𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
@qwertying.bsky.social
I write jokes people, not to be taken seriously. I administer involuntary nasal exorcisms.
♥️ My wife: @skedaddle74.bsky.social
🎉 My bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:zlxnj6iqvkdlmoj6npjt2l4o/feed/aaaemekfmmumo
🚫Crypto 🚫Onlyfan 🚫Porn 🚫DM=Block
♥️ My wife: @skedaddle74.bsky.social
🎉 My bangers: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:zlxnj6iqvkdlmoj6npjt2l4o/feed/aaaemekfmmumo
🚫Crypto 🚫Onlyfan 🚫Porn 🚫DM=Block
Pinned
𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
@qwertying.bsky.social
· Feb 23
I don’t have regrets. I have a collection of poor decisions that I’ve rebranded as “life lessons.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I’m shy at first and then gradually turn insane.
February 4, 2026 at 7:27 PM
I’m shy at first and then gradually turn insane.
In the old days of Twitter the group I joined in a chatroom is just a graveyard of forgotten thoughts.
Someone will say “hot dog is a sandwich” and then seven followers won’t speak to each other for several weeks.
—Tough group.
Someone will say “hot dog is a sandwich” and then seven followers won’t speak to each other for several weeks.
—Tough group.
February 4, 2026 at 7:25 PM
In the old days of Twitter the group I joined in a chatroom is just a graveyard of forgotten thoughts.
Someone will say “hot dog is a sandwich” and then seven followers won’t speak to each other for several weeks.
—Tough group.
Someone will say “hot dog is a sandwich” and then seven followers won’t speak to each other for several weeks.
—Tough group.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I know that I could never chop up a body with an axe should I ever need to dispose of a corpse. It’s not that I’m squeamish or anything, I just lack the necessary upper body strength.
February 4, 2026 at 2:04 PM
I know that I could never chop up a body with an axe should I ever need to dispose of a corpse. It’s not that I’m squeamish or anything, I just lack the necessary upper body strength.
My wife saw my “shitpost” the other day. It was just a screenshot of a weather radar with the word “SPOOPY” written on it.
She looked at me the way you look at a cat that just proudly brought you a dead rat.
She looked at me the way you look at a cat that just proudly brought you a dead rat.
February 4, 2026 at 5:17 PM
My wife saw my “shitpost” the other day. It was just a screenshot of a weather radar with the word “SPOOPY” written on it.
She looked at me the way you look at a cat that just proudly brought you a dead rat.
She looked at me the way you look at a cat that just proudly brought you a dead rat.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I sometimes wonder if Lyme disease carrying ticks are dreaming about me too
February 4, 2026 at 3:34 PM
I sometimes wonder if Lyme disease carrying ticks are dreaming about me too
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Maybe I'm so loud now to make up for all the years I didn't have a voice.
February 4, 2026 at 2:30 PM
Maybe I'm so loud now to make up for all the years I didn't have a voice.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Life is messy.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
February 4, 2026 at 3:39 PM
Life is messy.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Sex is best when all parties sound like seagulls fighting over a bag of parking lot fries
February 4, 2026 at 3:41 PM
Sex is best when all parties sound like seagulls fighting over a bag of parking lot fries
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Everything becomes sexier if you add the word French to it.
Fries. Kiss. Crocodile...
Fries. Kiss. Crocodile...
February 3, 2026 at 8:30 AM
Everything becomes sexier if you add the word French to it.
Fries. Kiss. Crocodile...
Fries. Kiss. Crocodile...
I used the crying-laughing emoji unironically.
A critic gently informed me it's now the digital equivalent of wearing socks with sandals.
A critic gently informed me it's now the digital equivalent of wearing socks with sandals.
February 4, 2026 at 3:40 PM
I used the crying-laughing emoji unironically.
A critic gently informed me it's now the digital equivalent of wearing socks with sandals.
A critic gently informed me it's now the digital equivalent of wearing socks with sandals.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I wrote those jokes about parasites and then was sick as a dog all day. Gotta come up with some jokes about hot women who are attracted to emotionally stunted short men.
February 4, 2026 at 4:34 AM
I wrote those jokes about parasites and then was sick as a dog all day. Gotta come up with some jokes about hot women who are attracted to emotionally stunted short men.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
While morale is generally low, the eye candy at work is a significant growth area.
February 4, 2026 at 3:25 PM
While morale is generally low, the eye candy at work is a significant growth area.
You know what's humbling?
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
February 4, 2026 at 3:25 PM
You know what's humbling?
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
Trying to put on a sock while suffering from a herniated disc.
—There’s struggle, there’s regret, there’s lying on the bed questioning all your life choices that led to this moment with a sock.
There is no lonelier feeling than being wide awake at 3 a.m. and realizing your spouse is having a fascinating, silent conversation with a dream boyfriend.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
February 4, 2026 at 11:43 AM
There is no lonelier feeling than being wide awake at 3 a.m. and realizing your spouse is having a fascinating, silent conversation with a dream boyfriend.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
—I’m a third wheel in my own bed.
My wife can fall asleep during a thunderstorm. I need the perfect alignment of no noise, temperature, and cosmic forgiveness for a 1998 comment I made about her mother’s meatloaf.
February 4, 2026 at 11:38 AM
My wife can fall asleep during a thunderstorm. I need the perfect alignment of no noise, temperature, and cosmic forgiveness for a 1998 comment I made about her mother’s meatloaf.
Have you ever been so awake at night that you could hear your own hair growing? It sounds like a tiny, disapproving audience shifting in their seats, waiting for the punchline.
I need a good punch… line.
I need a good punch… line.
February 4, 2026 at 11:34 AM
Have you ever been so awake at night that you could hear your own hair growing? It sounds like a tiny, disapproving audience shifting in their seats, waiting for the punchline.
I need a good punch… line.
I need a good punch… line.
My last coherent thought at 3AM is always something profound. "Do fish get thirsty?"
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
February 4, 2026 at 11:28 AM
My last coherent thought at 3AM is always something profound. "Do fish get thirsty?"
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
Then my brain, the cruel DJ it is, plays the full theme song to "Perfect Strangers."
—Sleep is not coming. Balki is.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
i was funny for five days what have *you* done
January 29, 2026 at 11:27 AM
i was funny for five days what have *you* done
I hate hotel room showers. There's no logic. You turn the knob a millimetre and go from "Arctic Glacier" to "Surface of the Sun."
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
February 3, 2026 at 9:02 PM
I hate hotel room showers. There's no logic. You turn the knob a millimetre and go from "Arctic Glacier" to "Surface of the Sun."
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
You spend 15 minutes manipulating it, and you still end up washing your hair in an indoor pool.
The grocery store puts the milk in the very back. So you have to walk past the manipulated cheese, the artisan bread that’s just old bread, and a pyramid of avocados that will be garbage in 20 minutes.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
February 3, 2026 at 6:24 PM
The grocery store puts the milk in the very back. So you have to walk past the manipulated cheese, the artisan bread that’s just old bread, and a pyramid of avocados that will be garbage in 20 minutes.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
By the time I get the milk for my wife and me, my shopping cart is full for a family of six.
It’s the world’s most exclusive Epstein files list. “How’d you get in?”
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
February 3, 2026 at 5:47 PM
It’s the world’s most exclusive Epstein files list. “How’d you get in?”
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
The number one excuse:
“Oh, you know, morals. I left them on the mainland.
They all visited for “philanthropy.”
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
February 3, 2026 at 5:44 PM
They all visited for “philanthropy.”
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
Sure.
The philanthropy of “Please don’t let my name end up in that little black book called the Epstein files that definitely needs to get out.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
People who talk to their dogs are not judged as harshly as those that talk to themselves.
February 3, 2026 at 1:17 PM
People who talk to their dogs are not judged as harshly as those that talk to themselves.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
I live in the economic friend zone: not poor enough to be poor, yet not rich enough to be rich.
January 29, 2026 at 9:41 AM
I live in the economic friend zone: not poor enough to be poor, yet not rich enough to be rich.
Reposted by 𝕋𝕀𝕄 🇨🇦
Little scary when the temperature outside starts to look like your bank balance.
January 23, 2026 at 2:40 PM
Little scary when the temperature outside starts to look like your bank balance.