How many Happy Meals do I have to eat before I achieve true contentment because I’m willing to do whatever it takes

It was the best of times, it clearly wasn’t the now of times.

Kids nowadays talk back to their parents like they can respawn

Too many thoughts get lost in my car

knowing how to merge properly should give you a tax break

My load bearing brain cell is pregnant

I may not know much about sports, but at least I don't have fantasies about football

telling inside jokes outdoors
cuz that’ll show em

Just realized I am going to be the most annoying customer ever, if and when I buy a newer car. I want a newish car that is almost completely dumb. No usable GPS, no cameras inside or out, only the ability to connect my phone via usb or Bluetooth IF I choose to turn it on temporarily. I pity the fool

I am proof that not having any screen time as a child does not help anything

K is short for fucK off.

I should win a Golden Globe for the act I put on each day at work I hate it there

that moment when a song comes on and instantly you’re transported to the night you were making out with some loser in a gutter

Ever wonder if scrambled eggs would be good on nachos

if it wasn’t for haptic feedback I’d unknowingly have thousands of saved posts