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A four-year coma sounds nice.
November 29, 2024 at 1:40 PM
A four-year coma sounds nice.
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my employers are introducing random drug testing, fingers crossed i get to try some of the good ones
January 23, 2025 at 4:06 PM
my employers are introducing random drug testing, fingers crossed i get to try some of the good ones
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My daughter lost her first tooth and put it under her pillow. I replaced it with an even bigger tooth. She wants to play tooth games? Let's dance.
January 23, 2025 at 3:12 PM
My daughter lost her first tooth and put it under her pillow. I replaced it with an even bigger tooth. She wants to play tooth games? Let's dance.
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My dog is one half Pit Bull and one half whatever I have to tell my landlord to keep it
December 16, 2024 at 9:21 PM
My dog is one half Pit Bull and one half whatever I have to tell my landlord to keep it
Broke a hip sliding into dm’s.
January 22, 2025 at 6:20 PM
Broke a hip sliding into dm’s.
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Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.
January 22, 2025 at 5:12 PM
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.
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ME: *walking with my girlfriend* One thing you don't know about me is my friends call me 'The Postman'
HER: *all cute* Is that because you always deliver?
ME: *suddenly being attacked by a dog* It is not
HER: *all cute* Is that because you always deliver?
ME: *suddenly being attacked by a dog* It is not
January 22, 2025 at 5:04 PM
ME: *walking with my girlfriend* One thing you don't know about me is my friends call me 'The Postman'
HER: *all cute* Is that because you always deliver?
ME: *suddenly being attacked by a dog* It is not
HER: *all cute* Is that because you always deliver?
ME: *suddenly being attacked by a dog* It is not
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You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need one to go skydiving twice.
January 22, 2025 at 7:00 AM
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need one to go skydiving twice.
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going to the grocery store later, does anyone need a grocery
January 22, 2025 at 2:08 PM
going to the grocery store later, does anyone need a grocery
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I've saved up enough to retire to a small island
January 22, 2025 at 1:59 PM
I've saved up enough to retire to a small island
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The older you get, the more likely you’ll find yourself needing to use a crutch for support from time to time.
My crutch of choice is bourbon on the rocks.
My crutch of choice is bourbon on the rocks.
January 22, 2025 at 2:42 PM
The older you get, the more likely you’ll find yourself needing to use a crutch for support from time to time.
My crutch of choice is bourbon on the rocks.
My crutch of choice is bourbon on the rocks.
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theseus sits on his ship with a thesaurus trying to avoid plagiarism
January 22, 2025 at 4:34 PM
theseus sits on his ship with a thesaurus trying to avoid plagiarism
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Permission to express myself through dance, your honor
January 22, 2025 at 4:27 PM
Permission to express myself through dance, your honor
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a website called onlynans where they bake cookies topless
January 22, 2025 at 2:15 AM
a website called onlynans where they bake cookies topless
If the Bears didn’t have a defense, they’d have no fense at all.
January 5, 2025 at 7:58 PM
If the Bears didn’t have a defense, they’d have no fense at all.
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*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
August 2, 2023 at 8:24 PM
*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
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inside of me are two sheep, oops nope they were wolves, fooled again
January 4, 2025 at 4:02 AM
inside of me are two sheep, oops nope they were wolves, fooled again
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darth vader driving in a convertible: *harmonica noises*
December 28, 2024 at 7:31 PM
darth vader driving in a convertible: *harmonica noises*
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a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
December 15, 2024 at 8:02 PM
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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My New Year’s resolution is to learn from my past so I can make newer and even more catastrophically unique mistakes in 2025 🥰
December 31, 2024 at 10:08 PM
My New Year’s resolution is to learn from my past so I can make newer and even more catastrophically unique mistakes in 2025 🥰
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*looking over the plan for the orgy*
Ah yes, I see there’s a lot of kinks to work out
Ah yes, I see there’s a lot of kinks to work out
December 31, 2024 at 11:16 PM
*looking over the plan for the orgy*
Ah yes, I see there’s a lot of kinks to work out
Ah yes, I see there’s a lot of kinks to work out