𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
Fugitive warlord. Indicted crypto kingpin. Disgraced former intern. Dry clean only.
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
He/him/his
Fitzy’s Funtastic Feed: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eeuovmdmopwss5bsf7el3ra7/feed/aaabi4hywtg5g
Pinned
𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
@unfitz.bsky.social
· Feb 11
White noise is just regular noise that felt threatened by the superbowl halftime show.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
My medical alert bracelet just says "Delete my browser history"
February 10, 2026 at 5:31 PM
My medical alert bracelet just says "Delete my browser history"
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
you never hear about someone getting combobulated
January 20, 2026 at 4:48 PM
you never hear about someone getting combobulated
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
using the drafts to keep a list of my grievances
February 10, 2026 at 3:09 PM
using the drafts to keep a list of my grievances
Here, lemme see your drafts folder.
*deletes them all*
Happy to help.
*deletes them all*
Happy to help.
February 10, 2026 at 7:35 PM
Here, lemme see your drafts folder.
*deletes them all*
Happy to help.
*deletes them all*
Happy to help.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
why does “You’ve read your last free article.” always feel like a death threat
February 10, 2026 at 4:14 PM
why does “You’ve read your last free article.” always feel like a death threat
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"
February 10, 2026 at 4:03 PM
any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
umm yes, long time listener but first time caller and i’d like to say *begins screaming*
February 10, 2026 at 4:32 PM
umm yes, long time listener but first time caller and i’d like to say *begins screaming*
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
no, babe, it’s okay that you’re not stacy’s mom. i still think you’ve got it going on.
February 10, 2026 at 4:30 PM
no, babe, it’s okay that you’re not stacy’s mom. i still think you’ve got it going on.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
i’ve deleted 5 drafts, so it’s working
February 10, 2026 at 4:31 PM
i’ve deleted 5 drafts, so it’s working
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I search your skeets for weird keywords and such, in case you needed a reminder that I’m stalking you. All of you.
February 10, 2026 at 7:01 PM
I search your skeets for weird keywords and such, in case you needed a reminder that I’m stalking you. All of you.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
The Sun Bear from Thailand is known for its 18-in tongue and multiple girlfriends.
February 10, 2026 at 7:01 PM
The Sun Bear from Thailand is known for its 18-in tongue and multiple girlfriends.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
look i'm no olympian but one time a random guy on the internet offered to give me one of his teeth, which is not nothin
February 10, 2026 at 7:02 PM
look i'm no olympian but one time a random guy on the internet offered to give me one of his teeth, which is not nothin
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Never felt unstoppable before. Highkey stoppable at all times
February 10, 2026 at 7:13 PM
Never felt unstoppable before. Highkey stoppable at all times
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I didn’t say I‘m right I said I’m certain.
March 16, 2025 at 12:10 PM
I didn’t say I‘m right I said I’m certain.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
[Olympic tryouts]
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
February 10, 2026 at 6:08 PM
[Olympic tryouts]
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
“Your event?”
“Downhill.”
“Skiing?”
“No. Just going downhill.”
“Huh?”
“Here’s my resume and a picture of me in college.”
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
Guy at the cell phone store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying. BLASPHEMY!
February 10, 2026 at 4:38 PM
Guy at the cell phone store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying. BLASPHEMY!
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
all of my posts today were supposed to be drafts. imagine my surprise.
February 10, 2026 at 12:14 PM
all of my posts today were supposed to be drafts. imagine my surprise.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
It’s the day after Monday. The wannabe Monday.
February 10, 2026 at 2:10 PM
It’s the day after Monday. The wannabe Monday.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
why yes that was my complaint letter read aloud at company meeting, you're welcome.
February 10, 2026 at 3:03 PM
why yes that was my complaint letter read aloud at company meeting, you're welcome.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
With all my aches and pains, if I were a car, I'd fail inspection every year.
February 10, 2026 at 1:17 PM
With all my aches and pains, if I were a car, I'd fail inspection every year.
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my anxiety on my face and my bog witchness in my hair
February 10, 2026 at 3:11 PM
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my anxiety on my face and my bog witchness in my hair
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
If I'm so dumb how does my body know when it's a full moon
February 10, 2026 at 2:20 PM
If I'm so dumb how does my body know when it's a full moon
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
zamboni would be a beautiful name for a baby girl
February 9, 2026 at 3:38 PM
zamboni would be a beautiful name for a baby girl
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
If I am ever elected president, the first new law I shall pass is that any photo taken as a means to convey the actual size of any given object, must use a banana for scale, and this is exactly why I shall never be elected president
February 10, 2026 at 4:30 AM
If I am ever elected president, the first new law I shall pass is that any photo taken as a means to convey the actual size of any given object, must use a banana for scale, and this is exactly why I shall never be elected president
Reposted by 𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜
I tell my wife I'm the boss like every husband does.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.
February 10, 2026 at 2:23 PM
I tell my wife I'm the boss like every husband does.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.
Quietly whispered to myself when I'm absolutely certain she's out of earshot.