Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet.
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
Kind of.
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
Kind of.
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Pinned
Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
· Nov 23
I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut.
It's your own hand though, and you have to be discreet.
It's your own hand though, and you have to be discreet.
Feed a cold.
Starve a fever.
Sell your soul.
Pet a beaver.
Starve a fever.
Sell your soul.
Pet a beaver.
December 27, 2025 at 5:34 PM
Feed a cold.
Starve a fever.
Sell your soul.
Pet a beaver.
Starve a fever.
Sell your soul.
Pet a beaver.
Need a song reco for when I’m trying to convince my wife to get it on.
December 26, 2025 at 7:34 PM
Need a song reco for when I’m trying to convince my wife to get it on.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Abe Lincoln, some historians say, could fuck a bear without engaging in any foreplay.
But he always did the foreplay. He was a great man.
But he always did the foreplay. He was a great man.
January 4, 2025 at 3:35 PM
Abe Lincoln, some historians say, could fuck a bear without engaging in any foreplay.
But he always did the foreplay. He was a great man.
But he always did the foreplay. He was a great man.
Reposted by Bob Heller
ME: who called em fish boobs instead of shark hooteries
WIFE: no one. no one ever says any of those things
WIFE: no one. no one ever says any of those things
December 26, 2025 at 4:26 PM
ME: who called em fish boobs instead of shark hooteries
WIFE: no one. no one ever says any of those things
WIFE: no one. no one ever says any of those things
Reposted by Bob Heller
him: license and registration, please
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir
December 26, 2025 at 1:29 PM
him: license and registration, please
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir
me: *slides him fish*
him: ...
me: *slides him another fish*
him: have a good day, sir
Reposted by Bob Heller
This song reminds me of an old girlfriend who was my cherry pie.
December 23, 2024 at 9:50 PM
This song reminds me of an old girlfriend who was my cherry pie.
Reposted by Bob Heller
A good relationship is all about anticipating wants and needs. Pay attention to when they want to socialise and when they need their space. You'll also need to balance the temperature and humidity in their terrarium, and remember to hand-feed them live crickets at least once a day.
December 26, 2025 at 1:40 PM
A good relationship is all about anticipating wants and needs. Pay attention to when they want to socialise and when they need their space. You'll also need to balance the temperature and humidity in their terrarium, and remember to hand-feed them live crickets at least once a day.
Reposted by Bob Heller
My family's house was so clean, we could eat off the floor—I misspoke. It was so mean, we had to eat off the floor
December 25, 2025 at 3:44 PM
My family's house was so clean, we could eat off the floor—I misspoke. It was so mean, we had to eat off the floor
In an early version, Dickens explains how Tim was called, “Tiny,” ironically and that the boy was hung like a Christmas donkey.
December 25, 2025 at 3:47 PM
In an early version, Dickens explains how Tim was called, “Tiny,” ironically and that the boy was hung like a Christmas donkey.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Tiny Tim did die. Turns out an old man being a little bit nice doesn't actually cure polio.
December 25, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Tiny Tim did die. Turns out an old man being a little bit nice doesn't actually cure polio.
The stockings were hung. Santa was hung. All the reindeer had dicks like clydesdales. Yet everybody talked about the glowing red nose. Weird.
December 25, 2025 at 3:41 PM
The stockings were hung. Santa was hung. All the reindeer had dicks like clydesdales. Yet everybody talked about the glowing red nose. Weird.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Merry Christmas from me and my man-eating polar bear Jeffrey
December 25, 2025 at 9:56 AM
Merry Christmas from me and my man-eating polar bear Jeffrey
Reposted by Bob Heller
i think im just awful at cooking brownies
every time i make them they end up way undercooked despite going over the cook time
every time i make them they end up way undercooked despite going over the cook time
December 25, 2025 at 6:39 AM
i think im just awful at cooking brownies
every time i make them they end up way undercooked despite going over the cook time
every time i make them they end up way undercooked despite going over the cook time
Ugh. Got fucking myrrh again.
December 25, 2025 at 3:37 PM
Ugh. Got fucking myrrh again.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Mute me today if you need to but ALL Christmas pets will be liked and reposted .
December 25, 2025 at 2:36 PM
Mute me today if you need to but ALL Christmas pets will be liked and reposted .
Reposted by Bob Heller
This month, your rightwing uncle demands
1) Turn away refugees
2) Tax cuts for the richest
3) Be cruel to trans ppl
4) Defend the Confederate flag
5) More prisons
6) More executions
7) More guns
8) No healthcare for "illegals"
9) Hate anything "woke"
10) Keep Christ in Christmas
1) Turn away refugees
2) Tax cuts for the richest
3) Be cruel to trans ppl
4) Defend the Confederate flag
5) More prisons
6) More executions
7) More guns
8) No healthcare for "illegals"
9) Hate anything "woke"
10) Keep Christ in Christmas
December 25, 2025 at 3:20 PM
This month, your rightwing uncle demands
1) Turn away refugees
2) Tax cuts for the richest
3) Be cruel to trans ppl
4) Defend the Confederate flag
5) More prisons
6) More executions
7) More guns
8) No healthcare for "illegals"
9) Hate anything "woke"
10) Keep Christ in Christmas
1) Turn away refugees
2) Tax cuts for the richest
3) Be cruel to trans ppl
4) Defend the Confederate flag
5) More prisons
6) More executions
7) More guns
8) No healthcare for "illegals"
9) Hate anything "woke"
10) Keep Christ in Christmas
Reposted by Bob Heller
If you throw enough boogers at your Christmas tree, eventually it becomes a booger tree, and you don't have to take it down.
December 15, 2024 at 12:12 AM
If you throw enough boogers at your Christmas tree, eventually it becomes a booger tree, and you don't have to take it down.
Reposted by Bob Heller
I hope Santa brought that Cambodian fuck swing that you wanted
December 25, 2025 at 3:21 PM
I hope Santa brought that Cambodian fuck swing that you wanted
Reposted by Bob Heller
CHRISTMAS MORNING FUN:
1 Rent Lexus
2 Affix giant bow
3 Park in neighbors' driveway
4 Honk
5 Watch hugging
6 Extend middle finger
7 Slow reverse
1 Rent Lexus
2 Affix giant bow
3 Park in neighbors' driveway
4 Honk
5 Watch hugging
6 Extend middle finger
7 Slow reverse
November 30, 2024 at 6:54 PM
CHRISTMAS MORNING FUN:
1 Rent Lexus
2 Affix giant bow
3 Park in neighbors' driveway
4 Honk
5 Watch hugging
6 Extend middle finger
7 Slow reverse
1 Rent Lexus
2 Affix giant bow
3 Park in neighbors' driveway
4 Honk
5 Watch hugging
6 Extend middle finger
7 Slow reverse
That one scene in Silence of The Lambs was inspired by the line in Twas the Night Before Christmas when Santa “turned with a jerk.” Disgusting in both works, honestly.
December 25, 2025 at 3:30 PM
That one scene in Silence of The Lambs was inspired by the line in Twas the Night Before Christmas when Santa “turned with a jerk.” Disgusting in both works, honestly.
The Santa Clause is a Christmas movie.
December 25, 2025 at 3:25 PM
The Santa Clause is a Christmas movie.
if shower drains could get pregnant, I’d be Philip Rivers
December 23, 2025 at 4:29 AM
if shower drains could get pregnant, I’d be Philip Rivers
Reposted by Bob Heller
Accidentally put an elf on an elf and now they are everywhere. They just fuck and fuck. Don't even report to Santa anymore. Merry Christmas.
December 24, 2024 at 9:06 PM
Accidentally put an elf on an elf and now they are everywhere. They just fuck and fuck. Don't even report to Santa anymore. Merry Christmas.
Reposted by Bob Heller
She's smart as a cat and fucks like a dolphin. Of course I'd like to marry your daughter, Sir.
November 27, 2024 at 10:12 PM
She's smart as a cat and fucks like a dolphin. Of course I'd like to marry your daughter, Sir.