elton john: hold me closer, tiny dancer
tiny dancer: uhhh ok
elton john: count the headlights on the highway
tiny dancer: what
elton john: lay me down in sheets of linen
tiny dancer: huh ?
elton john: you had a busy day today
tiny dancer: no i didn’t
elton john: blue jean baby
tiny dancer: stop

*looking at the Mona Lisa* there is no way a turtle painted this

BREAKING: punxsutawney phil has fled the country

my cat saw her shadow this morning so 6 more weeks of midnight zoomies I guess

I don’t have a one-track mind. I have an eight-track mind.

It gets tangled easily, fades out in the middle of a thought, and is quickly wearing out.

A Shih Tzu is just a dollar store knockoff of Sun Tzu.

We had it right the first time. Frankenstein, the doctor, WAS the monster.

For years, I thought DEFCON 5 was more serious than DEFCON 1, and I'll be honest: a lot of people died

Son, someday all this (motions towards a cold pitiless world bereft of justice) will be yours

Just reenacted that scene with Han Solo & Leia & carbonite only it was me yelling I LOVE YOU before my hot dog fell into a mud puddle

[after getting 8 likes on a post about Dracula having sex with Bigfoot] I love Bluesky, but this isn't sustainable

Starfish: I am so named because I am shaped like a star

Seahorse: I have the head of a horse

Clownfish: *swims away quickly but crashes into a rock*

i was happier when i thought the phrase was "for all intensive purposes"

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

You can just say you just finished a workout it doesn't need to be true

i don’t have any new dog pics so here’s a pic of my tits:
( • )( • )

haha jk these are my tits:
U U

wife: your life insurance premium paid up?
me: yeah
wife: good
me: why?
wife: no reason
me: ...
wife: ...
me: ...
wife: here, taste this

I always keep a good bottle of wine in the fridge for important celebrations like birthdays, new jobs or promotions, baby and engagement announcements, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednes…

My brother was the best at hide-and-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are