John to the World
@johnjokewriter.bsky.social
Former joke writer for Jay Leno. My material is a lot funnier when I’m paid to write it. At least that’s what I tell myself . . .
Pinned
At 58, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
OK people . . . the word “spooktacular” . . . for the love of God just fucking stop.
October 4, 2025 at 12:22 PM
OK people . . . the word “spooktacular” . . . for the love of God just fucking stop.
This morning I finished “Sula,” a Toni Morrison book I hadn’t read yet. I’m convinced no one has used our language as skillfully, as artfully, as beautifully, and as magically as she did. 📚
September 1, 2025 at 9:16 PM
This morning I finished “Sula,” a Toni Morrison book I hadn’t read yet. I’m convinced no one has used our language as skillfully, as artfully, as beautifully, and as magically as she did. 📚
Reposted by John to the World
For the Epsteinth time, he’s guilty.
Release the files. His fall is inevitable.
Release the files. His fall is inevitable.
July 18, 2025 at 3:59 PM
For the Epsteinth time, he’s guilty.
Release the files. His fall is inevitable.
Release the files. His fall is inevitable.
Show the voracious heat & humidity in the Deep South what a real man you are by drinking a jalapeño margarita on your deck. Feel the burn, but never let ‘em see you sweat. Dems da rules.
July 18, 2025 at 11:13 PM
Show the voracious heat & humidity in the Deep South what a real man you are by drinking a jalapeño margarita on your deck. Feel the burn, but never let ‘em see you sweat. Dems da rules.
Why does soap get everything clean except the dish that it’s sitting in?
July 12, 2025 at 4:32 PM
Why does soap get everything clean except the dish that it’s sitting in?
Not bad, Salzburg. Not bad at all . . .
June 29, 2025 at 2:09 PM
Not bad, Salzburg. Not bad at all . . .
I’m “the Datsun 280-Z was the coolest car EVER” years old.
June 21, 2025 at 12:46 AM
I’m “the Datsun 280-Z was the coolest car EVER” years old.
Doesn’t “Asses to asses; dust to Dorito dust” make death sound like it’ll be a lot more fun?
June 19, 2025 at 12:20 AM
Doesn’t “Asses to asses; dust to Dorito dust” make death sound like it’ll be a lot more fun?
Reposted by John to the World
Husband: *walks into glass door*
Me: Did you leave a nose print? I just cleaned that.
Me: Did you leave a nose print? I just cleaned that.
June 6, 2025 at 6:03 PM
Husband: *walks into glass door*
Me: Did you leave a nose print? I just cleaned that.
Me: Did you leave a nose print? I just cleaned that.
Reposted by John to the World
"I really like listening to books on tape while I drive"
My coworker who just realized I'm old: "You mean audiobooks"
My coworker who just realized I'm old: "You mean audiobooks"
June 6, 2025 at 5:19 PM
"I really like listening to books on tape while I drive"
My coworker who just realized I'm old: "You mean audiobooks"
My coworker who just realized I'm old: "You mean audiobooks"
Reposted by John to the World
“How to stop an overflowing toilet” should not have a 30 second commercial before it on YouTube.
June 8, 2025 at 12:08 PM
“How to stop an overflowing toilet” should not have a 30 second commercial before it on YouTube.
I love how old fashioned I am about things, like how good a well-made Old Fashioned is. Here’s to Friday night pours, because they just hit different. Cheers, friends! 🥃
June 7, 2025 at 12:37 AM
I love how old fashioned I am about things, like how good a well-made Old Fashioned is. Here’s to Friday night pours, because they just hit different. Cheers, friends! 🥃
Reposted by John to the World
My body is a temple.
My closet is a thrift shop.
My kitchen is a health code violation.
My backyard is a primeval rainforest.
I forgot where I was going with this.
My closet is a thrift shop.
My kitchen is a health code violation.
My backyard is a primeval rainforest.
I forgot where I was going with this.
March 20, 2025 at 9:35 AM
My body is a temple.
My closet is a thrift shop.
My kitchen is a health code violation.
My backyard is a primeval rainforest.
I forgot where I was going with this.
My closet is a thrift shop.
My kitchen is a health code violation.
My backyard is a primeval rainforest.
I forgot where I was going with this.
To all you amazing, wonderful moms out there . . . keep that shit up. ❤️
May 11, 2025 at 5:22 PM
To all you amazing, wonderful moms out there . . . keep that shit up. ❤️
Go Johnnie go, go! Johnnie be good . . . 🥃
May 10, 2025 at 12:16 AM
Go Johnnie go, go! Johnnie be good . . . 🥃
Breaking out the good stuff and breaking my “no drinking on a school night” rule for a good reason - it’s my birthday (#59). So happy birthday to me.
April 29, 2025 at 12:32 AM
Breaking out the good stuff and breaking my “no drinking on a school night” rule for a good reason - it’s my birthday (#59). So happy birthday to me.
Reposted by John to the World
Tell me again why we’re letting a 78 year old, legit smelly, odorous, frail, loser old man who bankrupted a CASINO bankrupt the country?
Congress? Any answers?
Congress? Any answers?
April 5, 2025 at 2:37 AM
Tell me again why we’re letting a 78 year old, legit smelly, odorous, frail, loser old man who bankrupted a CASINO bankrupt the country?
Congress? Any answers?
Congress? Any answers?
Reposted by John to the World
Surprising to hear that a government formed exclusively of a country’s most stupid people isn’t really working out.
March 24, 2025 at 10:35 PM
Surprising to hear that a government formed exclusively of a country’s most stupid people isn’t really working out.
Reposted by John to the World
“Wait guys, P. Hegseth is typing…”
March 24, 2025 at 7:15 PM
“Wait guys, P. Hegseth is typing…”
Reposted by John to the World
A March madness bracket, but for reply guys
March 23, 2025 at 4:01 PM
A March madness bracket, but for reply guys
Reposted by John to the World
*corrects your grammar with more incorrect grammar*
March 22, 2025 at 1:14 PM
*corrects your grammar with more incorrect grammar*
Reposted by John to the World
If you get hospitalized for social anxiety, you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
September 19, 2023 at 4:28 PM
If you get hospitalized for social anxiety, you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My particular spin on “Friday Night Lights.” Slaínte, mates! 🥃
March 8, 2025 at 12:10 AM
My particular spin on “Friday Night Lights.” Slaínte, mates! 🥃
Reposted by John to the World
Nothing makes me feel more intellectual than stabbing myself in the eye putting on my glasses
March 5, 2025 at 1:30 PM
Nothing makes me feel more intellectual than stabbing myself in the eye putting on my glasses
Reposted by John to the World
Is M. Night Shyamalan directing 2025?
March 5, 2025 at 12:58 PM
Is M. Night Shyamalan directing 2025?