Swim Jeans 👖
@shortsleevesuit.bsky.social
Pilot. Mancub. Liar. 🍸🤘
header by the great Marf Salvador
avi by @frovo.bsky.social
He/Him
👉: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bmvl67povgevf645aj6vfpje/feed/aaab5d3sxupgm
header by the great Marf Salvador
avi by @frovo.bsky.social
He/Him
👉: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:bmvl67povgevf645aj6vfpje/feed/aaab5d3sxupgm
Pinned
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy
November 22, 2025 at 6:20 PM
apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy
RFK Jr looks like if you microwaved a salad
November 22, 2025 at 9:20 PM
RFK Jr looks like if you microwaved a salad
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Saw an AI fireworks show and a guy lost all 7 fingers on one hand.
July 4, 2024 at 11:04 PM
Saw an AI fireworks show and a guy lost all 7 fingers on one hand.
[extreme Eagles voice] 🎶 there’s gonna be a carb load tonight
November 22, 2025 at 12:37 AM
[extreme Eagles voice] 🎶 there’s gonna be a carb load tonight
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.
November 21, 2025 at 2:08 PM
Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
I was like ‘so what’s your favourite Alanis Morrisette song’ and she was like ‘You Oughta Know’ and I was all ‘I’m not a fucken mind reader, Sharon’.
November 21, 2025 at 9:03 PM
I was like ‘so what’s your favourite Alanis Morrisette song’ and she was like ‘You Oughta Know’ and I was all ‘I’m not a fucken mind reader, Sharon’.
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
There should be a lot more hairstyles for dogs
November 21, 2025 at 6:32 PM
There should be a lot more hairstyles for dogs
ME: eat a bag of dicks
SEX ED INSTRUCTOR: *pinches bridge of nose* does anyone else know how babies are made
SEX ED INSTRUCTOR: *pinches bridge of nose* does anyone else know how babies are made
November 19, 2025 at 5:23 PM
ME: eat a bag of dicks
SEX ED INSTRUCTOR: *pinches bridge of nose* does anyone else know how babies are made
SEX ED INSTRUCTOR: *pinches bridge of nose* does anyone else know how babies are made
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow
November 18, 2025 at 3:48 PM
Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
An advent calendar but with street drugs
December 2, 2023 at 12:47 AM
An advent calendar but with street drugs
lol Clay Higgins I figured the cuck chair was for Mike Johnson but
November 18, 2025 at 9:26 PM
lol Clay Higgins I figured the cuck chair was for Mike Johnson but
The first thing that came to mind when I saw this ad
November 18, 2025 at 5:36 PM
The first thing that came to mind when I saw this ad
[watching someone leave my work parking lot just as I arrive] OH YOU LUCKY BASTARD
November 18, 2025 at 2:18 PM
[watching someone leave my work parking lot just as I arrive] OH YOU LUCKY BASTARD
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
November 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
If a woman looks sad, tell her, "You'd be pretty if you smiled more" and you won't see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
She’s a gassy wine mom he’s a bare knuckle boxing florist let’s see if sparks fly
November 18, 2025 at 1:37 AM
She’s a gassy wine mom he’s a bare knuckle boxing florist let’s see if sparks fly
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down
November 14, 2025 at 9:35 PM
THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
“This isn’t funny, Frank. Turn the lights back on.”
November 17, 2025 at 6:16 PM
“This isn’t funny, Frank. Turn the lights back on.”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
November 17, 2025 at 3:31 PM
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
It’s gonna take a lot more than that to change my mind. Maybe do a magic trick or something
November 16, 2025 at 1:41 PM
It’s gonna take a lot more than that to change my mind. Maybe do a magic trick or something
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
GOD: hi, welcome to heaven
ME: thanks…is there any BOFA here?
[30 seconds later]
SATAN: hi, welcome to hell
ME: thanks…is there any BOFA here?
[30 seconds later]
SATAN: hi, welcome to hell
October 25, 2025 at 8:04 PM
GOD: hi, welcome to heaven
ME: thanks…is there any BOFA here?
[30 seconds later]
SATAN: hi, welcome to hell
ME: thanks…is there any BOFA here?
[30 seconds later]
SATAN: hi, welcome to hell
COP: you’re under arrest
ME: 😏
ME: 😏
November 17, 2025 at 3:00 AM
COP: you’re under arrest
ME: 😏
ME: 😏
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
[reunited with a friend I haven’t seen since we were babies]
Me: You still into peekaboo?
Me: You still into peekaboo?
November 22, 2023 at 5:20 PM
[reunited with a friend I haven’t seen since we were babies]
Me: You still into peekaboo?
Me: You still into peekaboo?
[at the bank]
ME: I’d like to withdraw my penis
TELLER: you’re going to have to leave
ME: *pronounces pennies wrong again*
TELLER: security
ME: I’d like to withdraw my penis
TELLER: you’re going to have to leave
ME: *pronounces pennies wrong again*
TELLER: security
November 14, 2025 at 8:39 PM
[at the bank]
ME: I’d like to withdraw my penis
TELLER: you’re going to have to leave
ME: *pronounces pennies wrong again*
TELLER: security
ME: I’d like to withdraw my penis
TELLER: you’re going to have to leave
ME: *pronounces pennies wrong again*
TELLER: security
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
me: hello, i have a structured settlement-
jg wentworth: go on
me: but I don’t need cash now
jg wentworth: i am going to have you killed
jg wentworth: go on
me: but I don’t need cash now
jg wentworth: i am going to have you killed
July 15, 2024 at 11:01 PM
me: hello, i have a structured settlement-
jg wentworth: go on
me: but I don’t need cash now
jg wentworth: i am going to have you killed
jg wentworth: go on
me: but I don’t need cash now
jg wentworth: i am going to have you killed
Reposted by Swim Jeans 👖
A roll-on anti-aging serum, call it Deolderant
November 14, 2025 at 8:29 PM
A roll-on anti-aging serum, call it Deolderant