Knottsferatu
@grumpa.bsky.social
Army Vet ⚔️🏴☠️🇺🇦
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
"What the hell did I walk into this room for?!?"
🚫No DMs🚫No MAGA🚫No crypto🚫
Si vis pacem, para bellum.
"What the hell did I walk into this room for?!?"
🚫No DMs🚫No MAGA🚫No crypto🚫
Reposted by Knottsferatu
I like my gumbo made with real gum.
January 18, 2026 at 12:28 PM
I like my gumbo made with real gum.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
I've never looked into what a Hoochie Coochie Man actually is, but I have a feeling that it's none of my damn business.
January 17, 2026 at 1:30 PM
I've never looked into what a Hoochie Coochie Man actually is, but I have a feeling that it's none of my damn business.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
First thing you should do when you get to prison is walk into the bathroom and announce you have to go tinkly winkly
January 14, 2026 at 9:51 PM
First thing you should do when you get to prison is walk into the bathroom and announce you have to go tinkly winkly
Reposted by Knottsferatu
THEM: sorry i’m late to the bowling alley, everyone. i got a flat tire on the way
ME: sounds like you had to pick up a spare already
[later at the ER]
DR: how did he get stabbed with a bowling ball??
ME: sounds like you had to pick up a spare already
[later at the ER]
DR: how did he get stabbed with a bowling ball??
January 11, 2026 at 4:58 PM
THEM: sorry i’m late to the bowling alley, everyone. i got a flat tire on the way
ME: sounds like you had to pick up a spare already
[later at the ER]
DR: how did he get stabbed with a bowling ball??
ME: sounds like you had to pick up a spare already
[later at the ER]
DR: how did he get stabbed with a bowling ball??
Reposted by Knottsferatu
I get it, firing someone is the hardest part of your job as a manager blablahblah. Is this going somewhere?
January 12, 2026 at 5:57 PM
I get it, firing someone is the hardest part of your job as a manager blablahblah. Is this going somewhere?
Reposted by Knottsferatu
JIMMY OLSON: let’s go out and get lunch
LOIS LANE: okay
JIMMY OLSON: *puts on sunglasses* wow it’s bright out
LOIS LANE: who the fuck are you
LOIS LANE: okay
JIMMY OLSON: *puts on sunglasses* wow it’s bright out
LOIS LANE: who the fuck are you
January 7, 2026 at 4:52 PM
JIMMY OLSON: let’s go out and get lunch
LOIS LANE: okay
JIMMY OLSON: *puts on sunglasses* wow it’s bright out
LOIS LANE: who the fuck are you
LOIS LANE: okay
JIMMY OLSON: *puts on sunglasses* wow it’s bright out
LOIS LANE: who the fuck are you
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole.
January 2, 2026 at 2:49 PM
Hug the people you don't like so you know how big to dig the hole.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
if something scared the poop out of you that’s called a spooky dookie
December 30, 2025 at 11:17 PM
if something scared the poop out of you that’s called a spooky dookie
Reposted by Knottsferatu
What if farting was contagious like yawning?
December 30, 2025 at 5:41 PM
What if farting was contagious like yawning?
Reposted by Knottsferatu
I gazed upon my father's ancestral homelands today. I mean, one of his nuts popped out of his jorts.
December 30, 2025 at 3:16 PM
I gazed upon my father's ancestral homelands today. I mean, one of his nuts popped out of his jorts.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
December 27, 2025 at 2:06 PM
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
Me: no, why? did you forget?
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Imagine my disappointment when I learned that Boxing Day isn’t a day when you can punch people and get away with it. Send bail.
December 26, 2025 at 4:58 PM
Imagine my disappointment when I learned that Boxing Day isn’t a day when you can punch people and get away with it. Send bail.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Me: "I’ve brought a urine sample."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
December 25, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Me: "I’ve brought a urine sample."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
Doctor: "I didn’t ask for a urine sample."
Me: "There was a LOT of traffic."
Reposted by Knottsferatu
JOSEPH: *holding newborn baby* he’s a miracle
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
December 21, 2025 at 6:43 PM
JOSEPH: *holding newborn baby* he’s a miracle
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
MARY: what should we name him
*baby shits all over*
JOSEPH: jesus christ
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Cop: Have you been drinking, sir?
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
December 20, 2025 at 4:52 AM
Cop: Have you been drinking, sir?
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
Me: [just crashed into a tree completely sober while Googling “robot dicks”] Yes
Reposted by Knottsferatu
ladies & gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look to your left you'll see the ground coming up really fast so maybe look to your right
December 17, 2025 at 6:03 PM
ladies & gentlemen this is your captain speaking, if you look to your left you'll see the ground coming up really fast so maybe look to your right
Reposted by Knottsferatu
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
December 14, 2025 at 2:07 PM
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
(after drinking a full sugar soda) i wish someone would try to fight me
December 12, 2025 at 1:08 AM
(after drinking a full sugar soda) i wish someone would try to fight me
Reposted by Knottsferatu
“just be yourself”
well I did and now I’m medicated
well I did and now I’m medicated
December 11, 2025 at 6:19 PM
“just be yourself”
well I did and now I’m medicated
well I did and now I’m medicated
Reposted by Knottsferatu
The Great Pyramid of Giza is out of square by a few inches. We’re looking at you ancient aliens
December 12, 2025 at 5:06 PM
The Great Pyramid of Giza is out of square by a few inches. We’re looking at you ancient aliens
Reposted by Knottsferatu
rather than run the risk of inadvertently offending someone I insult people on purpose
December 8, 2025 at 7:38 PM
rather than run the risk of inadvertently offending someone I insult people on purpose
Reposted by Knottsferatu
Got tazed at the mall for shouting SLEIGH QUEEN at their Mrs Claus.
December 8, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Got tazed at the mall for shouting SLEIGH QUEEN at their Mrs Claus.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
It’s so cold out I actually drove my car to work using my nipples to steer.
December 5, 2025 at 2:41 PM
It’s so cold out I actually drove my car to work using my nipples to steer.
Reposted by Knottsferatu
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
December 5, 2025 at 10:10 PM
ME [arriving for my eye exam]: is this the right place
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
GUY BEHIND THE DELI COUNTER: no
Reposted by Knottsferatu
My ancestors ate or used every part of the wonderbread loaf
December 5, 2025 at 4:31 PM
My ancestors ate or used every part of the wonderbread loaf