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The Onion
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The Onion @theonion.com · 4d
1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers on our new series: Encircled. Subscribe at https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ to get the paper delivered to your door.
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'US Dignity Reserves Nearly Depleted' Headline Shirt
November 10, 2025 at 11:30 PM
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Kris Jenner Celebrates 70th Face
Kris Jenner Celebrates 70th Face
November 10, 2025 at 11:00 PM
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Medicaid Work Requirements Myth Vs. Fact https://theonion.com/medicaid-work-requirements-myth-vs-fact/
MYTH: Millions of people will lose benefits. FACT: That’s only Phase One.
November 10, 2025 at 10:00 PM
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Local news is vital. Learn more at theonion.com/local and watch The Paper Mondays on NBC and streaming on Peacock. #ad
Real Estate Obituary Watch The Paper
November 10, 2025 at 9:00 PM
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Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’ https://theonion.com/trump-threatens-to-sue-bbc-over-misleading-edit-of-the-vicar-of-dibley/
Trump Threatens To Sue BBC Over Misleading Edit Of ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’
November 10, 2025 at 8:30 PM
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Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist https://theonion.com/study-practicing-kung-fu-naked-in-mirror-best-indicator-of-being-domestic-terrorist/
Study: Practicing Kung Fu Naked In Mirror Best Indicator Of Being Domestic Terrorist
November 10, 2025 at 8:00 PM
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‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up https://theonion.com/gta-vi-delayed-until-developers-get-grades-up/
‘GTA VI’ Delayed Until Developers Get Grades Up
November 10, 2025 at 7:30 PM
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EPA To Monarch Butterflies: ‘Count Your Fucking Days’ https://theonion.com/epa-to-monarch-butterflies-count-your-fucking-days/
EPA To Monarch Butterflies: ‘Count Your Fucking Days’
November 10, 2025 at 7:00 PM
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FAA Issues Holiday Reminder That Planes Can Crash And Kill You
November 10, 2025 at 6:01 PM
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Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About
Democrats Sick Of Being Blamed For Cowardice On Issues They Actually Just Don’t Care About
WASHINGTON—Having thus far caved on eliminating the filibuster, advancing an adequate climate change agenda, and protecting voting rights, congressional Democrats told reporters Wednesday they were si...
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November 10, 2025 at 5:00 PM
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Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today
Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today
CAIRO—Admitting he was unable to face a lengthy session of indexing artifacts after drinking too much the night before, hungover Egyptologist Henry Chapman confirmed Tuesday he was just gonna call in ...
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November 10, 2025 at 4:00 PM
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Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months https://theonion.com/girlfriend-to-stay-underneath-blanket-for-next-5-months-1819575780/
Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months
November 10, 2025 at 3:00 PM
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Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage
Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage
November 10, 2025 at 5:02 AM
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Patriots Starting To Regret Drafting 130-Pound Linebacker Based Exclusively On Strength Of Cover Letter https://theonion.com/patriots-starting-to-regret-drafting-130-pound-linebacker-based-exclusively-on-strength-of-cover-letter/
November 9, 2025 at 8:46 PM
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Nation's Couples Hit Rough Spell https://theonion.com/nations-couples-hit-rough-spell-1819573607/
Nation's Couples Hit Rough Spell
November 9, 2025 at 8:00 PM
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ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs
ICE Agent Panics After Realizing There More Children Than He Has Flash-Bangs
CHICAGO—His heart racing with terror as he found himself completely surrounded, an Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent conducting a raid on a Chicago elementary school reportedly fell into panic...
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November 9, 2025 at 7:00 PM
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Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani https://theonion.com/fact-checking-claims-about-zohran-mamdani/
Claim: Mamdani adheres to an extremist interpretation of Sharia law. False: Mamdani remains honor-bound to the ancient samurai code of Bushidō.
November 9, 2025 at 5:00 PM
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Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size https://theonion.com/coca-cola-introduces-new-30-liter-size-1819564066/
Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size
November 9, 2025 at 4:00 PM
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Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating https://theonion.com/local-teen-walks-in-on-family-masturbating-1819575823/
Local Teen Walks In On Family Masturbating
November 8, 2025 at 8:00 PM
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Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term
Pros And Cons Of A 3rd Trump Term
Last week, President Trump discussed the possibility of running for a third term in 2028, despite the 22nd Amendment’s prohibition on being elected to the office more than twice. The Onion examines th...
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November 8, 2025 at 5:00 PM
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Extensive FAQ Page Dispels Any Lingering Confusion About Boston Duck Tour https://theonion.com/extensive-faq-page-dispels-any-lingering-confusion-abou-1819574176/
Extensive FAQ Page Dispels Any Lingering Confusion About Boston Duck Tour
November 8, 2025 at 4:00 PM
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White House   Maid Shrieks After Spotting    Melania  On Ceiling
White House   Maid Shrieks After Spotting    Melania  On Ceiling
WASHINGTON—Expressing horror as an unidentified slimy substance dripped on her shoulder from above, White House maid Carla Ovares reportedly shrieked Tuesday after spotting first lady Melania Trump on...
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November 8, 2025 at 7:00 AM
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For sickos, by sickos.
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'Cartoon Sickos' Tote Bag
November 7, 2025 at 11:30 PM
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Real Estate: Dad’s House
It’s Dad’s weekend. Try to make him feel like you want to be there. Reference #19887
November 7, 2025 at 11:00 PM
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France Suspends Shein Over Sex Dolls
https://theonion.com/france-suspends-shein-over-sex-dolls/
“Anyone who’s serious about their sex dolls would never buy one from Shein anyway.” Beth Polonsky, Cactus Trimmer
November 7, 2025 at 10:30 PM