Billhelm
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kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
Billhelm
@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social
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Contrary to its name, the Emperor Penguin holds no real power.

That is reserved for the Prime Minister Penguin.
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my resolution for this next year is to choose violence
December 31, 2025 at 4:19 PM
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for sale: pear tree. partridge died
December 31, 2025 at 2:35 PM
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hey guys where do we find the highway to the quiet zone all i can find is the danger one
December 31, 2025 at 1:37 PM
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(me handing a copy of war and peace back to the librarian)

this could have been an email
December 31, 2025 at 3:24 PM
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I'm tired of things costing money, I need things to cost cat hair
December 30, 2025 at 11:25 PM
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it's called "coca cola" because it used to be made out of real coal
December 30, 2025 at 11:00 PM
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If cats don’t want to be held like babies then why baby sized
October 1, 2025 at 9:16 PM
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if I worked in a secret lab I wouldn't tell anyone but there would be science
December 19, 2025 at 7:24 PM
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im so good at flipping out i should find work as a spatula
December 27, 2025 at 3:54 PM
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forming a coalition to stop hammer time
December 27, 2025 at 8:20 PM
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For Whom the Guy Replies
December 26, 2025 at 4:01 AM
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My wife is furious at our neighbor who sunbathes naked in her backyard.

Personally, I'm on the fence about it.
February 26, 2025 at 11:04 PM
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coffee isn’t enough i need to be jiggled about by one of those old timey weight loss machines
December 29, 2025 at 1:36 PM
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[being murdered]

murderer: *murdering*

Me: (realizing i won’t ever have to go back to work) thank you for this
December 29, 2025 at 7:21 PM
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I don’t need to explain myself to you! And I can’t. I’m a mystery to us all
December 30, 2025 at 4:03 AM
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how many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
December 28, 2025 at 12:49 AM
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cumin is clearly the most horny spice
December 28, 2025 at 2:48 AM
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Just a yearly reminder to load up on laxatives on December 31st way before midnight.

So you're not taking old shit into the new year.
December 29, 2025 at 6:51 PM
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[watching a pro athlete drop a pass]

me: *eating spaghettios for dinner* “what a loser”
December 30, 2025 at 3:30 AM
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a spinoff called Perfect Stranger Things
December 29, 2025 at 4:24 AM
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[nicolas cage voice]

we’re going to fuck the frozen corpse of walt disney
December 30, 2025 at 4:42 PM
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why does my cat give ‘as long as you live under my roof’ energy
December 30, 2025 at 7:50 PM
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why yes, yes that IS a burrito in my pocket...

...but I'm also happy to see you
December 30, 2025 at 8:27 PM
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time to take my not annoying pills so I’m not annoying today
December 30, 2025 at 4:11 PM
God damn it
December 30, 2025 at 4:00 PM