𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
@qwertying.bsky.social
I write jokes people, not to be taken seriously. I administer involuntary nasal exorcisms.
♥️ My wife: @skedaddle74.bsky.social
🎉 My bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:zlxnj6iqvkdlmoj6npjt2l4o/feed/aaaemekfmmumo
🚫Crypto 🚫Onlyfan 🚫Porn 🚫DM=Block
♥️ My wife: @skedaddle74.bsky.social
🎉 My bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:zlxnj6iqvkdlmoj6npjt2l4o/feed/aaaemekfmmumo
🚫Crypto 🚫Onlyfan 🚫Porn 🚫DM=Block
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𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
@qwertying.bsky.social
· Feb 23
I don’t have regrets. I have a collection of poor decisions that I’ve rebranded as “life lessons.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I wrote those jokes about parasites and then was sick as a dog all day. Gotta come up with some jokes about hot women who are attracted to emotionally stunted short men.
February 4, 2026 at 4:34 AM
I wrote those jokes about parasites and then was sick as a dog all day. Gotta come up with some jokes about hot women who are attracted to emotionally stunted short men.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
While morale is generally low, the eye candy at work is a significant growth area.
February 4, 2026 at 3:25 PM
While morale is generally low, the eye candy at work is a significant growth area.
You know what's humbling?
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
February 4, 2026 at 3:25 PM
You know what's humbling?
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
There is no lonelier feeling than being wide awake at 3 a.m. and realizing your spouse is having a fascinating, silent conversation with a dream boyfriend.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
February 4, 2026 at 11:43 AM
There is no lonelier feeling than being wide awake at 3 a.m. and realizing your spouse is having a fascinating, silent conversation with a dream boyfriend.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
My wife can fall asleep during a thunderstorm. I need the perfect alignment of no noise, temperature, and cosmic forgiveness for a 1998 comment I made about her mother’s meatloaf.
February 4, 2026 at 11:38 AM
My wife can fall asleep during a thunderstorm. I need the perfect alignment of no noise, temperature, and cosmic forgiveness for a 1998 comment I made about her mother’s meatloaf.
Have you ever been so awake at night that you could hear your own hair growing? It sounds like a tiny, disapproving audience shifting in their seats, waiting for the punchline.
I need a good punch… line.
I need a good punch… line.
February 4, 2026 at 11:34 AM
Have you ever been so awake at night that you could hear your own hair growing? It sounds like a tiny, disapproving audience shifting in their seats, waiting for the punchline.
I need a good punch… line.
I need a good punch… line.
My last coherent thought at 3AM is always something profound. "Do fish get thirsty?"
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
February 4, 2026 at 11:28 AM
My last coherent thought at 3AM is always something profound. "Do fish get thirsty?"
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
i was funny for five days what have *you* done
January 29, 2026 at 11:27 AM
i was funny for five days what have *you* done
I hate hotel room showers. There's no logic. You turn the knob a millimetre and go from "Arctic Glacier" to "Surface of the Sun."
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
February 3, 2026 at 9:02 PM
I hate hotel room showers. There's no logic. You turn the knob a millimetre and go from "Arctic Glacier" to "Surface of the Sun."
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
The grocery store puts the milk in the very back. So you have to walk past the manipulated cheese, the artisan bread that’s just old bread, and a pyramid of avocados that will be garbage in 20 minutes.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
February 3, 2026 at 6:24 PM
The grocery store puts the milk in the very back. So you have to walk past the manipulated cheese, the artisan bread that’s just old bread, and a pyramid of avocados that will be garbage in 20 minutes.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
It’s the world’s most exclusive Epstein files list. “How’d you get in?”
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
February 3, 2026 at 5:47 PM
It’s the world’s most exclusive Epstein files list. “How’d you get in?”
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
They all visited for “philanthropy.”
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
February 3, 2026 at 5:44 PM
They all visited for “philanthropy.”
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
People who talk to their dogs are not judged as harshly as those that talk to themselves.
February 3, 2026 at 1:17 PM
People who talk to their dogs are not judged as harshly as those that talk to themselves.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I live in the economic friend zone: not poor enough to be poor, yet not rich enough to be rich.
January 29, 2026 at 9:41 AM
I live in the economic friend zone: not poor enough to be poor, yet not rich enough to be rich.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Little scary when the temperature outside starts to look like your bank balance.
January 23, 2026 at 2:40 PM
Little scary when the temperature outside starts to look like your bank balance.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Stupid temps are so cold that I am afraid to go outside. I think there maybe so much shrinkage, it would be like getting a sex change. 🤷🏻♂️
January 24, 2026 at 4:08 AM
Stupid temps are so cold that I am afraid to go outside. I think there maybe so much shrinkage, it would be like getting a sex change. 🤷🏻♂️
I bought a pair of those fancy diabetic supportive underwear. They really do help the boys to behave.
It’s like a luxury condo for my downstairs neighbours.
—Now they just sit in the sauna, complaining about the landscaping
It’s like a luxury condo for my downstairs neighbours.
—Now they just sit in the sauna, complaining about the landscaping
February 3, 2026 at 1:18 AM
I bought a pair of those fancy diabetic supportive underwear. They really do help the boys to behave.
It’s like a luxury condo for my downstairs neighbours.
—Now they just sit in the sauna, complaining about the landscaping
It’s like a luxury condo for my downstairs neighbours.
—Now they just sit in the sauna, complaining about the landscaping
God gave men a built-in stress balls. But you can’t use them because they are the stress.
It’s a flawed system.
It’s a flawed system.
February 3, 2026 at 1:11 AM
God gave men a built-in stress balls. But you can’t use them because they are the stress.
It’s a flawed system.
It’s a flawed system.
There’s a pretty good reason why men walk like cowboys.
We’re not cool. We’re just negotiating a temporary truce between two warring factions.
We’re not cool. We’re just negotiating a temporary truce between two warring factions.
February 3, 2026 at 1:10 AM
There’s a pretty good reason why men walk like cowboys.
We’re not cool. We’re just negotiating a temporary truce between two warring factions.
We’re not cool. We’re just negotiating a temporary truce between two warring factions.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I’m not a magician but I do have a pretty magical touch
February 3, 2026 at 12:50 AM
I’m not a magician but I do have a pretty magical touch
It's like a magic trick. "Now you see motivation and now it's gone!"
The only thing she’s pulled out of my pants, is a disappointing regret.
The only thing she’s pulled out of my pants, is a disappointing regret.
February 2, 2026 at 11:09 PM
It's like a magic trick. "Now you see motivation and now it's gone!"
The only thing she’s pulled out of my pants, is a disappointing regret.
The only thing she’s pulled out of my pants, is a disappointing regret.
My body in a snowsuit looks like a giant, pasty sausage that's been badly stuffed.
I can't put my arms down, and my mobility is roughly that of a rolled-away refrigerator.
I can't put my arms down, and my mobility is roughly that of a rolled-away refrigerator.
February 2, 2026 at 6:58 PM
My body in a snowsuit looks like a giant, pasty sausage that's been badly stuffed.
I can't put my arms down, and my mobility is roughly that of a rolled-away refrigerator.
I can't put my arms down, and my mobility is roughly that of a rolled-away refrigerator.
Snow on the trees is beautiful. Snow on in my driveway is a betrayal. It's the same stuff!
I have such a complicated relationship with frozen water.
I have such a complicated relationship with frozen water.
February 2, 2026 at 6:57 PM
Snow on the trees is beautiful. Snow on in my driveway is a betrayal. It's the same stuff!
I have such a complicated relationship with frozen water.
I have such a complicated relationship with frozen water.
You know that jolt you get when you almost step on the dog's tail? They've harnessed that feeling into an energy drink called “Tomorrow’s Regrets.”
February 2, 2026 at 6:42 PM
You know that jolt you get when you almost step on the dog's tail? They've harnessed that feeling into an energy drink called “Tomorrow’s Regrets.”
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Ladies night down at The Construction Cafe was always popular with board carpenters who were hoping to get screwed.
February 2, 2026 at 5:50 PM
Ladies night down at The Construction Cafe was always popular with board carpenters who were hoping to get screwed.