Mason King
@masonwking.bsky.social
Reposted by Mason King
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
November 21, 2024 at 9:32 PM
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Reposted by Mason King
[soccer game]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: u see the kid out there scoring all the goals? mine’s the one next to him pretending he’s a zombie
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: u see the kid out there scoring all the goals? mine’s the one next to him pretending he’s a zombie
September 6, 2025 at 2:59 PM
[soccer game]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: u see the kid out there scoring all the goals? mine’s the one next to him pretending he’s a zombie
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: u see the kid out there scoring all the goals? mine’s the one next to him pretending he’s a zombie
Reposted by Mason King
they’re called triscuits because you can only eat 3 before you realize they’re bullshit
May 3, 2025 at 4:13 PM
they’re called triscuits because you can only eat 3 before you realize they’re bullshit
Reposted by Mason King
I hope my iPad is doing a good job raising my kid today.
April 29, 2025 at 2:06 PM
I hope my iPad is doing a good job raising my kid today.
Reposted by Mason King
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Wait in the truck
April 22, 2025 at 7:16 PM
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Wait in the truck
Reposted by Mason King
[first day as a financial advisor]
have you considered embezzlement?
have you considered embezzlement?
April 16, 2025 at 7:41 PM
[first day as a financial advisor]
have you considered embezzlement?
have you considered embezzlement?
Reposted by Mason King
Sorry I forgot your name but in my defense I wasn’t listening when you told me your name
April 15, 2025 at 7:50 PM
Sorry I forgot your name but in my defense I wasn’t listening when you told me your name
Reposted by Mason King
As an optimist, I tend to believe that my most spectacular failures are still ahead of me.
January 17, 2025 at 3:14 AM
As an optimist, I tend to believe that my most spectacular failures are still ahead of me.
Reposted by Mason King
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
December 18, 2024 at 10:21 AM
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Reposted by Mason King
one thanksgiving before dinner when we all closed our eyes to pray i poured my mom's wine into my little brother's pepsi and he failed 3rd grade that year
November 28, 2024 at 7:06 PM
one thanksgiving before dinner when we all closed our eyes to pray i poured my mom's wine into my little brother's pepsi and he failed 3rd grade that year
Reposted by Mason King
wow my neighbor is really proud of his dog, he’s put posters up everywhere asking if we’ve seen it. yes, I’ve seen your fucken cockapoo craig, she’s gorgeous
December 3, 2024 at 12:44 AM
wow my neighbor is really proud of his dog, he’s put posters up everywhere asking if we’ve seen it. yes, I’ve seen your fucken cockapoo craig, she’s gorgeous
Reposted by Mason King
My retirement plan is the “need a penny take a penny” tray
November 20, 2024 at 2:38 AM
My retirement plan is the “need a penny take a penny” tray
Reposted by Mason King
My superpower is to toss the garden hose down and have it land on its handle and spray directly back at me.
August 3, 2023 at 6:47 AM
My superpower is to toss the garden hose down and have it land on its handle and spray directly back at me.
Reposted by Mason King
Generally I find myself either too old for this shit, too tired for this shit, too sober for this shit or just plain not in the mood for this shit.
October 25, 2023 at 3:25 PM
Generally I find myself either too old for this shit, too tired for this shit, too sober for this shit or just plain not in the mood for this shit.
Reposted by Mason King
the flip side of no one studying humanities anymore is i regularly quote philosophers and literary giants and people think i just came up with those ideas on my own
October 22, 2024 at 8:30 PM
the flip side of no one studying humanities anymore is i regularly quote philosophers and literary giants and people think i just came up with those ideas on my own
Reposted by Mason King
daughter: daddy, who’s your favorite child?
me: I don’t have a favorite. you all need to try a little harder
me: I don’t have a favorite. you all need to try a little harder
August 6, 2023 at 3:50 PM
daughter: daddy, who’s your favorite child?
me: I don’t have a favorite. you all need to try a little harder
me: I don’t have a favorite. you all need to try a little harder
Reposted by Mason King
[one minute after being buried in coffin]
me: well this is actually kind of relax-
[loud bass coming from the coffin next door]
me: well this is actually kind of relax-
[loud bass coming from the coffin next door]
October 9, 2023 at 6:50 PM
[one minute after being buried in coffin]
me: well this is actually kind of relax-
[loud bass coming from the coffin next door]
me: well this is actually kind of relax-
[loud bass coming from the coffin next door]
Reposted by Mason King
the bird-namers were really sick of this bird's shit
September 4, 2024 at 6:07 PM
the bird-namers were really sick of this bird's shit
Reposted by Mason King
Kid: Daaaad, Mom says you only had me so you could take my kidneys when I'm older!
Me: She was just joking with you, sweetie.
Kid: Really?
Me: Yeah. *finishes another beer* It's your liver we'll need.
Me: She was just joking with you, sweetie.
Kid: Really?
Me: Yeah. *finishes another beer* It's your liver we'll need.
July 11, 2024 at 2:56 PM
Kid: Daaaad, Mom says you only had me so you could take my kidneys when I'm older!
Me: She was just joking with you, sweetie.
Kid: Really?
Me: Yeah. *finishes another beer* It's your liver we'll need.
Me: She was just joking with you, sweetie.
Kid: Really?
Me: Yeah. *finishes another beer* It's your liver we'll need.
Reposted by Mason King
Big day! Just found out that the HR department named a rule after me.
June 18, 2024 at 3:05 PM
Big day! Just found out that the HR department named a rule after me.
Reposted by Mason King
I’ll do anything to make you happy providing it doesn’t inconvenience me in any way.
March 19, 2024 at 4:09 PM
I’ll do anything to make you happy providing it doesn’t inconvenience me in any way.
Reposted by Mason King
Not to brag but I wrote the theme song to 60 Minutes
March 11, 2024 at 12:01 AM
Not to brag but I wrote the theme song to 60 Minutes