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The Onion
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1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers | Encircled
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Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression https://theonion.com/trump-says-recession-unfortunate-but-necessary-step-to-get-to-depression/
December 27, 2025 at 12:00 AM
Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression https://theonion.com/trump-says-recession-unfortunate-but-necessary-step-to-get-to-depression/
Sometimes you have to be your own fucking Santa Claus. Buy an Onion shirt today. https://store.theonion.com/products/cartoon-santa-sickos-t-shirt
December 26, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Sometimes you have to be your own fucking Santa Claus. Buy an Onion shirt today. https://store.theonion.com/products/cartoon-santa-sickos-t-shirt
Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile https://theonion.com/cop-posing-as-underage-girl-online-falls-in-love-with-pedophile/
December 26, 2025 at 11:00 PM
Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile https://theonion.com/cop-posing-as-underage-girl-online-falls-in-love-with-pedophile/
‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit https://theonion.com/how-different-could-purified-and-distilled-water-really-be-thinks-humidifier-owner-about-to-enter-world-of-shit/
December 26, 2025 at 10:00 PM
‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit https://theonion.com/how-different-could-purified-and-distilled-water-really-be-thinks-humidifier-owner-about-to-enter-world-of-shit/
Heroic Dog Saves Family Of 5 From Herb-Roasted Chicken https://theonion.com/heroic-dog-saves-family-of-5-from-herb-roasted-chicken/
December 26, 2025 at 9:15 PM
Heroic Dog Saves Family Of 5 From Herb-Roasted Chicken https://theonion.com/heroic-dog-saves-family-of-5-from-herb-roasted-chicken/
Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away https://theonion.com/trump-unsure-what-department-he-has-to-cut-to-make-jd-vance-go-away/
December 26, 2025 at 8:30 PM
Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away https://theonion.com/trump-unsure-what-department-he-has-to-cut-to-make-jd-vance-go-away/
Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer https://theonion.com/wooden-spoon-only-thing-in-mans-life-that-not-giving-him-cancer/
December 26, 2025 at 7:45 PM
Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer https://theonion.com/wooden-spoon-only-thing-in-mans-life-that-not-giving-him-cancer/
Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal https://theonion.com/think-tank-called-the-himmler-institute-assures-nation-this-all-legal/
December 26, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal https://theonion.com/think-tank-called-the-himmler-institute-assures-nation-this-all-legal/
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December 26, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Stick it to your loved ones by blowing through their inheritance at The Onion store before you croak.
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Jealous Trump Boys Try To Convince Father That Barron A DEI https://theonion.com/jealous-trump-boys-try-to-convince-father-that-barron-a-dei/
December 26, 2025 at 5:30 PM
Jealous Trump Boys Try To Convince Father That Barron A DEI https://theonion.com/jealous-trump-boys-try-to-convince-father-that-barron-a-dei/
Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-vows-to-continue-falling-down-stairs-in-face-of-fascist-takeover/
December 26, 2025 at 4:45 PM
Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-vows-to-continue-falling-down-stairs-in-face-of-fascist-takeover/
Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect https://theonion.com/musk-signals-willingness-to-bid-more-than-97-billion-to-acquire-respect/
December 26, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect https://theonion.com/musk-signals-willingness-to-bid-more-than-97-billion-to-acquire-respect/
Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan https://theonion.com/cat-clinging-to-side-of-christmas-tree-admits-that-was-1849899567/
December 26, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan https://theonion.com/cat-clinging-to-side-of-christmas-tree-admits-that-was-1849899567/
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December 25, 2025 at 11:30 PM
Solidify your unyielding commitment to capitalism with a purchase from The Onion's 100% for-profit store. https://store.theonion.com/products/i-just-love-corporations-t-shirt?variant=41702778470469
TV Network Refuses To Air ‘Miracle On 34th Street’ For Outdated Depictions Of Hope, Joy https://theonion.com/tv-network-refuses-to-air-miracle-on-34th-street-for-1848159248/
December 25, 2025 at 11:00 PM
TV Network Refuses To Air ‘Miracle On 34th Street’ For Outdated Depictions Of Hope, Joy https://theonion.com/tv-network-refuses-to-air-miracle-on-34th-street-for-1848159248/
Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together https://theonion.com/emotionally-distant-family-spends-holidays-watching-tou-1819566264/
December 25, 2025 at 10:00 PM
Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together https://theonion.com/emotionally-distant-family-spends-holidays-watching-tou-1819566264/
Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Baby Jesus Skeleton https://theonion.com/home-depot-introduces-new-12-foot-tall-baby-jesus-skele-1851069460/
December 25, 2025 at 9:00 PM
Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Baby Jesus Skeleton https://theonion.com/home-depot-introduces-new-12-foot-tall-baby-jesus-skele-1851069460/
Uncle Put More Thought Than Usual Into This Year’s Gift Cards https://theonion.com/uncle-put-more-thought-than-usual-into-this-year-s-gift-1819577308/
December 25, 2025 at 8:00 PM
Uncle Put More Thought Than Usual Into This Year’s Gift Cards https://theonion.com/uncle-put-more-thought-than-usual-into-this-year-s-gift-1819577308/
Christmas Tree Lot Guy So Ready For Annual 46-Week Vacation https://theonion.com/christmas-tree-lot-guy-so-ready-for-annual-46-week-vaca-1849919748/
December 25, 2025 at 7:00 PM
Christmas Tree Lot Guy So Ready For Annual 46-Week Vacation https://theonion.com/christmas-tree-lot-guy-so-ready-for-annual-46-week-vaca-1849919748/
Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ https://theonion.com/bullshit-newborn-not-even-christ/
December 25, 2025 at 6:30 PM
Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ https://theonion.com/bullshit-newborn-not-even-christ/
Report: Nation's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas
December 25, 2025 at 6:01 PM
Report: Nation's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas
Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House https://theonion.com/santa-tracker-shows-sleigh-stopped-for-40-minutes-outside-old-girlfriends-house/
December 25, 2025 at 5:30 PM
Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House https://theonion.com/santa-tracker-shows-sleigh-stopped-for-40-minutes-outside-old-girlfriends-house/
Parents Get Up Early To Place Santa Droppings Around Living Room To Convince Children He Visited https://theonion.com/parents-get-up-early-to-place-santa-droppings-around-li-1849919836/
December 25, 2025 at 5:00 PM
Parents Get Up Early To Place Santa Droppings Around Living Room To Convince Children He Visited https://theonion.com/parents-get-up-early-to-place-santa-droppings-around-li-1849919836/
Commentary: Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin-2/
Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin!
Seasons greetings from your old friend Santa! With Christmas just a few short days away, Santa is hard at work at the North Pole, making presents for all you good boys and girls. But this year, Santa ...
theonion.com
December 25, 2025 at 4:30 PM
Commentary: Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin-2/
Area Man Stops Self After Eating 3 Advent Calendars https://theonion.com/area-man-stops-self-after-eating-3-advent-calendars-1821461416/
December 25, 2025 at 4:00 PM
Area Man Stops Self After Eating 3 Advent Calendars https://theonion.com/area-man-stops-self-after-eating-3-advent-calendars-1821461416/