𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Dry clean only.
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
Pinned
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
· Feb 11
White noise is just regular noise that felt threatened by the superbowl halftime show.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
[Olympic tryouts]
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
February 10, 2026 at 6:08 PM
[Olympic tryouts]
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Guy at the cell phone store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying. BLASPHEMY!
February 10, 2026 at 4:38 PM
Guy at the cell phone store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying. BLASPHEMY!
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
all of my posts today were supposed to be drafts. imagine my surprise.
February 10, 2026 at 12:14 PM
all of my posts today were supposed to be drafts. imagine my surprise.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
It’s the day after Monday. The wannabe Monday.
February 10, 2026 at 2:10 PM
It’s the day after Monday. The wannabe Monday.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
why yes that was my complaint letter read aloud at company meeting, you're welcome.
February 10, 2026 at 3:03 PM
why yes that was my complaint letter read aloud at company meeting, you're welcome.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
With all my aches and pains, if I were a car, I'd fail inspection every year.
February 10, 2026 at 1:17 PM
With all my aches and pains, if I were a car, I'd fail inspection every year.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my anxiety on my face and my bog witchness in my hair
February 10, 2026 at 3:11 PM
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my anxiety on my face and my bog witchness in my hair
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
If I'm so dumb how does my body know when it's a full moon
February 10, 2026 at 2:20 PM
If I'm so dumb how does my body know when it's a full moon
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
zamboni would be a beautiful name for a baby girl
February 9, 2026 at 3:38 PM
zamboni would be a beautiful name for a baby girl
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
If I am ever elected president, the first new law I shall pass is that any photo taken as a means to convey the actual size of any given object, must use a banana for scale, and this is exactly why I shall never be elected president
February 10, 2026 at 4:30 AM
If I am ever elected president, the first new law I shall pass is that any photo taken as a means to convey the actual size of any given object, must use a banana for scale, and this is exactly why I shall never be elected president
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I tell my wife I'm the boss like every husband does.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.
February 10, 2026 at 2:23 PM
I tell my wife I'm the boss like every husband does.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I will not refer to a personal pan pizza as a "meat cookie"
February 9, 2026 at 10:19 AM
I will not refer to a personal pan pizza as a "meat cookie"
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
hi I love your dog
~me awkwardly to anyone walking by with a dog
~me awkwardly to anyone walking by with a dog
February 10, 2026 at 11:26 AM
hi I love your dog
~me awkwardly to anyone walking by with a dog
~me awkwardly to anyone walking by with a dog
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
discord: please verify your age
me: *lets out a sigh that seems to crawl out of my lungs rather than be exhaled, dense with fatigue, disappointment, so profoundly Gen X it practically hums with the ghosts of mixtapes, dial-up modems, and being told to “just deal with it”*
discord: age verified
me: *lets out a sigh that seems to crawl out of my lungs rather than be exhaled, dense with fatigue, disappointment, so profoundly Gen X it practically hums with the ghosts of mixtapes, dial-up modems, and being told to “just deal with it”*
discord: age verified
February 10, 2026 at 1:37 PM
discord: please verify your age
me: *lets out a sigh that seems to crawl out of my lungs rather than be exhaled, dense with fatigue, disappointment, so profoundly Gen X it practically hums with the ghosts of mixtapes, dial-up modems, and being told to “just deal with it”*
discord: age verified
me: *lets out a sigh that seems to crawl out of my lungs rather than be exhaled, dense with fatigue, disappointment, so profoundly Gen X it practically hums with the ghosts of mixtapes, dial-up modems, and being told to “just deal with it”*
discord: age verified
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
sometimes you just need to rest your head in someone’s lap
February 10, 2026 at 1:41 PM
sometimes you just need to rest your head in someone’s lap
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then
February 10, 2026 at 1:49 PM
my grandmother died in 1992 so i have no idea if i’ve continued to get more handsome since then
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I’m at my most offended when my cat cleans himself after I pet him
February 10, 2026 at 12:53 PM
I’m at my most offended when my cat cleans himself after I pet him
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I hate it when you offer your seat to a pregnant woman on the bus & then it turns out she isn't pregnant, or a woman, and you aren't even on a bus: you're alone at home making up things to get mad about.
February 10, 2026 at 12:30 PM
I hate it when you offer your seat to a pregnant woman on the bus & then it turns out she isn't pregnant, or a woman, and you aren't even on a bus: you're alone at home making up things to get mad about.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
tax refund: $12.07
me at chipotle: yes. add guac.
me at chipotle: yes. add guac.
February 10, 2026 at 12:32 PM
tax refund: $12.07
me at chipotle: yes. add guac.
me at chipotle: yes. add guac.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Everyone at work complaining about the quality of the coffee and I'm over here saying Hey free coffee!
February 10, 2026 at 1:19 PM
Everyone at work complaining about the quality of the coffee and I'm over here saying Hey free coffee!
Sometimes I want to be like Oprah and give each of you a car but Hot Wheels®️ are really expensive these days.
February 10, 2026 at 1:33 PM
Sometimes I want to be like Oprah and give each of you a car but Hot Wheels®️ are really expensive these days.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
guy about to announce the invention of the chair: you're gonna wanna sit down for this.
February 10, 2026 at 12:36 PM
guy about to announce the invention of the chair: you're gonna wanna sit down for this.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I got catcalled today
They said “meow give me wet food”
They said “meow give me wet food”
February 9, 2026 at 2:42 PM
I got catcalled today
They said “meow give me wet food”
They said “meow give me wet food”
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
there was a hoarders where they had so many cats they just threw food on the floor and ran from the feeding frenzy. someone do this to me but with sex.
February 10, 2026 at 12:05 PM
there was a hoarders where they had so many cats they just threw food on the floor and ran from the feeding frenzy. someone do this to me but with sex.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Looking forward to everyone realizing that drafting will not make my skeets any better
February 10, 2026 at 12:07 AM
Looking forward to everyone realizing that drafting will not make my skeets any better