Literally
@ummliterally.bsky.social
just another great ape
All my skeets - https://bsky.app/profile/ummliterally.bsky.social/search
Best skeets bc I'm vain: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nixduwqrwjgbdembbg3xqyzb/feed/aaafyhv3we6vy
All my skeets - https://bsky.app/profile/ummliterally.bsky.social/search
Best skeets bc I'm vain: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:nixduwqrwjgbdembbg3xqyzb/feed/aaafyhv3we6vy
Pinned
Literally
@ummliterally.bsky.social
· Mar 26
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Reposted by Literally
Thou shalt make a seven-layer dip, no more, no less. Seven shall be the number of the layers thou shalt dip, and the number of the dipping layers shall be seven. Eight thou shalt not dip, nether dip thou six. Nine is right out.
November 14, 2025 at 2:54 AM
Thou shalt make a seven-layer dip, no more, no less. Seven shall be the number of the layers thou shalt dip, and the number of the dipping layers shall be seven. Eight thou shalt not dip, nether dip thou six. Nine is right out.
Reposted by Literally
Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.
August 8, 2025 at 8:04 PM
Always wear black to therapy to prove you can't be helped.
Reposted by Literally
What base is it when your therapist tells you to stop calling him "Boss?"
November 13, 2025 at 5:43 PM
What base is it when your therapist tells you to stop calling him "Boss?"
I bet the creators of the Pony Express never thought people would ship their poop in a box to a lab one day.
November 13, 2025 at 11:29 PM
I bet the creators of the Pony Express never thought people would ship their poop in a box to a lab one day.
You know what else would have worked besides a tariff rebate check? Not having the fucking tariffs in the first place. Nimrods.
November 13, 2025 at 7:56 PM
You know what else would have worked besides a tariff rebate check? Not having the fucking tariffs in the first place. Nimrods.
Reposted by Literally
If you won $10 for second place in beauty contest.. you might be a redneck.
November 7, 2025 at 1:18 AM
If you won $10 for second place in beauty contest.. you might be a redneck.
Reposted by Literally
🎶 Trump and Epstein. Trump and Epstein. Go together like justice miscarriage. Ask your legislators to force release of all the papers. 🎶
November 13, 2025 at 4:02 AM
🎶 Trump and Epstein. Trump and Epstein. Go together like justice miscarriage. Ask your legislators to force release of all the papers. 🎶
Hey girl, are you Windows Updates? Because I'm 99% there.
November 13, 2025 at 6:16 PM
Hey girl, are you Windows Updates? Because I'm 99% there.
Reposted by Literally
Me: Alexa, fix me.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
May 26, 2025 at 7:55 PM
Me: Alexa, fix me.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
Alexa: I'm sorry, you are a desicated husk of something that once resembled a human being. You can only be fixed by renewing your Amazon Prime subscription. Would you like me to renew your subscription? Make a gurgling sound if you agree to our new terms and conditions.
Reposted by Literally
me, as a therapist: omg samesies
November 11, 2025 at 3:02 PM
me, as a therapist: omg samesies
Reposted by Literally
Calling it deforesting instead of casualtree was a bad choice
November 13, 2025 at 2:13 PM
Calling it deforesting instead of casualtree was a bad choice
Reposted by Literally
You can't satisfy me in bed,
you're not 7 pillows.
you're not 7 pillows.
October 29, 2025 at 1:36 AM
You can't satisfy me in bed,
you're not 7 pillows.
you're not 7 pillows.
Buckingham Palace is named after the wild bucking pigs of London.
November 13, 2025 at 2:21 PM
Buckingham Palace is named after the wild bucking pigs of London.
Reposted by Literally
Make Epstein Benghazi Again
July 30, 2025 at 2:00 PM
Make Epstein Benghazi Again
Reposted by Literally
Cats aren't afraid of the void
November 12, 2025 at 7:46 AM
Cats aren't afraid of the void
According to my calculations, the guys who wrote Smoke Two Joints were REALLY fucking high.
Two AM joints + two PM joints + two wartime joints + two peacetime joints + two joints before you smoke two joints + then you smoke two more = higher than a giraffe's pussy.
Two AM joints + two PM joints + two wartime joints + two peacetime joints + two joints before you smoke two joints + then you smoke two more = higher than a giraffe's pussy.
November 11, 2025 at 3:30 PM
According to my calculations, the guys who wrote Smoke Two Joints were REALLY fucking high.
Two AM joints + two PM joints + two wartime joints + two peacetime joints + two joints before you smoke two joints + then you smoke two more = higher than a giraffe's pussy.
Two AM joints + two PM joints + two wartime joints + two peacetime joints + two joints before you smoke two joints + then you smoke two more = higher than a giraffe's pussy.
Reposted by Literally
The taxi driver told me he'd prefer to live in Victorian times because "there was no crime" and I laughed and laughed and laughed
December 28, 2024 at 12:06 PM
The taxi driver told me he'd prefer to live in Victorian times because "there was no crime" and I laughed and laughed and laughed
Reposted by Literally
Every time someone corrects my vocabulary it just makes me think fewer of them.
October 2, 2024 at 6:57 PM
Every time someone corrects my vocabulary it just makes me think fewer of them.
Reposted by Literally
I can't tell self depricating jokes because when I do people don't believe I'm joking because they think it's true... Which is much worse 😭
October 15, 2025 at 2:55 PM
I can't tell self depricating jokes because when I do people don't believe I'm joking because they think it's true... Which is much worse 😭
Reposted by Literally
Please stop emailing me.
OK… but it might take 10 business days
OK… but it might take 10 business days
November 10, 2025 at 1:43 PM
Please stop emailing me.
OK… but it might take 10 business days
OK… but it might take 10 business days
Reposted by Literally
Let go of what you can’t control so your hands can hold more snacks.
November 10, 2025 at 1:50 PM
Let go of what you can’t control so your hands can hold more snacks.
Reposted by Literally
OK who the fuck let Walter Matthau in here oh wait never mind it’s my bathroom mirror good god
November 9, 2025 at 4:13 PM
OK who the fuck let Walter Matthau in here oh wait never mind it’s my bathroom mirror good god
Reposted by Literally
A retreat for people with ADHD called Short Attention Spa
November 9, 2025 at 6:38 PM
A retreat for people with ADHD called Short Attention Spa
Reposted by Literally
this jacket isn’t very straight at all
November 9, 2025 at 2:47 PM
this jacket isn’t very straight at all
Reposted by Literally
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
He pasta way
October 29, 2025 at 8:36 AM
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way
He pasta way