If I ever leave you on “read”, just know I’m still looking for that perfect gif.

Boycotting the grocery store until they start buying an equivalent volume of groceries from me

What new horrors will The Shatsuma release today?

GOP: Hillary's emails put the nation at risk

Also The GOP: reply all

I hate myself, but I don’t “willingly watch Donald Trump’s State of the Union” hate myself

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens theonion.com/no-way-to-pr...

I hate when they take away things you were just starting to really enjoy, like your favorite TV show or democracy.

Mothman’s Mom: Take a sweater

Mothman: Mooommm I don’t WANT a sweater

Mothman’s Mom: You might get hungry!

Since I can’t afford to move to a blue state, this is basically going to be the next four years for me.

The difference between TV news headlines in the US vs the UK is such a perfect example of the differences between the two countries. While the UK will have a crawl saying, “A man has been found after a long search,” the US is like, “MAN, ASSUMED DEAD, FOUND ALIVE,” and I think that’s beautiful

detective: where were you on the night of—

me: in bed

detective: I didn’t say which night

me: doesn’t matter

detective: I didn’t say what time

me: *looking him square in the eye* it doesn’t matter

As someone with nothing to live for, I’m basically just hanging out until I run out of media to consume.

[461 AD]

husband: the Pope’s coming to dinner

wife: very funny

*doorbell rings*

husband: yes. it’s Hilarius

found a new hobby, brb while i immediately drop $1000 on all the supplies for it

'Sometimes things don't go, after all, from bad to worse' Thinking a lot about this poem today.

Oh boy, $150,000!

People who say “It’s never too late” -

Have you heard about a crazy little thing called death?