ya sex is nice but have you ever made a particularly pertinent comment during book club and everyone starts snapping in approval

i think rowling's brain is so cooked that if you pointed a wand at her and started saying "avada-" she'd flinch

The government does not get to decide your gender. I do. I’m going to use ai to generate for everyone a new personalized gender that they can call their very own. It’s like an nft

Me: *Adjusting my headphones because they're falling out*

My headphones: I turn off ☺️

Me: No I-

My headphones: I skip forwards ☺️

Me: Please I just want to stop you falli-

My headphones: I turn volume down ☺️

Me: PLEASE!!!

My headphones: I turn off ☺️

Movie music goes "this bit is sad. This bit is tense", while game music goes "this bit is a swamp. This bit is a volcano."
That's way better actually! Movie soundtracks should try being indifferent to their characters' inner worlds and their stupid little problems and tell you they are in a field

I'm uncomfortable with the inevitable "his work was always crap" because it seems to say "you can tell who the predators are by how well they write" and ... no no you absolutely cannot, that's the whole point.

my biggest 2024 breakthrough: discovering that scarecrows aren't real. crops are just SO much easier to steal now. i used to pull up one or two turnips and run off, but i'm not scared anymore. the only challenge ahead of me in 2025 is to keep from eating so many turnips i give myself a stomach ache

“Christopher Nolan will make the plot of The Odyssey comprehensible to people who haven’t read it.” Sir, have you ever seen a Christopher Nolan movie

Eggs are only expensive if you buy them prefabricated. I been buying a big crate of the shells for like ten bucks then filling them with my own wet at home

“Just a little midnight snack”, I whisper, knowing full well I have no concept of what time it is, what day it is, or what the words ‘little snack’ even mean.

Books are a total scam.
Every single word is already in the dictionary—they’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

me: hey dave. you disgusting freak. fat piece of shit. do you know how to turn on the copy machine

dave: button on the left

me: wow.. thank you. i see now that being different is your strength. you are brave & strong. i love you dave. would you like to join the boys & i later for some People Games

My writing process is usually:

a) I got this
b) well, fuck
c) wait that part was real good
d) wait no that part sucks
e) I am a god of this place
f) the fuck is this shit, who do I think I am, why am I here
g) oh man I just figured it all out
h) mistakes were made
I) existential dread

Spotify: March was your Francophile Cowgirl Crush Punk phase
Me: Uh huh that’s right
Spotify: In July you had a Surf Princess Girl Math Autoerotic-core moment
Me: I recall that, yes

Literally.....

remember this black friday it’s 100% discount if you steal

Godzilla and King Kong are such great ambassadors for their respective cultures, one is like “what if our atomic hubris called forth an agent of our destruction from the very seas that birthed us” and one is like “what if monsters wanted our white women”