Henpecked Hal
@henpeckedhal.bsky.social
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.
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My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
November 10, 2025 at 8:59 PM
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
My 4 year old said he was carsick so I dumped the groceries from a plastic bag & passed it back to him with instructions to "throw up inside it." I heard him throw up & looked back to see that he'd put the bag on over his head like a helmet, so the puke fell right out the bottom.
November 10, 2025 at 7:08 PM
My 4 year old said he was carsick so I dumped the groceries from a plastic bag & passed it back to him with instructions to "throw up inside it." I heard him throw up & looked back to see that he'd put the bag on over his head like a helmet, so the puke fell right out the bottom.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
November 9, 2025 at 8:10 PM
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Did we have a good time at our friends' house last night? Let's put it this way--we were over there until 9:45 pm. So yeah, you could say we had a good time.
November 9, 2025 at 5:03 PM
Did we have a good time at our friends' house last night? Let's put it this way--we were over there until 9:45 pm. So yeah, you could say we had a good time.
My son asked if I could pack the same snack in his lunch again and I said, "Oh, wow! So you liked it???" He replied, "No, I hated it, that's why I want it again." It was quiet in the car for a second, then he added, "I'm working on my scarcasm."
November 7, 2025 at 9:47 PM
My son asked if I could pack the same snack in his lunch again and I said, "Oh, wow! So you liked it???" He replied, "No, I hated it, that's why I want it again." It was quiet in the car for a second, then he added, "I'm working on my scarcasm."
Coolest move I ever saw at a bar: guy tapped the shoulder of the man sitting next to me & gave him the old “I think you’re in my seat.” “I don’t see your name on it,” he replied. “Look again,” the guy said. Sure enough, the staff had engraved the names of regulars on their chairs.
November 7, 2025 at 5:54 PM
Coolest move I ever saw at a bar: guy tapped the shoulder of the man sitting next to me & gave him the old “I think you’re in my seat.” “I don’t see your name on it,” he replied. “Look again,” the guy said. Sure enough, the staff had engraved the names of regulars on their chairs.
“You really shouldn’t be doing this,” he said to himself as he continued to set his coffee down in an unnecessarily precarious position despite countless other alternatives being within arm’s reach.
November 6, 2025 at 3:46 PM
“You really shouldn’t be doing this,” he said to himself as he continued to set his coffee down in an unnecessarily precarious position despite countless other alternatives being within arm’s reach.
To the grown woman at Costco pushing a grocery cart for the very first time: that Funyun display can be rebuilt; my Achilles tendon can be surgically reattached. Never stop growing. Never stop reaching for the stars. This world is yours, ma. You got this.
November 5, 2025 at 9:24 PM
To the grown woman at Costco pushing a grocery cart for the very first time: that Funyun display can be rebuilt; my Achilles tendon can be surgically reattached. Never stop growing. Never stop reaching for the stars. This world is yours, ma. You got this.
I'm on a walk with my 4 year old. There's not another person in sight. I've tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she's stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We've still got a long walk ahead--I'm going to go for the world record.
November 4, 2025 at 8:59 PM
I'm on a walk with my 4 year old. There's not another person in sight. I've tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she's stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We've still got a long walk ahead--I'm going to go for the world record.
I don't know if there's a right time for your preschooler to whisper, "are humans made out of meat?" in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
November 4, 2025 at 7:12 PM
I don't know if there's a right time for your preschooler to whisper, "are humans made out of meat?" in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
me: you can't take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
November 3, 2025 at 6:53 PM
me: you can't take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
Parents of toddlers, don't forget to set your lives back a month this weekend.
November 2, 2025 at 4:13 PM
Parents of toddlers, don't forget to set your lives back a month this weekend.
Reminded my daughter to bring her trick or treat bag with her. She said, "I don't need one. I'm just going to eat the candy as they hand it to me." If that's not the Halloween spirit I don't know what is.
November 1, 2025 at 8:39 PM
Reminded my daughter to bring her trick or treat bag with her. She said, "I don't need one. I'm just going to eat the candy as they hand it to me." If that's not the Halloween spirit I don't know what is.
My son wouldn't leave the school Halloween event without seeing his best friend. For 45 minutes we scoured the dark parking lot for a kid in disguise. Finally, we spotted him--Pikachu, of course--and 5 seconds later, after the world's most half-hearted wave, we were heading home.
November 1, 2025 at 6:13 PM
My son wouldn't leave the school Halloween event without seeing his best friend. For 45 minutes we scoured the dark parking lot for a kid in disguise. Finally, we spotted him--Pikachu, of course--and 5 seconds later, after the world's most half-hearted wave, we were heading home.
teacher: your son didn't show up at school today
ghost: great news
ghost: great news
October 31, 2025 at 7:46 PM
teacher: your son didn't show up at school today
ghost: great news
ghost: great news
Reposted by Henpecked Hal
the bear will talk, it’s just a matter of time
October 31, 2025 at 3:44 PM
the bear will talk, it’s just a matter of time
I spent 45 minutes filling my shopping cart with the most expensive Halloween candy I could find and 45 seconds unscrewing the light bulbs on our front porch so I don't have to share it with any stupid kids.
October 30, 2025 at 11:02 PM
I spent 45 minutes filling my shopping cart with the most expensive Halloween candy I could find and 45 seconds unscrewing the light bulbs on our front porch so I don't have to share it with any stupid kids.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn't want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she's not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
October 29, 2025 at 9:51 PM
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn't want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she's not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. "I want to fight a ghost," were his exact words.
October 29, 2025 at 6:18 PM
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. "I want to fight a ghost," were his exact words.
OMG my toddler just said her mac & cheese was "soaking good" and I think we need to be more careful with our language around here
October 27, 2025 at 6:56 PM
OMG my toddler just said her mac & cheese was "soaking good" and I think we need to be more careful with our language around here
Over the weekend I drove 45 minutes away so my son could ride his bike on a real BMX track. He made one pass down the least challenging set of hills, took off his helmet, and said, "well, that was easy. let's go home."
October 26, 2025 at 8:25 PM
Over the weekend I drove 45 minutes away so my son could ride his bike on a real BMX track. He made one pass down the least challenging set of hills, took off his helmet, and said, "well, that was easy. let's go home."
me: listen, I’m going to explain everything again, but I don’t want any comments, questions, or interruptions until I’m done. period.
son: ok, but can I just say something?
son: ok, but can I just say something?
October 26, 2025 at 7:06 PM
me: listen, I’m going to explain everything again, but I don’t want any comments, questions, or interruptions until I’m done. period.
son: ok, but can I just say something?
son: ok, but can I just say something?
son: this is NOT what it looks like
me: it looks like you’re hiding all of your clean clothes in the back of your closet so you don’t have to fold them and put them away
son: ok, it IS what it looks like
me: it looks like you’re hiding all of your clean clothes in the back of your closet so you don’t have to fold them and put them away
son: ok, it IS what it looks like
October 24, 2025 at 8:39 PM
son: this is NOT what it looks like
me: it looks like you’re hiding all of your clean clothes in the back of your closet so you don’t have to fold them and put them away
son: ok, it IS what it looks like
me: it looks like you’re hiding all of your clean clothes in the back of your closet so you don’t have to fold them and put them away
son: ok, it IS what it looks like
My daughter was beaming when I picked her up from school today. She proudly announced that she’d been named “third in command” of her dance team. Her dance team, which practices exclusively at recess, is composed of her and her two best friends.
October 23, 2025 at 10:08 PM
My daughter was beaming when I picked her up from school today. She proudly announced that she’d been named “third in command” of her dance team. Her dance team, which practices exclusively at recess, is composed of her and her two best friends.
Dexter, but he targets people who knock on your door then instantly ring the doorbell.
October 23, 2025 at 3:50 PM
Dexter, but he targets people who knock on your door then instantly ring the doorbell.