Jon
@arfmeasures.bsky.social
I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please.
https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:eovcv23qyhbah4huiqzirnp4/feed/aaaea46bxsi3k
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Jon
@arfmeasures.bsky.social
· Nov 18
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I'm gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I'm gonna put no
Me: ok
Reposted by Jon
doctor: get ready to say "aah"
me: why are we on the roof
me: why are we on the roof
December 7, 2024 at 4:40 PM
doctor: get ready to say "aah"
me: why are we on the roof
me: why are we on the roof
Reposted by Jon
KID: hey mister can i pet your dog?
ME: sure kid
KID: what kind is he?
ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt
ME: sure kid
KID: what kind is he?
ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt
March 20, 2025 at 4:58 PM
KID: hey mister can i pet your dog?
ME: sure kid
KID: what kind is he?
ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt
ME: sure kid
KID: what kind is he?
ME: that there's a pure beef vienna son careful don't get mustard on your shirt
Reposted by Jon
Me: There's no lamb
Chef: Then grill the chicken
Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch
Chef: Then grill the chicken
Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch
November 8, 2024 at 6:44 PM
Me: There's no lamb
Chef: Then grill the chicken
Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch
Chef: Then grill the chicken
Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch
Reposted by Jon
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there
December 13, 2024 at 8:06 PM
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there
Reposted by Jon
[interrupting opponent during rap battle] That’s not my name. No one calls me that
February 27, 2025 at 5:09 AM
[interrupting opponent during rap battle] That’s not my name. No one calls me that
Reposted by Jon
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
February 27, 2025 at 8:18 PM
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Reposted by Jon
[restaurant]
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
February 27, 2025 at 1:36 PM
[restaurant]
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
Reposted by Jon
LAUREN BACALL: you just put your lips together and blow
HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren
HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren
February 27, 2025 at 6:11 PM
LAUREN BACALL: you just put your lips together and blow
HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren
HUMPHREY BOGART: *holding nintendo cartridge* i know how to get it to work lauren
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
February 27, 2025 at 8:18 PM
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Me: isn't it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here
Reposted by Jon
Wife: use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
May 10, 2023 at 8:28 PM
Wife: use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Reposted by Jon
Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*
McDonalds drive-thru employee: what
McDonalds drive-thru employee: what
December 5, 2024 at 6:04 PM
Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*
McDonalds drive-thru employee: what
McDonalds drive-thru employee: what
Reposted by Jon
Me: how do I do my taxes
Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance
Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance
January 31, 2025 at 1:28 AM
Me: how do I do my taxes
Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance
Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance
Reposted by Jon
[making pizza rolls]
instructions: heat them up
me: yes
instructions: let them cool
me: no
instructions: heat them up
me: yes
instructions: let them cool
me: no
January 21, 2025 at 2:28 PM
[making pizza rolls]
instructions: heat them up
me: yes
instructions: let them cool
me: no
instructions: heat them up
me: yes
instructions: let them cool
me: no
Reposted by Jon
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: Yes, I wrote that
December 27, 2024 at 5:22 AM
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Reposted by Jon
Bouncer at exclusive underground club: what's the secret handshake?
Me: [does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication?
Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: come on in
Me: [does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication?
Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: come on in
December 28, 2024 at 5:01 AM
Bouncer at exclusive underground club: what's the secret handshake?
Me: [does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication?
Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: come on in
Me: [does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: and your 2-factor authentication?
Me: [pulling out hamster, who also does the secret handshake]
Bouncer: come on in
Reposted by Jon
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
December 10, 2024 at 10:07 PM
[I get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "I'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"]
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
me: [unplugs fridge from power outlet] you're not going anywhere, you piece of shit
Merry Christmas everyone!
December 24, 2024 at 9:03 PM
Merry Christmas everyone!
Reposted by Jon
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
me (already drunk): BEES
December 22, 2024 at 10:33 PM
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
me (already drunk): BEES
Reposted by Jon
MARY: i think the baby is coming
JOSEPH: *watching die hard* oh man but this is the best part
JOSEPH: *watching die hard* oh man but this is the best part
December 21, 2024 at 3:55 AM
MARY: i think the baby is coming
JOSEPH: *watching die hard* oh man but this is the best part
JOSEPH: *watching die hard* oh man but this is the best part
Reposted by Jon
female mantis: pray, love, eat
December 22, 2024 at 4:25 PM
female mantis: pray, love, eat
Reposted by Jon
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me?”
-guy who invented sports
-guy who invented sports
November 23, 2024 at 2:52 PM
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me?”
-guy who invented sports
-guy who invented sports
Reposted by Jon
911: what is your emergency
ME: i need a hug
911: hold please
ME: i need a hug
911: hold please
December 21, 2024 at 5:04 PM
911: what is your emergency
ME: i need a hug
911: hold please
ME: i need a hug
911: hold please
Reposted by Jon
Doctor: you suffer from delusions
Me: I don't think so
Doctor: they seem real but they're not
Stuart Little: he's lying to you
Me: I know
Me: I don't think so
Doctor: they seem real but they're not
Stuart Little: he's lying to you
Me: I know
December 20, 2024 at 3:35 PM
Doctor: you suffer from delusions
Me: I don't think so
Doctor: they seem real but they're not
Stuart Little: he's lying to you
Me: I know
Me: I don't think so
Doctor: they seem real but they're not
Stuart Little: he's lying to you
Me: I know