Pied Pauper
@alandwilbur.bsky.social
Recovering lawyer and data guy; wilderness survival; hunting; fishing; comedy; Deism; Stoicism.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
March 7, 2025 at 1:06 PM
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
Wearing crocs to Walmart is like wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see.
February 12, 2025 at 2:27 PM
Wearing crocs to Walmart is like wearing the shirt of the band you’re going to see.
Amazon X-Ray, but for names of your girlfriend's pickleball friends.
February 10, 2025 at 2:39 PM
Amazon X-Ray, but for names of your girlfriend's pickleball friends.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
[kidnapper pulls my hood off]
Me: [sobbing] where have you taken me and what are your intentions?
Johnny Cash: Reno and… *cocks pistol* I won a Grammy for this next part
Me: [sobbing] where have you taken me and what are your intentions?
Johnny Cash: Reno and… *cocks pistol* I won a Grammy for this next part
February 7, 2025 at 1:46 PM
[kidnapper pulls my hood off]
Me: [sobbing] where have you taken me and what are your intentions?
Johnny Cash: Reno and… *cocks pistol* I won a Grammy for this next part
Me: [sobbing] where have you taken me and what are your intentions?
Johnny Cash: Reno and… *cocks pistol* I won a Grammy for this next part
Reposted by Pied Pauper
WAITER: may i take your order
LIAM NEESON: may you WHAT
LIAM NEESON: may you WHAT
January 26, 2025 at 5:29 AM
WAITER: may i take your order
LIAM NEESON: may you WHAT
LIAM NEESON: may you WHAT
Reposted by Pied Pauper
Don’t thank me in advance you have no idea what I’m capable of forgetting to do
January 17, 2025 at 11:50 AM
Don’t thank me in advance you have no idea what I’m capable of forgetting to do
Reposted by Pied Pauper
I’m sick of living through Wikipedia entries.
January 11, 2025 at 5:03 AM
I’m sick of living through Wikipedia entries.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
not saying I'm undesirable but the hotel california just let me leave
January 6, 2025 at 11:37 PM
not saying I'm undesirable but the hotel california just let me leave
Reposted by Pied Pauper
I just flew in from Chernobyl and boy are my arms legs
January 7, 2025 at 1:42 AM
I just flew in from Chernobyl and boy are my arms legs
Reposted by Pied Pauper
[crime scene]
partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints
me: *whispering* jesus
partner: oh shit, jesus
partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints
me: *whispering* jesus
partner: oh shit, jesus
July 9, 2023 at 3:13 PM
[crime scene]
partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints
me: *whispering* jesus
partner: oh shit, jesus
partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints
me: *whispering* jesus
partner: oh shit, jesus
Reposted by Pied Pauper
[watching a pug struggle to breathe] how did we fuck up wolves this badly
January 3, 2025 at 6:06 PM
[watching a pug struggle to breathe] how did we fuck up wolves this badly
I’ll see your Festivus and the airing of the grievances and raise you one New Years and the calling of the bullshit.
January 1, 2025 at 1:27 AM
I’ll see your Festivus and the airing of the grievances and raise you one New Years and the calling of the bullshit.
I’ll put in the effort to write an autobiography if they’ll guarantee Jay Leno narrates the audiobook.
December 31, 2024 at 3:59 PM
I’ll put in the effort to write an autobiography if they’ll guarantee Jay Leno narrates the audiobook.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
female mantis: pray, love, eat
December 22, 2024 at 4:25 PM
female mantis: pray, love, eat
Reposted by Pied Pauper
I've just invented the music genre "bagpipe jazz" and you're all going to find out what it sounds like unless my demands are met
December 20, 2024 at 10:29 PM
I've just invented the music genre "bagpipe jazz" and you're all going to find out what it sounds like unless my demands are met
Reposted by Pied Pauper
I run a parody bank account.
December 20, 2024 at 5:45 PM
I run a parody bank account.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
My wife and I argue using baby voices so we don’t scare the dogs
December 18, 2024 at 11:10 PM
My wife and I argue using baby voices so we don’t scare the dogs
Reposted by Pied Pauper
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion
December 2, 2024 at 12:45 AM
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion
Reposted by Pied Pauper
[shows up to my rap battle and my opponent is Dr Seuss]
“fuck”
“fuck”
December 18, 2024 at 4:16 AM
[shows up to my rap battle and my opponent is Dr Seuss]
“fuck”
“fuck”
Reposted by Pied Pauper
I disconnect the smoke alarm when I cook. Who needs that kind of negativity
December 18, 2024 at 1:24 PM
I disconnect the smoke alarm when I cook. Who needs that kind of negativity
Reposted by Pied Pauper
I’m tired of waiting. *cocks gun* let’s find Godot.
December 14, 2024 at 9:05 PM
I’m tired of waiting. *cocks gun* let’s find Godot.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
One thing you can do if you wake up in an ice bath short one kidney is develop a special set of skills and comb the earth to get it back, then take 3/4 of the evildoers liver and force feed them vodka.
That’s just one thing you could do.
That’s just one thing you could do.
December 16, 2024 at 2:56 AM
One thing you can do if you wake up in an ice bath short one kidney is develop a special set of skills and comb the earth to get it back, then take 3/4 of the evildoers liver and force feed them vodka.
That’s just one thing you could do.
That’s just one thing you could do.
Reposted by Pied Pauper
You can lead a horse to water, but it will not be super impressed. Horses know about water
December 14, 2024 at 4:33 AM
You can lead a horse to water, but it will not be super impressed. Horses know about water
Reposted by Pied Pauper
driver’s license pics should be scratch n sniff
December 12, 2024 at 10:15 PM
driver’s license pics should be scratch n sniff