge orders a tequila.
The third one says, "Nothing for me. I'm the driver".
The putter orders a beer.
The wedge orders a tequila.
The third one says, "Nothing for me. I'm the driver".
December 7, 2025 at 5:13 PM
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter orders a beer.
The wedge orders a tequila.
The third one says, "Nothing for me. I'm the driver".
The putter orders a beer.
The wedge orders a tequila.
The third one says, "Nothing for me. I'm the driver".
I run every day for 15 minutes. If I miss a day l add 15 minutes to the next day.
This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 3 months.
This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 3 months.
December 6, 2025 at 8:47 PM
I run every day for 15 minutes. If I miss a day l add 15 minutes to the next day.
This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 3 months.
This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I'm supposed to run for 3 months.
Vaping is weird... you walk past a group of dudes who look like gangsters but smell like strawberry muffins...
December 5, 2025 at 9:04 PM
Vaping is weird... you walk past a group of dudes who look like gangsters but smell like strawberry muffins...
We need an extra day between Saturday and Sunday 😔
December 5, 2025 at 4:23 PM
We need an extra day between Saturday and Sunday 😔
Killer whales have recently started attacking boats.
Police fear it's Orca-nized crime.
Police fear it's Orca-nized crime.
December 5, 2025 at 10:33 AM
Killer whales have recently started attacking boats.
Police fear it's Orca-nized crime.
Police fear it's Orca-nized crime.