☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
@captantagonist.bsky.social
This place is not a place of honor. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here. Nothing valued is here.
Or here: https://shorturl.at/HAomx
Newest: https://shorturl.at/WSYWt
Or here: https://shorturl.at/HAomx
Newest: https://shorturl.at/WSYWt
Pinned
I want to install a speaker system on my lighthouse so when it guides ships to shore it can start playing a siren song at the last minute.
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
you tellin me the situation room isn't where that jersey shore guy sleeps?
November 15, 2025 at 6:34 PM
you tellin me the situation room isn't where that jersey shore guy sleeps?
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
THEM: looks like the cat's out of the bag
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
November 15, 2025 at 9:40 PM
THEM: looks like the cat's out of the bag
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
SCHRÖDINGER: not so fast, bucko
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink because of all the men being taught how to fish
November 15, 2025 at 9:44 PM
you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink because of all the men being taught how to fish
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
went to the flash mob but didn't see a single boob 🥲
November 15, 2025 at 2:05 PM
went to the flash mob but didn't see a single boob 🥲
Well, well, well, if it isn't the person who is about to order their steak wrong.
November 15, 2025 at 3:17 AM
Well, well, well, if it isn't the person who is about to order their steak wrong.
Home is where the heart beats under the floorboards, and a corpse lies behind a brick wall in the attic. The ravens feed outside, a perfect murder.
November 15, 2025 at 2:10 AM
Home is where the heart beats under the floorboards, and a corpse lies behind a brick wall in the attic. The ravens feed outside, a perfect murder.
When I die, please don’t make an AI simulacrum of me, or else I’ll haunt every computer and become a real deus ex machina.
November 15, 2025 at 2:05 AM
When I die, please don’t make an AI simulacrum of me, or else I’ll haunt every computer and become a real deus ex machina.
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
Zero sugar, zero caffeine, zero joy, zero precipitation, zero humidity. Hold up, Kevin, that's not a beverage. You've picked up Death Valley in a can.
November 14, 2025 at 4:16 PM
Zero sugar, zero caffeine, zero joy, zero precipitation, zero humidity. Hold up, Kevin, that's not a beverage. You've picked up Death Valley in a can.
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
popeye: *devours entire can of spinach*
olive oyl, under her breath: never eats me like that..
olive oyl, under her breath: never eats me like that..
November 14, 2025 at 5:33 PM
popeye: *devours entire can of spinach*
olive oyl, under her breath: never eats me like that..
olive oyl, under her breath: never eats me like that..
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
[first date]
ME: hi how are you
DATE: i'm well
ME: *under breath* this could have been an email
ME: hi how are you
DATE: i'm well
ME: *under breath* this could have been an email
November 14, 2025 at 5:53 PM
[first date]
ME: hi how are you
DATE: i'm well
ME: *under breath* this could have been an email
ME: hi how are you
DATE: i'm well
ME: *under breath* this could have been an email
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
I used punctuation in a social media post and now I’m careening towards respectability
November 14, 2025 at 6:01 PM
I used punctuation in a social media post and now I’m careening towards respectability
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
please do not tell me when someone is calling my phone. that is between the other person and my phone and i am not invested in any of that business
November 14, 2025 at 8:37 PM
please do not tell me when someone is calling my phone. that is between the other person and my phone and i am not invested in any of that business
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
*22 mins into watching a porn video* "once you allow for delivery time there's just no way that pizza is still warm"
November 14, 2025 at 8:43 PM
*22 mins into watching a porn video* "once you allow for delivery time there's just no way that pizza is still warm"
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
This is unbelievable. I got suspended by bluesky just for quoting the lyrics of the Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand” and changing “hold your hand” to “stab you with a big knife”
November 15, 2025 at 12:09 AM
This is unbelievable. I got suspended by bluesky just for quoting the lyrics of the Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand” and changing “hold your hand” to “stab you with a big knife”
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
Maybe the next gay joke will be the one that saves democracy. Keep going.
November 15, 2025 at 12:56 AM
Maybe the next gay joke will be the one that saves democracy. Keep going.
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
[avengers mansion]
CAP: good morning Avengers let's begin
IRON MAN: wait spider-man is missing
OPEN MOUTH MAN: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
CAP: good morning Avengers let's begin
IRON MAN: wait spider-man is missing
OPEN MOUTH MAN: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
November 15, 2025 at 12:56 AM
[avengers mansion]
CAP: good morning Avengers let's begin
IRON MAN: wait spider-man is missing
OPEN MOUTH MAN: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
CAP: good morning Avengers let's begin
IRON MAN: wait spider-man is missing
OPEN MOUTH MAN: weird he was here when i went to sleep last nite
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
[Jesus hearing about the Jesus App] well kill me again
November 14, 2025 at 11:50 PM
[Jesus hearing about the Jesus App] well kill me again
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
Really, babies? You want an airplane flown into your mouth while eating dinner? It's like you don't even understand the current challenges being faced by the aviation industry. Grow up
November 14, 2025 at 10:24 PM
Really, babies? You want an airplane flown into your mouth while eating dinner? It's like you don't even understand the current challenges being faced by the aviation industry. Grow up
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
HIM: a martini with your lunch?
ME: it’s 5 o’clock somewhere
HIM: ok but we’re at work
ME: it’s 5 o’clock somewhere
HIM: ok but we’re at work
November 14, 2025 at 7:02 PM
HIM: a martini with your lunch?
ME: it’s 5 o’clock somewhere
HIM: ok but we’re at work
ME: it’s 5 o’clock somewhere
HIM: ok but we’re at work
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
It’s not just a baggage claim. It’s a baggage FACT.
November 4, 2025 at 5:15 PM
It’s not just a baggage claim. It’s a baggage FACT.
River Cuomo started singing in band practice one day after running a few miles, and the lyrics came out as wheezes. That's where the band name comes from.
November 14, 2025 at 7:44 PM
River Cuomo started singing in band practice one day after running a few miles, and the lyrics came out as wheezes. That's where the band name comes from.
Change a letter, make a Singer less appealing:
Finger, because the sewing machine took it off it a tragic textile based accident
Finger, because the sewing machine took it off it a tragic textile based accident
November 14, 2025 at 7:33 PM
Change a letter, make a Singer less appealing:
Finger, because the sewing machine took it off it a tragic textile based accident
Finger, because the sewing machine took it off it a tragic textile based accident
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
Are you there, Margaret? It's me, god. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?
November 14, 2025 at 4:34 AM
Are you there, Margaret? It's me, god. WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE?
Reposted by ☢️ Captain Antagonist ☢️
it is 2005. the world is on the brink of disaster. I am stoned on my couch playing lumines. it is 2009. the world is on the brink of disaster. I am stoned on my couch playing lumines. it is 2025. the world is on the brink of disaster. I am stoned on my couch playing lumines
November 14, 2025 at 4:45 AM
it is 2005. the world is on the brink of disaster. I am stoned on my couch playing lumines. it is 2009. the world is on the brink of disaster. I am stoned on my couch playing lumines. it is 2025. the world is on the brink of disaster. I am stoned on my couch playing lumines