Reposted by human aaron
instead of a funeral, donate my body to a hydraulic press YouTube channel
November 7, 2025 at 2:13 AM
instead of a funeral, donate my body to a hydraulic press YouTube channel
Day 164 of posting until I drink champagne out of Laura Leezys high heel
November 4, 2025 at 1:03 AM
Day 164 of posting until I drink champagne out of Laura Leezys high heel
Reposted by human aaron
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
November 4, 2024 at 6:39 PM
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* you’re late for steph’s recital
Reposted by human aaron
You could tell me it was any time right now and I’d believe it, I have absolutely no idea
November 3, 2025 at 10:07 PM
You could tell me it was any time right now and I’d believe it, I have absolutely no idea
Reposted by human aaron
ME: wow it gets dark so early now
MY UBER PASSENGER: please open your eyes
MY UBER PASSENGER: please open your eyes
November 4, 2025 at 12:15 AM
ME: wow it gets dark so early now
MY UBER PASSENGER: please open your eyes
MY UBER PASSENGER: please open your eyes
Reposted by human aaron
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
June 3, 2023 at 2:55 AM
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Reposted by human aaron
one christmas when i was a kid my parents got me a slinky for our stairless house and in case you couldn’t tell by the first part of this post we didn’t exactly have a lot of books lying around either
October 28, 2025 at 11:33 PM
one christmas when i was a kid my parents got me a slinky for our stairless house and in case you couldn’t tell by the first part of this post we didn’t exactly have a lot of books lying around either
Reposted by human aaron
so this month i’m supposed to buy a pumpkin, then next month a turkey, and december a tree? can anyone explain what the fuck is going on?
October 29, 2025 at 1:47 AM
so this month i’m supposed to buy a pumpkin, then next month a turkey, and december a tree? can anyone explain what the fuck is going on?
Reposted by human aaron
NEIGHBOR: my child is doing math well above his grade level
ME [watching my kid try to ride a potato]: mine likes veggies
ME [watching my kid try to ride a potato]: mine likes veggies
October 21, 2025 at 12:35 AM
NEIGHBOR: my child is doing math well above his grade level
ME [watching my kid try to ride a potato]: mine likes veggies
ME [watching my kid try to ride a potato]: mine likes veggies
Reposted by human aaron
mf has okied his last dokie
October 19, 2025 at 2:41 AM
mf has okied his last dokie
Reposted by human aaron
performance and dancing drugs
October 11, 2025 at 1:13 AM
performance and dancing drugs
Reposted by human aaron
they should also do a nobel dipshit prize
October 11, 2025 at 12:51 AM
they should also do a nobel dipshit prize
Reposted by human aaron
You don’t have to worry about stuff. Just be zen and let the beautiful waves smash you into the rocks
October 8, 2025 at 11:55 PM
You don’t have to worry about stuff. Just be zen and let the beautiful waves smash you into the rocks
Reposted by human aaron
c'mon son, you've been in there for 45 minutes. there are other people in this house who need to use the shower to hide from a nightmarish reality I can no longer accept
October 9, 2025 at 1:46 AM
c'mon son, you've been in there for 45 minutes. there are other people in this house who need to use the shower to hide from a nightmarish reality I can no longer accept
Reposted by human aaron
tired: aura farming
Wired: aura hunter-gatherers
Wired: aura hunter-gatherers
September 29, 2025 at 3:37 AM
tired: aura farming
Wired: aura hunter-gatherers
Wired: aura hunter-gatherers
Reposted by human aaron
what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.
September 8, 2025 at 9:21 PM
what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.
Reposted by human aaron
ordered a guitar on temu and got a fewer paul
September 9, 2025 at 12:35 AM
ordered a guitar on temu and got a fewer paul
Reposted by human aaron
filling my trunk full of nickles and running a bootleg atm behind the bowling alley
September 9, 2025 at 12:40 AM
filling my trunk full of nickles and running a bootleg atm behind the bowling alley
Reposted by human aaron
imagining michael caine on a caribbean island sipping a piña colada while reading this script and then slowly sitting up, removing his glasses to wipe a tear, and calling his agent, “i’m coming back”
September 9, 2025 at 12:41 AM
imagining michael caine on a caribbean island sipping a piña colada while reading this script and then slowly sitting up, removing his glasses to wipe a tear, and calling his agent, “i’m coming back”
Reposted by human aaron
when pokemon go came out the entire world found joy in the same thing and i think only one other event could replicate that
September 1, 2025 at 3:43 AM
when pokemon go came out the entire world found joy in the same thing and i think only one other event could replicate that
Reposted by human aaron
in england, a cock block is called a blimey stymie. no it's not, i'm sorry, i don't know why i said that
August 11, 2025 at 8:39 PM
in england, a cock block is called a blimey stymie. no it's not, i'm sorry, i don't know why i said that
Reposted by human aaron
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
August 26, 2023 at 3:26 PM
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Reposted by human aaron
I keep secrets by forgetting what you told me almost immediately
July 28, 2025 at 2:31 PM
I keep secrets by forgetting what you told me almost immediately
Reposted by human aaron
What if animals had regional accents too. Like a little southern kitty going "meowyall"
July 9, 2025 at 8:32 PM
What if animals had regional accents too. Like a little southern kitty going "meowyall"