🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
@ltvargus.bsky.social
I'm Lex. I write books that are "full of gore and evil" according to one reader. http://ltvargus.com/books
My stupid posts:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:uesz4twpjyxhawilgwhdgndr/feed/aaadwblv2k7uq
My stupid posts:
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:uesz4twpjyxhawilgwhdgndr/feed/aaadwblv2k7uq
Pinned
🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
@ltvargus.bsky.social
· Oct 11
The police can never just pull you over. No, they always have a million nosy ass questions: "Why are you naked?" "Whose blood is that?"
The identical twins I nanny for just rolled their eyes up in their sockets until I could only see the whites and said 𝔴𝔢'𝔳𝔢 𝔟𝔢𝔢𝔫 𝔴𝔞𝔦𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔶𝔬𝔲 is that bad
January 8, 2026 at 2:52 PM
The identical twins I nanny for just rolled their eyes up in their sockets until I could only see the whites and said 𝔴𝔢'𝔳𝔢 𝔟𝔢𝔢𝔫 𝔴𝔞𝔦𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔣𝔬𝔯 𝔶𝔬𝔲 is that bad
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Woke up feeling like a billion mucks
January 8, 2026 at 2:47 PM
Woke up feeling like a billion mucks
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Addressing all the deer as "dear" and they don't even know.
January 8, 2026 at 12:01 AM
Addressing all the deer as "dear" and they don't even know.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Not now you son of a bitch I'm alphabetizing my spice drawer
April 16, 2025 at 8:46 PM
Not now you son of a bitch I'm alphabetizing my spice drawer
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Does anyone need me to courier a mysterious package to a remote area?
January 8, 2026 at 2:42 PM
Does anyone need me to courier a mysterious package to a remote area?
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
no one ever uses 'circlejerk' to describe cool things. y'all need to open your minds a little bit it's 2026
January 4, 2026 at 8:59 PM
no one ever uses 'circlejerk' to describe cool things. y'all need to open your minds a little bit it's 2026
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
I assume Pete Hegseth twists kittens apart to relieve stress.
January 7, 2026 at 4:09 AM
I assume Pete Hegseth twists kittens apart to relieve stress.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Sit me next to the folks who can talk openly about Bigfoot being an interdimensional being that can teleport *only*.
November 29, 2025 at 7:41 AM
Sit me next to the folks who can talk openly about Bigfoot being an interdimensional being that can teleport *only*.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
About to take my second luxurious bath of the day. Might stay there forever.
January 8, 2026 at 1:05 AM
About to take my second luxurious bath of the day. Might stay there forever.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Every part of the vagina also sounds like something you would see on a medieval map
January 6, 2026 at 6:21 PM
Every part of the vagina also sounds like something you would see on a medieval map
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Lemme tell you, if I had a pet monkey, things would be *way* different, man
January 8, 2026 at 2:52 AM
Lemme tell you, if I had a pet monkey, things would be *way* different, man
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Not sure what to make of all the people on this site who aren't here to shitpost. Did they have normal childhoods or what
January 5, 2025 at 12:37 AM
Not sure what to make of all the people on this site who aren't here to shitpost. Did they have normal childhoods or what
mcdonalds is run like a swiss watch, burger king however is run like a swiss crotch, send tweet
January 7, 2026 at 4:44 PM
mcdonalds is run like a swiss watch, burger king however is run like a swiss crotch, send tweet
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
If you don’t love me at my bad camera angle that makes me look like a swamp corpse after five days of bloating in the hot sun, you don’t deserve me at my good camera angle that makes me look like a swamp corpse after two days of bloating in the hot sun.
January 5, 2026 at 8:12 PM
If you don’t love me at my bad camera angle that makes me look like a swamp corpse after five days of bloating in the hot sun, you don’t deserve me at my good camera angle that makes me look like a swamp corpse after two days of bloating in the hot sun.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
People at the bar last night acted like they’d never heard someone do a sea shanty rap in the style of Eminem.
December 14, 2025 at 3:48 PM
People at the bar last night acted like they’d never heard someone do a sea shanty rap in the style of Eminem.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Terrifying it literal: the moon hitting your eyes like a big pizza pie
January 7, 2026 at 3:40 AM
Terrifying it literal: the moon hitting your eyes like a big pizza pie
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Getting to all my appointments early so I can shitpost for at least 15 minutes beforehand
January 6, 2026 at 6:23 PM
Getting to all my appointments early so I can shitpost for at least 15 minutes beforehand
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
"Still punk as fuck" I whisper as I slide a new pair of orthotic inserts into my chuck taylors
August 28, 2025 at 6:10 PM
"Still punk as fuck" I whisper as I slide a new pair of orthotic inserts into my chuck taylors
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
I am not eating a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs, I an inviting you on my snack journey
January 6, 2026 at 9:04 PM
I am not eating a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs, I an inviting you on my snack journey
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
The first person to say okie doke must've felt like a god.
January 6, 2026 at 11:29 PM
The first person to say okie doke must've felt like a god.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
I need the kind of tinnitus that drowns out my thoughts.
December 18, 2025 at 5:51 AM
I need the kind of tinnitus that drowns out my thoughts.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Sorry I can’t hang out I’m busy circling all the things I want in the Oriental Trading Company catalog with a sharpie
February 11, 2025 at 6:33 PM
Sorry I can’t hang out I’m busy circling all the things I want in the Oriental Trading Company catalog with a sharpie
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
Today is the first day of the rest of your life! (direct threat)
January 5, 2026 at 1:56 PM
Today is the first day of the rest of your life! (direct threat)
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
if you comment on my post and i don't reply or like it, please take this as the highest form of disrespect and an aggressive slight in my people’s culture.
January 6, 2026 at 7:46 AM
if you comment on my post and i don't reply or like it, please take this as the highest form of disrespect and an aggressive slight in my people’s culture.
Reposted by 🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕
sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sounds of me being a total fucking disaster
January 5, 2026 at 6:06 PM
sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sounds of me being a total fucking disaster