Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
Platinum 🏳️🌈. 👬. 🐈dad. St-stutterer. I once had a bee stuck in my ear.
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Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
· Dec 15
Everytime I tune into current events I google how much a lobotomy costs
Reposted by Billhelm
studying english is too boring im gonna fall into an oxford coma
February 14, 2026 at 8:28 PM
studying english is too boring im gonna fall into an oxford coma
Reposted by Billhelm
the existence of a jailbird implies the existence of a parole foul
February 14, 2026 at 6:09 PM
the existence of a jailbird implies the existence of a parole foul
Reposted by Billhelm
There’s always that one drunk asshole yelling at the band to play Freebird.
Mom really loves that song.
Mom really loves that song.
February 14, 2026 at 4:06 PM
There’s always that one drunk asshole yelling at the band to play Freebird.
Mom really loves that song.
Mom really loves that song.
Reposted by Billhelm
if i was crushing on you, i would tell no one but there would be valentines
February 14, 2026 at 5:17 PM
if i was crushing on you, i would tell no one but there would be valentines
Reposted by Billhelm
A Valentine’s Day haiku:
Roses may be red
But the goal of my poem
Is you in my bed
Roses may be red
But the goal of my poem
Is you in my bed
February 14, 2026 at 5:08 PM
A Valentine’s Day haiku:
Roses may be red
But the goal of my poem
Is you in my bed
Roses may be red
But the goal of my poem
Is you in my bed
Reposted by Billhelm
My wife and I have a little tradition. If I forget Valentines Day she gets to play Cupid with my compound bow and hunting arrows while I try to survive. So fun!
February 14, 2026 at 3:55 PM
My wife and I have a little tradition. If I forget Valentines Day she gets to play Cupid with my compound bow and hunting arrows while I try to survive. So fun!
Reposted by Billhelm
die hard is a valentines movie if you forget her favourite flowers
February 14, 2026 at 3:30 PM
die hard is a valentines movie if you forget her favourite flowers
Reposted by Billhelm
Her: tell me what turns you on
Me: rich people getting completely ruined, financially
Me: rich people getting completely ruined, financially
February 13, 2026 at 8:53 PM
Her: tell me what turns you on
Me: rich people getting completely ruined, financially
Me: rich people getting completely ruined, financially
Reposted by Billhelm
i can help y'all you know, i'm something of a shitposter myself
February 13, 2026 at 9:17 PM
i can help y'all you know, i'm something of a shitposter myself
Reposted by Billhelm
Jerry Lee Lewis having great balls of fire makes me feel even worse for his teen cousin bride. I think this condition in women is called labias ablaze.
February 13, 2026 at 3:42 PM
Jerry Lee Lewis having great balls of fire makes me feel even worse for his teen cousin bride. I think this condition in women is called labias ablaze.
Reposted by Billhelm
Coor’s Banquet Beer pairs perfectly with my microwave dinner. (Stouffers)
February 13, 2026 at 3:45 PM
Coor’s Banquet Beer pairs perfectly with my microwave dinner. (Stouffers)
Reposted by Billhelm
~ swinton is a great actor
February 13, 2026 at 4:53 PM
~ swinton is a great actor
Reposted by Billhelm
its wild how combining tiny adorable crimes always produces a cat
February 13, 2026 at 5:39 PM
its wild how combining tiny adorable crimes always produces a cat
Reposted by Billhelm
great balls of fire was written after the first valentine’s day but blue balls was more popular a term
February 13, 2026 at 3:14 PM
great balls of fire was written after the first valentine’s day but blue balls was more popular a term
Reposted by Billhelm
Therapist: I want to help you become a happier and more functional person
Every user here: but what will I post
Every user here: but what will I post
February 13, 2026 at 1:29 PM
Therapist: I want to help you become a happier and more functional person
Every user here: but what will I post
Every user here: but what will I post
Reposted by Billhelm
couples who sit on the same side of the booth pls stop it's weirding the rest of us out
February 13, 2026 at 1:33 AM
couples who sit on the same side of the booth pls stop it's weirding the rest of us out
Reposted by Billhelm
if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words
February 13, 2026 at 12:20 AM
if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words
Reposted by Billhelm
unconstructive, negative, bad vibes: let's not beat around the bush
encouraging, positive, good vibes: way to beat that bush, king!
encouraging, positive, good vibes: way to beat that bush, king!
February 12, 2026 at 9:32 PM
unconstructive, negative, bad vibes: let's not beat around the bush
encouraging, positive, good vibes: way to beat that bush, king!
encouraging, positive, good vibes: way to beat that bush, king!
Reposted by Billhelm
you have to feed your couch
crumbs or its going to rebel
crumbs or its going to rebel
February 12, 2026 at 8:05 PM
you have to feed your couch
crumbs or its going to rebel
crumbs or its going to rebel
Reposted by Billhelm
sex is a social cunt struck
February 12, 2026 at 8:01 PM
sex is a social cunt struck
Reposted by Billhelm
pessimist: the glass is half empty
optimist: the glass is half full
optometrist: the glasses will be $700
optimist: the glass is half full
optometrist: the glasses will be $700
February 12, 2026 at 8:32 PM
pessimist: the glass is half empty
optimist: the glass is half full
optometrist: the glasses will be $700
optimist: the glass is half full
optometrist: the glasses will be $700
Reposted by Billhelm
you can only pick one (choose wisely):
1. financial independence
2. balanced mental health
3. lifetime supply of corn dogs
1. financial independence
2. balanced mental health
3. lifetime supply of corn dogs
February 12, 2026 at 6:51 PM
you can only pick one (choose wisely):
1. financial independence
2. balanced mental health
3. lifetime supply of corn dogs
1. financial independence
2. balanced mental health
3. lifetime supply of corn dogs
Reposted by Billhelm
Today we probably shouldn't mention ketchup or greg
February 12, 2026 at 1:22 PM
Today we probably shouldn't mention ketchup or greg
Reposted by Billhelm
no quicksifs, quicksands, or quicksbuts about it
February 12, 2026 at 6:27 PM
no quicksifs, quicksands, or quicksbuts about it
Reposted by Billhelm
if we used quicksand in hourglasses the weekend would be here already
February 12, 2026 at 5:49 PM
if we used quicksand in hourglasses the weekend would be here already