Paige Kellerman
@paigekellerman.bsky.social
Writer, Humorist, Sampler of New Social Media Platforms
Pinned
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you're broke.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
It’s funny how phones have made clock towers obsolete. Like now I can just google images of clock towers whenever I want
September 8, 2025 at 4:06 PM
It’s funny how phones have made clock towers obsolete. Like now I can just google images of clock towers whenever I want
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Medieval guy listening to a proclamation: this could have been a tapestry
August 6, 2025 at 1:14 PM
Medieval guy listening to a proclamation: this could have been a tapestry
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
August 3, 2025 at 4:38 PM
[wife wanting to discuss my mid life crisis] brent
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
[me with my graffiti buddies] actually it’s Sprayz now
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation except for you.
August 4, 2025 at 9:14 PM
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Got a 10x magnification mirror. This was an error. I do not need this much information about my face.
August 2, 2025 at 2:25 AM
Got a 10x magnification mirror. This was an error. I do not need this much information about my face.
The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation except for you.
July 31, 2025 at 2:12 AM
The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation except for you.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Sooooo true!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you're broke.
July 30, 2025 at 6:13 PM
Sooooo true!
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
So very rusted.
My Brain:
Me:
My Brain:
Me:
My Brain: Tiiiiiiiiin roof. Rusted.
Me:
My Brain:
Me:
My Brain: Tiiiiiiiiin roof. Rusted.
July 28, 2025 at 3:27 PM
So very rusted.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Me: I'm sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I'm nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
July 19, 2025 at 8:44 PM
Me: I'm sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I'm nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
I think it’s so beautiful we let Nicolas Cage tell us all our stories now.
July 13, 2025 at 3:54 PM
I think it’s so beautiful we let Nicolas Cage tell us all our stories now.
July 12, 2025 at 7:50 AM
I think it’s so beautiful we let Nicolas Cage tell us all our stories now.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
“Catapult? I think you mean trebuchet,” I say, as I am loaded into the trebuchet.
July 8, 2025 at 12:14 AM
“Catapult? I think you mean trebuchet,” I say, as I am loaded into the trebuchet.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
[application to be a Chili’s restaurant manager]
1. describe your people leadership successes
2. outline your plan for budget adherence
3. are you willing to fistfight the TGI Friday’s manager in the Best Buy parking lot
1. describe your people leadership successes
2. outline your plan for budget adherence
3. are you willing to fistfight the TGI Friday’s manager in the Best Buy parking lot
July 8, 2025 at 1:10 PM
[application to be a Chili’s restaurant manager]
1. describe your people leadership successes
2. outline your plan for budget adherence
3. are you willing to fistfight the TGI Friday’s manager in the Best Buy parking lot
1. describe your people leadership successes
2. outline your plan for budget adherence
3. are you willing to fistfight the TGI Friday’s manager in the Best Buy parking lot
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
You can have your cake and everyone else's cake too if you barricade yourself in the kitchen before they arrive
July 8, 2025 at 12:58 PM
You can have your cake and everyone else's cake too if you barricade yourself in the kitchen before they arrive
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
What do I have to do to make it in this industry??!!?!
{I am explicitly told what I have to do}
Okay but like besides that stuff
{I am explicitly told what I have to do}
Okay but like besides that stuff
July 7, 2025 at 7:17 PM
What do I have to do to make it in this industry??!!?!
{I am explicitly told what I have to do}
Okay but like besides that stuff
{I am explicitly told what I have to do}
Okay but like besides that stuff
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Tremendous Kevin, the fictional squirrel who I use as a scapegoat for my frequent acts of criminal mischief, has really crossed a line this time
June 13, 2025 at 5:54 PM
Tremendous Kevin, the fictional squirrel who I use as a scapegoat for my frequent acts of criminal mischief, has really crossed a line this time
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
There are few acts more graceless than having to enter your login details using the arrow keys on a remote control. Just shambling about the screen like a pac-man ghost. Pathetic. We gave up quills for this.
June 11, 2025 at 1:44 PM
There are few acts more graceless than having to enter your login details using the arrow keys on a remote control. Just shambling about the screen like a pac-man ghost. Pathetic. We gave up quills for this.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know
March 25, 2025 at 6:39 AM
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i'm like yeah. me know
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
I used to be afraid of ghosts but then I found out they're not real so now I guess I'm afraid of the living Victorian child that stands at the foot of my bed screaming every night.
April 8, 2025 at 6:50 PM
I used to be afraid of ghosts but then I found out they're not real so now I guess I'm afraid of the living Victorian child that stands at the foot of my bed screaming every night.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
The best part of any X-Men film is always this scene
Magneto: [sternly but affectionately] Charles.
Professor X: [affectionately but sternly] Eric.
Magneto: [sternly but affectionately] Charles.
Professor X: [affectionately but sternly] Eric.
April 11, 2025 at 1:04 PM
The best part of any X-Men film is always this scene
Magneto: [sternly but affectionately] Charles.
Professor X: [affectionately but sternly] Eric.
Magneto: [sternly but affectionately] Charles.
Professor X: [affectionately but sternly] Eric.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Mike's Hard Tax Return
April 4, 2025 at 12:58 PM
Mike's Hard Tax Return
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
[walking in to store]
wife: i don’t understand why just don’t do one big online order
me: (shooting finger guns at the greeter) heyyyyyy
greeter: (pretends to matrix dodge) heyyyyyy
wife: i don’t understand why just don’t do one big online order
me: (shooting finger guns at the greeter) heyyyyyy
greeter: (pretends to matrix dodge) heyyyyyy
March 27, 2025 at 5:32 PM
[walking in to store]
wife: i don’t understand why just don’t do one big online order
me: (shooting finger guns at the greeter) heyyyyyy
greeter: (pretends to matrix dodge) heyyyyyy
wife: i don’t understand why just don’t do one big online order
me: (shooting finger guns at the greeter) heyyyyyy
greeter: (pretends to matrix dodge) heyyyyyy
Hollywood thinks we want more superhero movies. But nay, the people yearn for stories about a mysterious circus that comes to town, bringing with it dire consequences for the townspeople and a profound journey of self discovery for the troubled protagonist.
March 25, 2025 at 7:55 PM
Hollywood thinks we want more superhero movies. But nay, the people yearn for stories about a mysterious circus that comes to town, bringing with it dire consequences for the townspeople and a profound journey of self discovery for the troubled protagonist.
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Opening 6000 tabs on my old laptop until it gets so hot I can use it as a panini press
March 18, 2025 at 12:50 PM
Opening 6000 tabs on my old laptop until it gets so hot I can use it as a panini press
Reposted by Paige Kellerman
Hi you're through to my voicemail, please do your best seagull impression after the tone and I'll only call you back if it's funny enough
March 19, 2025 at 9:40 PM
Hi you're through to my voicemail, please do your best seagull impression after the tone and I'll only call you back if it's funny enough