Captain Killjoy
@massivesass.bsky.social
Aspiring Dark Lord.
They/she/Dark Lord
They/she/Dark Lord
Revenge porn, but it's just me banging your mom on her OF.
December 31, 2025 at 8:22 AM
Revenge porn, but it's just me banging your mom on her OF.
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
VOICEOVER: in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet entirely opposite, groups: the police, who are afraid of sandwiches, and sandwich wielders, armed with food consisting of two pieces of bread filled with meat, cheese, and vegetables. these are their stories.
November 5, 2025 at 10:58 PM
VOICEOVER: in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet entirely opposite, groups: the police, who are afraid of sandwiches, and sandwich wielders, armed with food consisting of two pieces of bread filled with meat, cheese, and vegetables. these are their stories.
At this point, my daily affirmations are just me validating my own emotions after being gaslit by my government.
October 27, 2025 at 4:55 PM
At this point, my daily affirmations are just me validating my own emotions after being gaslit by my government.
If life isn't a game, then why does the body keep the score?
July 1, 2025 at 4:09 PM
If life isn't a game, then why does the body keep the score?
I might be an NPC, but I'm the eccentric inn keeper who gives you the random yet oddly specific information that is essential to the success of your quest.
June 25, 2025 at 12:41 AM
I might be an NPC, but I'm the eccentric inn keeper who gives you the random yet oddly specific information that is essential to the success of your quest.
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
plot twist: be mad *and* disappointed
May 21, 2025 at 4:12 AM
plot twist: be mad *and* disappointed
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
so many of my friends are some of the funniest people on this app battling huge things in their daily life and this is my "i'm proud of you. keep going."
May 1, 2025 at 12:57 PM
so many of my friends are some of the funniest people on this app battling huge things in their daily life and this is my "i'm proud of you. keep going."
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
23andMe sounds like a dating website run by Leonardo DiCaprio
May 21, 2025 at 5:16 AM
23andMe sounds like a dating website run by Leonardo DiCaprio
Honestly, the worst part about massive fireworks going off on a random weeknight isn't the sudden noise, but the Neighbors notifications immediately after asking if that was fireworks.
May 9, 2025 at 6:14 AM
Honestly, the worst part about massive fireworks going off on a random weeknight isn't the sudden noise, but the Neighbors notifications immediately after asking if that was fireworks.
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
This is where I’m plotting your downfall
December 1, 2024 at 10:39 PM
This is where I’m plotting your downfall
We have to stop expecting Black women to carry the weight of our own discomfort.
December 2, 2024 at 3:09 AM
We have to stop expecting Black women to carry the weight of our own discomfort.
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
Hey girl are you an ornithologist because you look like you can handle a cockatoo
November 30, 2024 at 8:28 PM
Hey girl are you an ornithologist because you look like you can handle a cockatoo
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
If we all are truly made in God's image I humbly suggest that He consider bringing in some outside consultants to review the blueprints
November 30, 2024 at 9:49 AM
If we all are truly made in God's image I humbly suggest that He consider bringing in some outside consultants to review the blueprints
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life you unemployed trust fund piece of shit
December 1, 2024 at 1:08 AM
do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life you unemployed trust fund piece of shit
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
2024 has been a rough few years
December 1, 2024 at 2:07 AM
2024 has been a rough few years
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
Men will turn a weekend project into a 6-month ordeal instead of going to therapy.
December 1, 2024 at 12:50 AM
Men will turn a weekend project into a 6-month ordeal instead of going to therapy.
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
I've been pouring this 'no more tears' shampoo in her eyes for the past 15 minutes, and if anything, the crying is getting worse.
December 1, 2024 at 1:13 AM
I've been pouring this 'no more tears' shampoo in her eyes for the past 15 minutes, and if anything, the crying is getting worse.
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
I got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that a yellow python is called a bananaconda.
November 13, 2024 at 8:43 PM
I got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that a yellow python is called a bananaconda.
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
"Malady," he said to her, tipping his plague-mask
November 28, 2024 at 2:14 AM
"Malady," he said to her, tipping his plague-mask
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
November 22, 2024 at 11:37 PM
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
Wouldst thou like to live dissociatively?
November 16, 2024 at 3:22 PM
Wouldst thou like to live dissociatively?
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
For just 50 cents a day you can throw a roll of pennies at Keith in accounting
November 21, 2024 at 12:55 AM
For just 50 cents a day you can throw a roll of pennies at Keith in accounting
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
How it feels reconnecting with Twitter mutuals
November 11, 2024 at 7:37 PM
How it feels reconnecting with Twitter mutuals
Reposted by Captain Killjoy
ME: Hello Darkness, my old friend.
DARKNESS: We went out for wings *once*
DARKNESS: We went out for wings *once*
November 23, 2024 at 3:59 AM
ME: Hello Darkness, my old friend.
DARKNESS: We went out for wings *once*
DARKNESS: We went out for wings *once*