Handsome B. Wonderful
@507pm.bsky.social
McRib enthusiast, Shasta sommelier, former Barry Manilow hype man (acquitted)
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
I am reading Ulysses by James Joyce and as it turns out I don't know how to read
November 14, 2025 at 9:27 PM
I am reading Ulysses by James Joyce and as it turns out I don't know how to read
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Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
August 10, 2023 at 1:50 AM
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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Benjamin Button takes a deep breath and begins to type...
July 8, 2025 at 1:17 AM
Benjamin Button takes a deep breath and begins to type...
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alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
July 2, 2025 at 2:59 PM
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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You haven't seen disappointment until you've seen a 3 year old put on her grandmother's reading glasses and still not be able to read.
June 29, 2025 at 7:22 PM
You haven't seen disappointment until you've seen a 3 year old put on her grandmother's reading glasses and still not be able to read.
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Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.
June 28, 2025 at 2:44 PM
Not enough has been written about Schrödinger’s assistant, Otto.
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The chameleon exhibit will be closed between 11-3 today, as they are all required to attend cultural appropriation training.
June 30, 2025 at 6:00 PM
The chameleon exhibit will be closed between 11-3 today, as they are all required to attend cultural appropriation training.
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Whatever just climbed from the tar pit is not of this earth even though it asked to be called "Big Dennis."
June 16, 2025 at 3:53 AM
Whatever just climbed from the tar pit is not of this earth even though it asked to be called "Big Dennis."
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First of all, I didn’t “attack your nana.” It was a sword fight
January 18, 2025 at 3:25 PM
First of all, I didn’t “attack your nana.” It was a sword fight
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[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
September 17, 2023 at 2:53 PM
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
It’s a trebuchet not a catapult I say as they strap me into the trebuchet
February 4, 2025 at 11:50 PM
It’s a trebuchet not a catapult I say as they strap me into the trebuchet
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me [from bedroom]: mommmmm!
mom: what? why are you yelling
me: grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
mom: grandma’s dead hon
me: that’s why i’m yelling
mom: what? why are you yelling
me: grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
mom: grandma’s dead hon
me: that’s why i’m yelling
October 7, 2023 at 7:08 PM
me [from bedroom]: mommmmm!
mom: what? why are you yelling
me: grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
mom: grandma’s dead hon
me: that’s why i’m yelling
mom: what? why are you yelling
me: grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
mom: grandma’s dead hon
me: that’s why i’m yelling
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
December 10, 2024 at 10:07 PM
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
December 28, 2024 at 2:29 AM
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
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Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No, my attraction to you is genuine
Me: No, my attraction to you is genuine
November 21, 2024 at 2:59 AM
Officer: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No, my attraction to you is genuine
Me: No, my attraction to you is genuine
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Years ago, when I worked at Texas Roadhouse, the general manager once spotted me passing a basket of fries to the teens in the dish pit. He called me into the office, sat me down, and very somberly said: I think you're getting caught up in some bad stuff, Ryan
August 17, 2024 at 7:00 PM
Years ago, when I worked at Texas Roadhouse, the general manager once spotted me passing a basket of fries to the teens in the dish pit. He called me into the office, sat me down, and very somberly said: I think you're getting caught up in some bad stuff, Ryan
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
Can’t believe they made a statue to commemorate that time I got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese’s
August 18, 2024 at 7:19 PM
Can’t believe they made a statue to commemorate that time I got kicked out of Chuck E. Cheese’s
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schrödinger choosing “all of the above” to every question on a multiple choice test
July 22, 2024 at 11:49 PM
schrödinger choosing “all of the above” to every question on a multiple choice test
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “I love your optimism.”
Me: “I love your optimism.”
July 16, 2024 at 5:22 PM
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “I love your optimism.”
Me: “I love your optimism.”
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
July 16, 2024 at 1:39 PM
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
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the 80s had a high density of celebrities whose authenticity was hard to figure out, as a kid. like, was Mr. T a real guy? he was like that in shows/movies but also in interviews? or pee wee, elvira, max headroom, various wrestlers. even alf was on celebrity squares. it was a confusing time.
July 15, 2024 at 2:58 AM
the 80s had a high density of celebrities whose authenticity was hard to figure out, as a kid. like, was Mr. T a real guy? he was like that in shows/movies but also in interviews? or pee wee, elvira, max headroom, various wrestlers. even alf was on celebrity squares. it was a confusing time.
Reposted by Handsome B. Wonderful
Gentlemen, it is with deepest regret I must inform you that I am straight up not having a good time
July 8, 2024 at 1:06 AM
Gentlemen, it is with deepest regret I must inform you that I am straight up not having a good time
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until printer learned to love printer
October 10, 2023 at 3:26 PM
until printer learned to love printer
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Flora and Fauna would be pretty names for two toddler assassins
October 12, 2023 at 12:00 AM
Flora and Fauna would be pretty names for two toddler assassins