Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
I’m Bob. My penis is 4 inches but thick as a beer can, has 2 heads and can kill a pair of doves from 17 feet.
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
buffaloeggs.com is my gift to the world
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Oh hey, bobhellertees.com is still kind of a thing
buffaloeggs.com is my gift to the world
shitskeets: https://tinyurl.com/hxaja4ba
Pinned
Bob Heller
@bobheller.bsky.social
· Nov 23
If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.
Got a tattoo on my butt hole of a much more beautiful butt hole.
November 11, 2025 at 9:42 PM
Got a tattoo on my butt hole of a much more beautiful butt hole.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Time to get back to what really matters:
November 11, 2025 at 9:24 PM
Time to get back to what really matters:
Reposted by Bob Heller
ROMEO: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
ROMEO’S FRIEND, BONE DAWG: Yeah, and she got a badonk for days. You gotta tap that, Roe!
ROMEO’S FRIEND, BONE DAWG: Yeah, and she got a badonk for days. You gotta tap that, Roe!
November 30, 2024 at 7:00 PM
ROMEO: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
ROMEO’S FRIEND, BONE DAWG: Yeah, and she got a badonk for days. You gotta tap that, Roe!
ROMEO’S FRIEND, BONE DAWG: Yeah, and she got a badonk for days. You gotta tap that, Roe!
Reposted by Bob Heller
I feel a tad guilty giving you an earworm after we had joy, we had fun. we had seasons in the Sun.
November 11, 2025 at 12:30 AM
I feel a tad guilty giving you an earworm after we had joy, we had fun. we had seasons in the Sun.
"Hey, that's MY STYLE!!!"
-- dog, watching porn
-- dog, watching porn
November 11, 2025 at 3:26 PM
"Hey, that's MY STYLE!!!"
-- dog, watching porn
-- dog, watching porn
Reposted by Bob Heller
Doggy style so I can sign my divorce papers
November 11, 2025 at 2:50 PM
Doggy style so I can sign my divorce papers
"Whoever called a group of gorillas a band... instead of a konglomerate... can suck my donglomerate."
-- Cornelius, drunk at the ape bar
-- Cornelius, drunk at the ape bar
November 11, 2025 at 3:23 PM
"Whoever called a group of gorillas a band... instead of a konglomerate... can suck my donglomerate."
-- Cornelius, drunk at the ape bar
-- Cornelius, drunk at the ape bar
Reposted by Bob Heller
If you say you’re going to do something, do it.
my dad always said he was gonna get drunk then by god he would
my dad always said he was gonna get drunk then by god he would
November 11, 2025 at 4:28 AM
If you say you’re going to do something, do it.
my dad always said he was gonna get drunk then by god he would
my dad always said he was gonna get drunk then by god he would
When my wife asks for doggy style I ask her what breed, specifically, because I'm sensually attentive like that.
November 11, 2025 at 2:38 PM
When my wife asks for doggy style I ask her what breed, specifically, because I'm sensually attentive like that.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Our breeding-program research reports that the animals’ reluctance to mate is often linked to people like you standing around watching.
November 11, 2025 at 2:21 PM
Our breeding-program research reports that the animals’ reluctance to mate is often linked to people like you standing around watching.
"Ninja? Please!! For a silent assassin he sure did scream like a bitch when I beat him down."
"That was a mime."
"Oh. Um. He attacked me."
"That was a mime."
"Oh. Um. He attacked me."
November 11, 2025 at 2:34 PM
"Ninja? Please!! For a silent assassin he sure did scream like a bitch when I beat him down."
"That was a mime."
"Oh. Um. He attacked me."
"That was a mime."
"Oh. Um. He attacked me."
Reposted by Bob Heller
Got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
November 11, 2025 at 5:49 AM
Got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Reposted by Bob Heller
I've started going grocery shopping at 6 am when the store opens. There's no crowds. Just me and a bunch of old people... wait... omg IM AN OLD PEOPLE NOW
November 10, 2025 at 12:15 PM
I've started going grocery shopping at 6 am when the store opens. There's no crowds. Just me and a bunch of old people... wait... omg IM AN OLD PEOPLE NOW
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
November 11, 2025 at 2:56 AM
You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
And you can't cook a human baby on the grill at Tuscarora State Park.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Babies are so weak. You don't hear me crying every time I crap my pants
November 11, 2025 at 1:21 AM
Babies are so weak. You don't hear me crying every time I crap my pants
Put a slice of bologna on your alarm clock at night and then hit snooze in the morning and you can sleep with your cousin for 9 more minutes
November 11, 2025 at 1:06 AM
Put a slice of bologna on your alarm clock at night and then hit snooze in the morning and you can sleep with your cousin for 9 more minutes
Reposted by Bob Heller
ME: hey babe do you want to um (forgets the word sleep) temporary death with me
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
November 11, 2025 at 12:37 AM
ME: hey babe do you want to um (forgets the word sleep) temporary death with me
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
DATE (who is goth): oh hell yes
"No, Mr. Heller," said the judge, "Presenting exhibit D will NOT please the court. That is why you are here in the first place."
November 11, 2025 at 12:54 AM
"No, Mr. Heller," said the judge, "Presenting exhibit D will NOT please the court. That is why you are here in the first place."
Reposted by Bob Heller
Your honor, it wasn't my fault. I tried to stop at one beer but my buddies said "c'maahhhn"
November 10, 2025 at 7:43 PM
Your honor, it wasn't my fault. I tried to stop at one beer but my buddies said "c'maahhhn"
Me: Yeah yeah yeah, I know I have a chip on my shoulder.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
November 10, 2025 at 2:08 PM
Me: Yeah yeah yeah, I know I have a chip on my shoulder.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
Chip: You also have dandruff, an absurd amount of earwax, and bad breath.
Reposted by Bob Heller
absurd is short for absolute turd
November 10, 2025 at 5:33 AM
absurd is short for absolute turd
A single pubic hair was found at the crime scene... but it turned out to be merely merkinstantial evidence.
November 8, 2025 at 5:12 PM
A single pubic hair was found at the crime scene... but it turned out to be merely merkinstantial evidence.
Reposted by Bob Heller
Can anybody recommend a good tune for when I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head?
March 27, 2025 at 11:10 AM
Can anybody recommend a good tune for when I wake up with the sheets soaking wet and a freight train running through the middle of my head?
Reposted by Bob Heller
Thursday, 4:01pm
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
November 6, 2025 at 1:48 AM
Thursday, 4:01pm
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
"Still there."
"Yep."
"Looks blue."
"It certainly does."
"Wet too."
"Totally."
"See you next week?"
“Count on it."
Reposted by Bob Heller
I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.
November 3, 2025 at 12:19 AM
I live in mortal fear of mispronouncing pecan in public.