Lizzlepants 🐒
@lizzlepants.bsky.social
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broke up with my AI boyfriend because he kept undressing me with his computer vision systems
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My boss asked how the results from the research panned out, I told him I was in work for the income not the outcome..
February 2, 2026 at 12:28 PM
My boss asked how the results from the research panned out, I told him I was in work for the income not the outcome..
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Taking Groundbhog Day off work as a religious holiday
February 2, 2026 at 12:28 PM
Taking Groundbhog Day off work as a religious holiday
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This is my daughter, Lottie. Short for axolotl
February 2, 2026 at 12:21 PM
This is my daughter, Lottie. Short for axolotl
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(bumping into someone I haven't seen since kindergarten)
Oh wow hi are you still into construction paper and paste?
Oh wow hi are you still into construction paper and paste?
February 2, 2026 at 10:27 AM
(bumping into someone I haven't seen since kindergarten)
Oh wow hi are you still into construction paper and paste?
Oh wow hi are you still into construction paper and paste?
Reposted by Lizzlepants 🐒
had that dream where i find body parts on city steps, early spring it will be
February 2, 2026 at 12:16 PM
had that dream where i find body parts on city steps, early spring it will be
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i really treasure these moments just after dawn when i step out onto the deck for my morning scream
February 2, 2026 at 12:19 PM
i really treasure these moments just after dawn when i step out onto the deck for my morning scream
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I’ll sign the NDA but you better still have the Men in Black erase my memory
February 2, 2026 at 1:10 AM
I’ll sign the NDA but you better still have the Men in Black erase my memory
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Fuck. Totally forgot to thaw my groundhog.
February 2, 2026 at 12:00 PM
Fuck. Totally forgot to thaw my groundhog.
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Rage shoveled. That helped.
February 1, 2026 at 7:16 PM
Rage shoveled. That helped.
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there's a beautiful hygienist at my dentist's office who i've become very enameled with.
February 2, 2026 at 4:12 AM
there's a beautiful hygienist at my dentist's office who i've become very enameled with.
Reposted by Lizzlepants 🐒
In the time it takes to understand time as a function of space you could have been a physics counselor running a little late to your own session in continuum therapy
February 2, 2026 at 5:40 AM
In the time it takes to understand time as a function of space you could have been a physics counselor running a little late to your own session in continuum therapy
Reposted by Lizzlepants 🐒
My American dream is to marry someone from a foreign land.
Not for love. For citizenship.
Not for love. For citizenship.
January 27, 2026 at 11:28 PM
My American dream is to marry someone from a foreign land.
Not for love. For citizenship.
Not for love. For citizenship.
Reposted by Lizzlepants 🐒
waking up first thing in the morning and frantically checking my bank account to make sure i’m still not a billionaire
February 2, 2026 at 11:21 AM
waking up first thing in the morning and frantically checking my bank account to make sure i’m still not a billionaire
Reposted by Lizzlepants 🐒
I wasn't made for this. I was made to slack off.
February 2, 2026 at 11:24 AM
I wasn't made for this. I was made to slack off.
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Monday, when some people quietly assassinate your entire vibe.
February 2, 2026 at 10:13 AM
Monday, when some people quietly assassinate your entire vibe.
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Smokin the shit that made the garden gnomes shoo me away from the neighborhood
February 2, 2026 at 7:14 AM
Smokin the shit that made the garden gnomes shoo me away from the neighborhood
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I like you so much that sometimes I forget I was gonna get high
February 2, 2026 at 5:44 AM
I like you so much that sometimes I forget I was gonna get high
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dear god, if you exist, please send us a reporter brave enough to ask him about the pants shitting
February 2, 2026 at 4:56 AM
dear god, if you exist, please send us a reporter brave enough to ask him about the pants shitting
Reposted by Lizzlepants 🐒
Throw a blanket over me and sit me in a corner.
January 31, 2026 at 7:49 AM
Throw a blanket over me and sit me in a corner.
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I really am listening it’s just that I can’t remember anything anymore.
February 2, 2026 at 11:06 AM
I really am listening it’s just that I can’t remember anything anymore.
Reposted by Lizzlepants 🐒
Driver’s Ed? is that a show about a horse that can drive
February 2, 2026 at 2:00 AM
Driver’s Ed? is that a show about a horse that can drive
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From Slip ’n Slide to Astroglide: A Menopause Memoir
February 2, 2026 at 6:44 AM
From Slip ’n Slide to Astroglide: A Menopause Memoir
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anyone else curious how far they could punt a groundhog?
February 2, 2026 at 10:49 AM
anyone else curious how far they could punt a groundhog?
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Those white Keds were banging,
February 2, 2026 at 7:16 AM
Those white Keds were banging,
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you can’t make me happy
you’re not a kitten playing with my hoodie strings
you’re not a kitten playing with my hoodie strings
January 30, 2026 at 5:46 AM
you can’t make me happy
you’re not a kitten playing with my hoodie strings
you’re not a kitten playing with my hoodie strings