Fumblefingers Magee
@fumblefingersmagee.bsky.social
My brain is a burlap sack full of angry squirrels fighting to the death for the last piece of bacon.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Please stop donating your fruitcake to the animals. They don't like it either.
December 23, 2025 at 12:49 AM
Please stop donating your fruitcake to the animals. They don't like it either.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
When you accidentally swallow the little circle of foil from the back of you pill packaging, you get superpowers for the day
December 18, 2025 at 5:14 PM
When you accidentally swallow the little circle of foil from the back of you pill packaging, you get superpowers for the day
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Oh, you're drinking rice wine to help me? Don't do it for my sake.
December 21, 2025 at 6:03 AM
Oh, you're drinking rice wine to help me? Don't do it for my sake.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
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Oops sorry, I had it on all caps
December 21, 2025 at 6:11 PM
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Oops sorry, I had it on all caps
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Oops sorry, I had it on all caps
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
We have an opening for "big cat trainer." Must be faster than our previous big cat trainer.
December 14, 2025 at 7:53 AM
We have an opening for "big cat trainer." Must be faster than our previous big cat trainer.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
CENTURIES-LONG GLOBAL HOME INVASION SPREE FINALLY ENDS
December 10, 2025 at 6:05 PM
CENTURIES-LONG GLOBAL HOME INVASION SPREE FINALLY ENDS
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Will Arnett was on Conan and told a story about how Conan dealt with the death of his parents by accusing Jason Bateman of killing them. It’s so funny.
December 9, 2025 at 5:35 PM
Will Arnett was on Conan and told a story about how Conan dealt with the death of his parents by accusing Jason Bateman of killing them. It’s so funny.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
a new jersey-based christmas tree delivery service called Spruce Bringsteen
November 11, 2025 at 3:22 AM
a new jersey-based christmas tree delivery service called Spruce Bringsteen
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
psst last day to take advantage of this with guaranteed shipping by the holiday
Wanna support SMALL BIZ SATURDAY? Wanna support a cool indie bookstore? Want my books signed, personalized with holiday horror and sticker accompaniment shipped right to you? DO YOU WANT TO LIVE DELICIOUSLY. Then @doylestownbookshop.bsky.social has you covered:
doylestownbookshop.com/WendigHoliday
doylestownbookshop.com/WendigHoliday
November 30, 2025 at 7:02 PM
psst last day to take advantage of this with guaranteed shipping by the holiday
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
The pie filling became the filling in me. I am pie. Pie is I. We are pie.
November 28, 2025 at 6:25 PM
The pie filling became the filling in me. I am pie. Pie is I. We are pie.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
(Concert)
Singer: wooooo who's ready to party all night?!?!
Me: i can party until 9 pm! Sometimes even 9:15!!!
Singer: wooooo who's ready to party all night?!?!
Me: i can party until 9 pm! Sometimes even 9:15!!!
November 28, 2025 at 9:37 PM
(Concert)
Singer: wooooo who's ready to party all night?!?!
Me: i can party until 9 pm! Sometimes even 9:15!!!
Singer: wooooo who's ready to party all night?!?!
Me: i can party until 9 pm! Sometimes even 9:15!!!
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
November 27, 2025 at 2:07 PM
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
WHAT IF
THERE WAS *ONLY* PIE
A DAY OF PIE
BREAKFAST PIE
SAVORY PIE
SWEET PIE
SOME SORT OF ALCOHOLIC DRINKABLE PIE
PIESGIVING WE WOULD CALL IT AND THE WORLD WOULD THANK US IN PRAYER AND SONG AND IDEALLY PIE
THERE WAS *ONLY* PIE
A DAY OF PIE
BREAKFAST PIE
SAVORY PIE
SWEET PIE
SOME SORT OF ALCOHOLIC DRINKABLE PIE
PIESGIVING WE WOULD CALL IT AND THE WORLD WOULD THANK US IN PRAYER AND SONG AND IDEALLY PIE
WELCOME TO THE DAY OF MANY CALORIES
YOU SHALL CONSUME
YOU SHALL INGEST
YOU SHALL HEAVE YOUR SWOLLEN BODY ONTO THE COUCH MOANING AS YOU DO SO
BUT WAIT
THERE'S STILL PIE
YOU SHALL CONSUME
YOU SHALL INGEST
YOU SHALL HEAVE YOUR SWOLLEN BODY ONTO THE COUCH MOANING AS YOU DO SO
BUT WAIT
THERE'S STILL PIE
November 27, 2025 at 2:08 PM
WHAT IF
THERE WAS *ONLY* PIE
A DAY OF PIE
BREAKFAST PIE
SAVORY PIE
SWEET PIE
SOME SORT OF ALCOHOLIC DRINKABLE PIE
PIESGIVING WE WOULD CALL IT AND THE WORLD WOULD THANK US IN PRAYER AND SONG AND IDEALLY PIE
THERE WAS *ONLY* PIE
A DAY OF PIE
BREAKFAST PIE
SAVORY PIE
SWEET PIE
SOME SORT OF ALCOHOLIC DRINKABLE PIE
PIESGIVING WE WOULD CALL IT AND THE WORLD WOULD THANK US IN PRAYER AND SONG AND IDEALLY PIE
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
November 15, 2025 at 3:34 AM
After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Coaxing a patron from the gravy fountain at River Side Casino's Big Gobblers All You Can Eat Buffet isn't learned at any fancy concierge school. It is earned in battle.
November 27, 2025 at 12:04 AM
Coaxing a patron from the gravy fountain at River Side Casino's Big Gobblers All You Can Eat Buffet isn't learned at any fancy concierge school. It is earned in battle.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
A dating app that only shows their latest Spotify playlist and bank account balance.
November 26, 2025 at 11:30 AM
A dating app that only shows their latest Spotify playlist and bank account balance.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Me: Ok, so tell me again what it is that you do
Sherpa: Let me summit up for you
Sherpa: Let me summit up for you
July 4, 2023 at 7:55 PM
Me: Ok, so tell me again what it is that you do
Sherpa: Let me summit up for you
Sherpa: Let me summit up for you
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
The universe is balanced. For every *‘live, laugh, love’* person, there’s someone like me muttering *‘die motherfucker’* into their coffee.
June 9, 2025 at 11:33 AM
The universe is balanced. For every *‘live, laugh, love’* person, there’s someone like me muttering *‘die motherfucker’* into their coffee.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Nothing screams MAGA like a story that feels like a rejected plot from a reality TV show.
November 15, 2025 at 1:44 PM
Nothing screams MAGA like a story that feels like a rejected plot from a reality TV show.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Arthur Kurt Vonnegut would have been 103 today
In 2006, a student was assigned to write a famous author for advice, and this was Vonnegut's reply
In 2006, a student was assigned to write a famous author for advice, and this was Vonnegut's reply
November 11, 2025 at 6:11 PM
Arthur Kurt Vonnegut would have been 103 today
In 2006, a student was assigned to write a famous author for advice, and this was Vonnegut's reply
In 2006, a student was assigned to write a famous author for advice, and this was Vonnegut's reply
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
Please stop giving MAGA hats to the buzzards circling the building. They do not understand irony.
November 5, 2025 at 11:28 PM
Please stop giving MAGA hats to the buzzards circling the building. They do not understand irony.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
I hired a ghost writer for my biography. She's a normal human and not a spooky victorian ghost. I want my money back
November 5, 2025 at 1:23 AM
I hired a ghost writer for my biography. She's a normal human and not a spooky victorian ghost. I want my money back
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
if anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet sweet release of death, i’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
November 1, 2025 at 8:32 PM
if anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet sweet release of death, i’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Reposted by Fumblefingers Magee
If you told me back in January that by October the White House would look like this… I totally would’ve believed you.
October 22, 2025 at 1:42 AM
If you told me back in January that by October the White House would look like this… I totally would’ve believed you.