Henpecked Hal
@henpeckedhal.bsky.social
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.
Pinned
Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit.
November 17, 2025 at 8:17 PM
Why am I the only dad here for parent-teacher conferences? Am I the only dad who can take time off work? The only dad to view this as a parenting duty, not a mommy duty? The only dad who often marks the wrong date on his calendar? The conferences are tomorrow, aren't they? Dammit.
I challenged my kids to a game of Mario Kart last night and my daughter asked if we could play “Walking Mario” instead. I asked what Walking Mario was and she said, “you know, the one where he’s a pedestrian instead of a driver.” She was referring to Super Mario Bros.
November 17, 2025 at 6:40 PM
I challenged my kids to a game of Mario Kart last night and my daughter asked if we could play “Walking Mario” instead. I asked what Walking Mario was and she said, “you know, the one where he’s a pedestrian instead of a driver.” She was referring to Super Mario Bros.
Welcome to your 40's. One day you'll turn on subtitles because you can't understand a character's accent and you'll never turn them off again.
November 16, 2025 at 11:20 PM
Welcome to your 40's. One day you'll turn on subtitles because you can't understand a character's accent and you'll never turn them off again.
My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
November 16, 2025 at 8:27 PM
My wife and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.
November 16, 2025 at 6:38 PM
I have no clue why, but my twelve year old nephew was bragging about how he would kick my ass at bowling. I said, "I'll bet you $20 AND I'll even bowl right-handed." He quickly accepted. Fast forward 2 weeks and we just had our game. I absolutely destroyed him. I am right-handed.
I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.
November 15, 2025 at 10:17 PM
I've convinced my kids that they can hypnotize me to fall asleep when I'm chasing them and it's their new favorite game. I'll literally lay down for a 10-minute nap in the hallway and they won't bug me because it "breaks their spell." It's my greatest win as a parent thus far.
Reposted by Henpecked Hal
“Not one word, Barbara.”
November 15, 2025 at 6:37 PM
“Not one word, Barbara.”
My son asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.
November 15, 2025 at 8:41 PM
My son asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.
Welcome to your 40s. The DJ at this grocery store is spinning nothing but hits.
November 14, 2025 at 11:43 PM
Welcome to your 40s. The DJ at this grocery store is spinning nothing but hits.
operator: toddler 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
toddler: I'M OUT OF MILK!
operator: your cup is empty or there's no milk in the house?
toddler: MY CUP!
operator: where are your parents?
toddler: POURING ME MORE!
operator: ok, I need you to throw yourself on the ground & cry
toddler: I'M OUT OF MILK!
operator: your cup is empty or there's no milk in the house?
toddler: MY CUP!
operator: where are your parents?
toddler: POURING ME MORE!
operator: ok, I need you to throw yourself on the ground & cry
November 14, 2025 at 10:21 PM
operator: toddler 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
toddler: I'M OUT OF MILK!
operator: your cup is empty or there's no milk in the house?
toddler: MY CUP!
operator: where are your parents?
toddler: POURING ME MORE!
operator: ok, I need you to throw yourself on the ground & cry
toddler: I'M OUT OF MILK!
operator: your cup is empty or there's no milk in the house?
toddler: MY CUP!
operator: where are your parents?
toddler: POURING ME MORE!
operator: ok, I need you to throw yourself on the ground & cry
Reasons my kids couldn't get in bed this week:
- teeth still wet from brushing
- curious about the ingredients in dinner
- bed too hot, pillow too cold
- just need to check something real quick
- not feeling the water cup I chose
- might have to peepee after all
How about yours?
- teeth still wet from brushing
- curious about the ingredients in dinner
- bed too hot, pillow too cold
- just need to check something real quick
- not feeling the water cup I chose
- might have to peepee after all
How about yours?
November 14, 2025 at 8:40 PM
Reasons my kids couldn't get in bed this week:
- teeth still wet from brushing
- curious about the ingredients in dinner
- bed too hot, pillow too cold
- just need to check something real quick
- not feeling the water cup I chose
- might have to peepee after all
How about yours?
- teeth still wet from brushing
- curious about the ingredients in dinner
- bed too hot, pillow too cold
- just need to check something real quick
- not feeling the water cup I chose
- might have to peepee after all
How about yours?
daughter: hurry, dad! I can’t hold it!
me: excuse me, do you have a restroom?
cashier: no
me: do you have a mop?
cashier: restroom’s the second door on your right
me: excuse me, do you have a restroom?
cashier: no
me: do you have a mop?
cashier: restroom’s the second door on your right
November 13, 2025 at 11:45 PM
daughter: hurry, dad! I can’t hold it!
me: excuse me, do you have a restroom?
cashier: no
me: do you have a mop?
cashier: restroom’s the second door on your right
me: excuse me, do you have a restroom?
cashier: no
me: do you have a mop?
cashier: restroom’s the second door on your right
Welcome to your 40's. One of your neighbors has a tree you can't stand and you fantasize about something bad happening to it.
November 13, 2025 at 7:22 PM
Welcome to your 40's. One of your neighbors has a tree you can't stand and you fantasize about something bad happening to it.
My wife's taking our son on his first playdate with a kid from kindergarten this weekend. I told my daughter that we would have our own fun day together & could do whatever she wants--go to the park, zoo, ride bikes. She wants to play hide & seek. That's it. For several hours.
November 13, 2025 at 5:39 PM
My wife's taking our son on his first playdate with a kid from kindergarten this weekend. I told my daughter that we would have our own fun day together & could do whatever she wants--go to the park, zoo, ride bikes. She wants to play hide & seek. That's it. For several hours.
You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...
November 12, 2025 at 10:04 PM
You can say "please" and "thank you" a million times and your toddler will never repeat it, but if you say "ass-faced mother fucker" ONCE...
For much of history, stories were passed down from generation to generation through oral tradition. Even massive tomes like The Odyssey were memorized and recited word for word. I just had to reread the heating instructions for the frozen corn dogs we’ve been buying for years.
November 12, 2025 at 5:40 PM
For much of history, stories were passed down from generation to generation through oral tradition. Even massive tomes like The Odyssey were memorized and recited word for word. I just had to reread the heating instructions for the frozen corn dogs we’ve been buying for years.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
November 11, 2025 at 10:07 PM
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
At the deli my son asked if I’d get Black Forest ham for his school lunch & I said yes. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?” he asked. “Sure,” I said. When he saw the little pouch he asked what it was. “The ham,” I said. His smile faded. He thought I was sending him to school with an entire ham.
November 11, 2025 at 7:34 PM
At the deli my son asked if I’d get Black Forest ham for his school lunch & I said yes. “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?” he asked. “Sure,” I said. When he saw the little pouch he asked what it was. “The ham,” I said. His smile faded. He thought I was sending him to school with an entire ham.
My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.
November 11, 2025 at 5:32 PM
My son just told me that he LOVES the new toy trucks they got at daycare. They are his toy trucks. We donated them because he refused to play with them.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
November 10, 2025 at 8:59 PM
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
My 4 year old said he was carsick so I dumped the groceries from a plastic bag & passed it back to him with instructions to "throw up inside it." I heard him throw up & looked back to see that he'd put the bag on over his head like a helmet, so the puke fell right out the bottom.
November 10, 2025 at 7:08 PM
My 4 year old said he was carsick so I dumped the groceries from a plastic bag & passed it back to him with instructions to "throw up inside it." I heard him throw up & looked back to see that he'd put the bag on over his head like a helmet, so the puke fell right out the bottom.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
November 9, 2025 at 8:10 PM
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
me: no, there's no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Did we have a good time at our friends' house last night? Let's put it this way--we were over there until 9:45 pm. So yeah, you could say we had a good time.
November 9, 2025 at 5:03 PM
Did we have a good time at our friends' house last night? Let's put it this way--we were over there until 9:45 pm. So yeah, you could say we had a good time.
My son asked if I could pack the same snack in his lunch again and I said, "Oh, wow! So you liked it???" He replied, "No, I hated it, that's why I want it again." It was quiet in the car for a second, then he added, "I'm working on my scarcasm."
November 7, 2025 at 9:47 PM
My son asked if I could pack the same snack in his lunch again and I said, "Oh, wow! So you liked it???" He replied, "No, I hated it, that's why I want it again." It was quiet in the car for a second, then he added, "I'm working on my scarcasm."
Coolest move I ever saw at a bar: guy tapped the shoulder of the man sitting next to me & gave him the old “I think you’re in my seat.” “I don’t see your name on it,” he replied. “Look again,” the guy said. Sure enough, the staff had engraved the names of regulars on their chairs.
November 7, 2025 at 5:54 PM
Coolest move I ever saw at a bar: guy tapped the shoulder of the man sitting next to me & gave him the old “I think you’re in my seat.” “I don’t see your name on it,” he replied. “Look again,” the guy said. Sure enough, the staff had engraved the names of regulars on their chairs.