Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
Platinum 🏳️🌈. 👬. 🐈dad. St-stutterer. I once had a bee stuck in my ear.
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Pinned
Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
· Nov 25
The fact that Mother Nature made a fruit shaped like a dick is bananas
Reposted by Billhelm
"Hey, that's MY STYLE!!!"
-- dog, watching porn
-- dog, watching porn
November 11, 2025 at 3:26 PM
"Hey, that's MY STYLE!!!"
-- dog, watching porn
-- dog, watching porn
Reposted by Billhelm
i’m not a veteran but i have served cunt
November 11, 2025 at 3:33 PM
i’m not a veteran but i have served cunt
Reposted by Billhelm
We offer all new employees a chance to wrestle the moat monster for health care on day one.
November 11, 2025 at 1:53 AM
We offer all new employees a chance to wrestle the moat monster for health care on day one.
[pouring coffee into my office mug that I haven’t washed in two months]
I don’t know how some people eat ass that’s just so unhygienic
I don’t know how some people eat ass that’s just so unhygienic
November 11, 2025 at 1:20 AM
[pouring coffee into my office mug that I haven’t washed in two months]
I don’t know how some people eat ass that’s just so unhygienic
I don’t know how some people eat ass that’s just so unhygienic
[flirtatiously rubbing his head at the bar]
So where’s *Mrs* Pac-man tonight?
So where’s *Mrs* Pac-man tonight?
November 11, 2025 at 1:19 AM
[flirtatiously rubbing his head at the bar]
So where’s *Mrs* Pac-man tonight?
So where’s *Mrs* Pac-man tonight?
Reposted by Billhelm
it takes a village people to raise a macho man
November 10, 2025 at 5:30 PM
it takes a village people to raise a macho man
Reposted by Billhelm
ridding your throat of phlegm 100 times a day is a dad rite of clearing passage
November 10, 2025 at 6:10 PM
ridding your throat of phlegm 100 times a day is a dad rite of clearing passage
Reposted by Billhelm
proofreading still escapes me as a 45 year old adult and thats okay i forgive and love myself
November 10, 2025 at 8:33 PM
proofreading still escapes me as a 45 year old adult and thats okay i forgive and love myself
Reposted by Billhelm
i have a stained glass window, you have bird poop on a windshield. we are not the pane.
November 11, 2025 at 12:01 AM
i have a stained glass window, you have bird poop on a windshield. we are not the pane.
Reposted by Billhelm
my flirting strategy is to post vaguely funny things on bluesky and hope women DM me
November 10, 2025 at 8:22 PM
my flirting strategy is to post vaguely funny things on bluesky and hope women DM me
Reposted by Billhelm
me: i'm gonna clean you
glass which is dirty on the other side: go fuck yourself
glass which is dirty on the other side: go fuck yourself
November 10, 2025 at 8:20 PM
me: i'm gonna clean you
glass which is dirty on the other side: go fuck yourself
glass which is dirty on the other side: go fuck yourself
Reposted by Billhelm
I’m not a fuckboy. I’m a flirtation sensation.
November 10, 2025 at 7:01 PM
I’m not a fuckboy. I’m a flirtation sensation.
Reposted by Billhelm
"Yeah, I guess you could say I'm one of those women who gets away with wearing *really tight* clothes"
*- me flirting in my compression socks*
*- me flirting in my compression socks*
July 17, 2025 at 3:27 PM
"Yeah, I guess you could say I'm one of those women who gets away with wearing *really tight* clothes"
*- me flirting in my compression socks*
*- me flirting in my compression socks*
Reposted by Billhelm
me: i’m such a flirt
danger: please stop
danger: please stop
November 10, 2025 at 5:22 PM
me: i’m such a flirt
danger: please stop
danger: please stop
Reposted by Billhelm
i have designated fork, small spoon, big spoon, knife, and spatula spots in the dishwasher basket
(me, flirting)
(me, flirting)
September 15, 2025 at 5:57 PM
i have designated fork, small spoon, big spoon, knife, and spatula spots in the dishwasher basket
(me, flirting)
(me, flirting)
Reposted by Billhelm
“You’re so hot, the laws of thermodynamics seem wholly inapplicable to you.”
- physics pickup lines
- physics pickup lines
April 23, 2025 at 10:20 AM
“You’re so hot, the laws of thermodynamics seem wholly inapplicable to you.”
- physics pickup lines
- physics pickup lines
If you’re looking for the penitentiary it’s between the penininetiary and the peneleventiary
November 10, 2025 at 1:22 AM
If you’re looking for the penitentiary it’s between the penininetiary and the peneleventiary
Reposted by Billhelm
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I'm not angry, just disappointed.
Prison guard: I'm not angry, just disappointed.
June 8, 2023 at 11:32 PM
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I'm not angry, just disappointed.
Prison guard: I'm not angry, just disappointed.
Reposted by Billhelm
If inmates can penpal their way into marriage, then there's still hope for most of you.
November 9, 2025 at 10:39 PM
If inmates can penpal their way into marriage, then there's still hope for most of you.
Reposted by Billhelm
Happy 38th birthday to my first mental illness.
November 10, 2025 at 12:25 AM
Happy 38th birthday to my first mental illness.
Reposted by Billhelm
6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
November 9, 2025 at 10:24 PM
6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
Reposted by Billhelm
[Medieval monastery]
Abbot: Did you draw in the margins of this bible?
Me: Yeah, it's called illumination. Very fancy.
Abbot: *opens book* Is this a tree growing dicks instead of fruit?
Me: lol yeah
Abbot: Did you draw in the margins of this bible?
Me: Yeah, it's called illumination. Very fancy.
Abbot: *opens book* Is this a tree growing dicks instead of fruit?
Me: lol yeah
November 9, 2025 at 11:38 PM
[Medieval monastery]
Abbot: Did you draw in the margins of this bible?
Me: Yeah, it's called illumination. Very fancy.
Abbot: *opens book* Is this a tree growing dicks instead of fruit?
Me: lol yeah
Abbot: Did you draw in the margins of this bible?
Me: Yeah, it's called illumination. Very fancy.
Abbot: *opens book* Is this a tree growing dicks instead of fruit?
Me: lol yeah
Reposted by Billhelm
poking at your very dead looking skeet with a stick...
November 6, 2025 at 12:03 AM
poking at your very dead looking skeet with a stick...
Reposted by Billhelm
I’ll be honest with y’all because we’re friends. My laziness is probably the only reason I’m still alive.
November 8, 2025 at 3:24 AM
I’ll be honest with y’all because we’re friends. My laziness is probably the only reason I’m still alive.
Reposted by Billhelm
We should’ve stayed in the water. Evolution was a mistake
November 5, 2025 at 7:31 PM
We should’ve stayed in the water. Evolution was a mistake