Tim
@timmiddle.bsky.social
Reposted by Tim
[playing poker]
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
December 17, 2024 at 11:08 PM
[playing poker]
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
FRIEND: I’m all in
ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too
FRIEND: um, a pair of kings
ME: you bet we are
Reposted by Tim
*captain of the Titanic right before it hits the iceberg* kobe
December 17, 2024 at 9:27 PM
*captain of the Titanic right before it hits the iceberg* kobe
Reposted by Tim
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
December 10, 2024 at 10:07 PM
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
Reposted by Tim
wife packed soup again for lunch at my sitting on a steel beam above New York job. spilled everywhere
January 22, 2024 at 3:26 AM
wife packed soup again for lunch at my sitting on a steel beam above New York job. spilled everywhere
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MY BULLY (age 11): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad’s an amazing cyclist.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad’s an amazing cyclist.
December 1, 2024 at 3:28 PM
MY BULLY (age 11): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad’s an amazing cyclist.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad’s an amazing cyclist.
Reposted by Tim
Tossing out the bath water but you know I keep that baby on me
November 27, 2024 at 4:13 AM
Tossing out the bath water but you know I keep that baby on me
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Me: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
*opens high school yearbook*
*opens high school yearbook*
November 27, 2024 at 12:09 PM
Me: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
*opens high school yearbook*
*opens high school yearbook*
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time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
April 28, 2023 at 2:11 PM
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Reposted by Tim
me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses
October 21, 2024 at 6:27 PM
me *driving past the apocalypse*: Horses
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[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
July 3, 2023 at 4:13 PM
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Reposted by Tim
[handing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] so I was thinking something like this
November 24, 2024 at 10:35 PM
[handing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] so I was thinking something like this
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*Finding out I wasn’t nominated for Most Vulgar or Best Swear of the Year*
Me: ah crumbs
Me: ah crumbs
November 22, 2024 at 7:10 AM
*Finding out I wasn’t nominated for Most Vulgar or Best Swear of the Year*
Me: ah crumbs
Me: ah crumbs
Reposted by Tim
"Ai is coming for your jobs". I'd like to see ai take a southwest flight with 3 layovers to open for hoobastank at a county fair
August 13, 2024 at 11:05 PM
"Ai is coming for your jobs". I'd like to see ai take a southwest flight with 3 layovers to open for hoobastank at a county fair
Reposted by Tim
ball is in the other guy’s court rn. i fucking love this part
November 15, 2024 at 1:46 AM
ball is in the other guy’s court rn. i fucking love this part
Reposted by Tim
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
November 22, 2024 at 11:37 PM
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Reposted by Tim
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us "You will never leave this island."
November 20, 2024 at 1:34 PM
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us "You will never leave this island."
Reposted by Tim
When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang
November 21, 2024 at 2:44 AM
When I was 8, my best friend stole my boomerang and we got into a big fight. The next day his parents died in a car accident and I never saw him again. Jeff, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang
Reposted by Tim
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
November 19, 2024 at 5:09 PM
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Reposted by Tim
You gotta love a squirrel just running around the zoo. The Bonus Animal
November 7, 2024 at 7:42 PM
You gotta love a squirrel just running around the zoo. The Bonus Animal
Reposted by Tim
Magic trick where a pregnant lady picks a card and when she delivers the baby several months later it comes out holding it
November 15, 2024 at 4:08 AM
Magic trick where a pregnant lady picks a card and when she delivers the baby several months later it comes out holding it
Reposted by Tim
Repeatedly asking the taxi driver if he needs any help driving the taxi. "I could do the pedals?" He keeps telling me to get out but I won't
November 19, 2024 at 11:24 AM
Repeatedly asking the taxi driver if he needs any help driving the taxi. "I could do the pedals?" He keeps telling me to get out but I won't
Reposted by Tim
John Lennon: he wear no shoeshine, he got...toe-jam football, he got...monkey finger, he shoot...Coca-Cola
Police Sketch Artist: what
Police Sketch Artist: what
November 11, 2024 at 7:09 PM
John Lennon: he wear no shoeshine, he got...toe-jam football, he got...monkey finger, he shoot...Coca-Cola
Police Sketch Artist: what
Police Sketch Artist: what