@saramrubin.bsky.social
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My moon conspiracy theory is that every astronaut who sees the Earth from space immediately says “That’s a spicy meatball!” and NASA is covering it up.
November 24, 2025 at 12:39 AM
My moon conspiracy theory is that every astronaut who sees the Earth from space immediately says “That’s a spicy meatball!” and NASA is covering it up.
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Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow
November 18, 2025 at 3:48 PM
Mechanic [sliding out from under Optimus Prime]: I think I see what the issue is. This truck is also a big guy somehow
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Swiss Army Knife
French Navy Fork
Italian Air Force Spoon
French Navy Fork
Italian Air Force Spoon
November 18, 2025 at 5:58 AM
Swiss Army Knife
French Navy Fork
Italian Air Force Spoon
French Navy Fork
Italian Air Force Spoon
Olivia Nuzzi won’t see your jokes, but your friends who have affairs with 70 year old presidential candidates who eat road kill will
November 14, 2025 at 6:28 PM
Olivia Nuzzi won’t see your jokes, but your friends who have affairs with 70 year old presidential candidates who eat road kill will
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Many "American Psychos" can trace their ancestry to immigrants who came through Bret Easton Ellis Island.
November 14, 2025 at 5:06 AM
Many "American Psychos" can trace their ancestry to immigrants who came through Bret Easton Ellis Island.
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Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
November 12, 2025 at 11:35 PM
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue.
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6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
November 9, 2025 at 10:24 PM
6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
Aunt Alice: the food in this nursing home is so bad I’ve gained 7 pounds. There’s so much kale!
Me: how did you gain weight eating kale?
Aunt Alice: because I’m forced to order pizza when that’s what they’re serving
Me: how did you gain weight eating kale?
Aunt Alice: because I’m forced to order pizza when that’s what they’re serving
October 30, 2025 at 1:43 PM
Aunt Alice: the food in this nursing home is so bad I’ve gained 7 pounds. There’s so much kale!
Me: how did you gain weight eating kale?
Aunt Alice: because I’m forced to order pizza when that’s what they’re serving
Me: how did you gain weight eating kale?
Aunt Alice: because I’m forced to order pizza when that’s what they’re serving
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i don't understand why they're called the toronto blue jays and not the toronto baseballs. i'll never understand it. same with the dodgers, they should be called the baseballs too. more people should be like me and speak out when they see that something is wrong
October 29, 2025 at 2:45 AM
i don't understand why they're called the toronto blue jays and not the toronto baseballs. i'll never understand it. same with the dodgers, they should be called the baseballs too. more people should be like me and speak out when they see that something is wrong
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I’m going to get a lot done today or fall asleep trying.
October 25, 2025 at 3:45 PM
I’m going to get a lot done today or fall asleep trying.
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I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnng john silver's gift card
October 26, 2025 at 1:18 AM
I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnng john silver's gift card
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When a chair hits your eye flung by some burly guy, you’re on Maury.
August 8, 2025 at 7:32 AM
When a chair hits your eye flung by some burly guy, you’re on Maury.
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Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.
October 5, 2025 at 4:01 AM
Turns out they don't make guacamole at your table here. No one knows who that guy was.
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*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
November 7, 2024 at 10:11 PM
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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sheet music is like the exact opposite of an audio book
October 1, 2025 at 1:50 AM
sheet music is like the exact opposite of an audio book
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My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.
September 22, 2025 at 12:50 PM
My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.
Just bringing this back to the timeline because it went away far too soon.
September 13, 2025 at 1:42 PM
Just bringing this back to the timeline because it went away far too soon.
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DAD: son, don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do
KID: okay
DAD: *slams table* what did i just say
KID: okay
DAD: *slams table* what did i just say
September 11, 2025 at 7:47 PM
DAD: son, don’t let anyone tell you what you can or can’t do
KID: okay
DAD: *slams table* what did i just say
KID: okay
DAD: *slams table* what did i just say
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Me: *killing time at the mall* Hey man, anything in here going cheap?
Bird store owner: *cocking shotgun* Get out.
Bird store owner: *cocking shotgun* Get out.
September 8, 2025 at 10:55 AM
Me: *killing time at the mall* Hey man, anything in here going cheap?
Bird store owner: *cocking shotgun* Get out.
Bird store owner: *cocking shotgun* Get out.
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Yeah, I'm a fan of A24. A24-year-old movie called Little Nicky.
September 2, 2025 at 7:55 PM
Yeah, I'm a fan of A24. A24-year-old movie called Little Nicky.
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when there's a little pepper growing inside a regular pepper i call it an ectopic pepperancy. everybody hates it when i do that.
August 23, 2025 at 9:43 PM
when there's a little pepper growing inside a regular pepper i call it an ectopic pepperancy. everybody hates it when i do that.
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WIFE: [holding our new baby] Aww look at him. He has your eyes.
ME: Only one of those things is possible right now, Sharon.
ME: Only one of those things is possible right now, Sharon.
August 21, 2025 at 7:21 PM
WIFE: [holding our new baby] Aww look at him. He has your eyes.
ME: Only one of those things is possible right now, Sharon.
ME: Only one of those things is possible right now, Sharon.
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
August 6, 2025 at 8:54 PM
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Who decided to call it Epstein Island and not the Pedoph-Isle?
August 4, 2025 at 2:30 AM
Who decided to call it Epstein Island and not the Pedoph-Isle?