DaddyJew
Pinned
nice try your honor, but I too brought a gavel
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*during sex*

Your socks don’t match.
December 15, 2025 at 6:33 AM
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Remember, no one can ever take your place unless you default on your mortgage.
January 6, 2026 at 9:53 PM
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When someone asks if you feel more like yourself today it's always polite to answer with, "which one?"
January 6, 2026 at 5:40 PM
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if you're thirsty, they're thirsty. water your electronics
January 4, 2026 at 4:21 PM
Them: what’s your retirement plan?

Me: you mean death?
January 6, 2026 at 10:34 PM
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Tuesday. Now featuring more tacos and titties.
January 6, 2026 at 12:54 PM
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i have a farting range of eight octaves and i'm not afraid to use it
January 6, 2026 at 9:38 PM
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I fed both wolves inside of me and now they’ve invited all their friends
January 4, 2026 at 2:13 PM
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JUDGE: how does your client plead

MY LAWYER: like a whiny little bitch your honor

ME: hey quit it i do not

JUDGE: whoa i see what you mean counselor

MY LAWYER: right? so annoying
January 6, 2026 at 7:18 PM
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Might as well ask all your hinge matches where they were 5 years ago today.
January 6, 2026 at 8:41 PM
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I really wish he'd just go back to golfing all the time and not paying attention.
January 5, 2026 at 1:37 AM
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Noticing that CNN is calling Jan. 6 a “riot,” not an “insurrection.”

PSA: It was an insurrection.
January 6, 2026 at 7:40 PM
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Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle
December 5, 2024 at 5:00 AM
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We're cash poor but boursin rich
January 6, 2026 at 8:10 PM
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I can be optimistic, but never when the world is looking.
December 13, 2025 at 10:51 PM
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just got catcalled by the homeless man laying on the ground. i still got it.
January 2, 2026 at 9:41 PM
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(removing the poop from the shrimp) I could be a surgeon
January 3, 2026 at 12:29 AM
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“Band of Brothers” had way less music in it than I expected.
January 5, 2026 at 11:20 PM
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Everyday I think I don't have anything to post but I am blessed with a horrible brain
January 6, 2026 at 8:02 PM
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We need more deodorants for us mature types.

Like instead of "Shark Puncher" and "Booty Pirate" try "Look, I Made it Out of the Armchair!" and "New Buick SUV"
January 4, 2026 at 10:11 PM
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Sir Isaac Newton: "If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants."

Me: (can't see at all because the cat knocked my glasses behind the toilet)
January 4, 2026 at 5:17 PM
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Me, flirting with the receptionist: you must be really good at your job, the reception in here is amazing
August 6, 2025 at 7:39 PM
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Help I'm a

me on trampoline
November 18, 2025 at 10:05 PM
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Still writing 2025 on the walls of my crypt.
January 2, 2026 at 6:18 PM
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put that in your pipe and oh-you’re already smoking it. didn’t even ask what it was. u wild
December 3, 2025 at 11:21 AM