Matt Fried
@iammattfried.bsky.social
Writer, Dog Uncle, Ex-Crush, Some Guy from Philly
2023 Launchpad Prose Top 50 Finalist
2019 Screencraft Stage Play SemiFinalist
📚The Survivalist, “Homecoming Dance”
📍Chicago, IL (But missing NYC)
2023 Launchpad Prose Top 50 Finalist
2019 Screencraft Stage Play SemiFinalist
📚The Survivalist, “Homecoming Dance”
📍Chicago, IL (But missing NYC)
I love the Eagles, but I’ll never forgive what they did to DeMarco Murray. How does Chip Kelly still get hired?
December 10, 2025 at 5:35 PM
I love the Eagles, but I’ll never forgive what they did to DeMarco Murray. How does Chip Kelly still get hired?
The cure for male loneliness is an arcade bar franchise owned and operated by Reginald Vel Johnson.
Men need community and a TV dad that will always make us feel better.
Men need community and a TV dad that will always make us feel better.
October 29, 2025 at 12:09 AM
The cure for male loneliness is an arcade bar franchise owned and operated by Reginald Vel Johnson.
Men need community and a TV dad that will always make us feel better.
Men need community and a TV dad that will always make us feel better.
“I’ll fight any man in here!”, he screamed while standing inside of a Twin Peaks sports bar.
A manager appeared and told him to keep down: the customers were there to overtip the half-naked waitresses, and cry when a sports teams lost them money on a parlay.
A manager appeared and told him to keep down: the customers were there to overtip the half-naked waitresses, and cry when a sports teams lost them money on a parlay.
October 27, 2025 at 7:36 PM
“I’ll fight any man in here!”, he screamed while standing inside of a Twin Peaks sports bar.
A manager appeared and told him to keep down: the customers were there to overtip the half-naked waitresses, and cry when a sports teams lost them money on a parlay.
A manager appeared and told him to keep down: the customers were there to overtip the half-naked waitresses, and cry when a sports teams lost them money on a parlay.
There’s never enough coffee to deal with this bullshit.
July 24, 2025 at 7:27 PM
There’s never enough coffee to deal with this bullshit.
It’s weird how cigarettes cause cancer but are vital to surviving America in 2025.
July 23, 2025 at 9:28 PM
It’s weird how cigarettes cause cancer but are vital to surviving America in 2025.
Signs your husband is part of the male loneliness epidemic:
1. No real friends.
2. Too much time on social media.
3. Starts amassing a Sun Visor collection.
1. No real friends.
2. Too much time on social media.
3. Starts amassing a Sun Visor collection.
July 23, 2025 at 3:14 PM
Signs your husband is part of the male loneliness epidemic:
1. No real friends.
2. Too much time on social media.
3. Starts amassing a Sun Visor collection.
1. No real friends.
2. Too much time on social media.
3. Starts amassing a Sun Visor collection.
Reposted by Matt Fried
We have lived a year under the tyranny of Moo Deng
July 10, 2025 at 7:03 PM
We have lived a year under the tyranny of Moo Deng
Google *friendly robot Philadelphia* and then take your best educated guess at what happens to these cars after 24 hours on the Philly streets…
July 8, 2025 at 12:15 AM
Google *friendly robot Philadelphia* and then take your best educated guess at what happens to these cars after 24 hours on the Philly streets…
Reposted by Matt Fried
Every day I read the news
July 7, 2025 at 10:33 PM
Every day I read the news
A murder’s row of candidates who scream at cater waiters.
June 6, 2025 at 5:12 PM
A murder’s row of candidates who scream at cater waiters.
The CDC recommends that you all pay me $20. Like the White House, I have no sources to back this up.
May 30, 2025 at 7:29 PM
The CDC recommends that you all pay me $20. Like the White House, I have no sources to back this up.
If I ever become a CEO, I’m going to wire every room in my skyscraper to play “Mambo No. 5” when I walk in. The bathrooms AND the elevator bay.
May 30, 2025 at 7:28 PM
If I ever become a CEO, I’m going to wire every room in my skyscraper to play “Mambo No. 5” when I walk in. The bathrooms AND the elevator bay.
Reposted by Matt Fried
Reposted by Matt Fried
Seeing so many jobs being overtaken by AI makes me glad I was responsible by going to college for musical theater
May 30, 2025 at 1:54 PM
Seeing so many jobs being overtaken by AI makes me glad I was responsible by going to college for musical theater
Reposted by Matt Fried
i tell ya, my wife is bi. yeah, she bi and i pay!
we need a rodney dangerfield of the left
May 30, 2025 at 2:32 AM
i tell ya, my wife is bi. yeah, she bi and i pay!
I’m just going to call it “HBO” until I die.
May 14, 2025 at 8:13 PM
I’m just going to call it “HBO” until I die.
I will not stand for this Marion Ravenswood slander!
May 14, 2025 at 4:53 PM
I will not stand for this Marion Ravenswood slander!
“It’s-a me, Mario! Yahoo!”
May 9, 2025 at 9:50 PM
“It’s-a me, Mario! Yahoo!”
My office is in downtown Chicago, across the street from a Catholic Church.
When Chicago Pope was announced, the church bells rang and a parishioner stood out front - double pumping his fists in the air like the Bulls had just won another ring.
When Chicago Pope was announced, the church bells rang and a parishioner stood out front - double pumping his fists in the air like the Bulls had just won another ring.
May 9, 2025 at 6:37 PM
My office is in downtown Chicago, across the street from a Catholic Church.
When Chicago Pope was announced, the church bells rang and a parishioner stood out front - double pumping his fists in the air like the Bulls had just won another ring.
When Chicago Pope was announced, the church bells rang and a parishioner stood out front - double pumping his fists in the air like the Bulls had just won another ring.
Please help.
I’ve been working out for 8 years, look great, and am too old to chase a sugar daddy.
I’ve been working out for 8 years, look great, and am too old to chase a sugar daddy.
May 9, 2025 at 6:34 PM
Please help.
I’ve been working out for 8 years, look great, and am too old to chase a sugar daddy.
I’ve been working out for 8 years, look great, and am too old to chase a sugar daddy.
Reposted by Matt Fried
overheard at Burbank airport: “it’s giving Burbank airport”
May 9, 2025 at 1:33 PM
overheard at Burbank airport: “it’s giving Burbank airport”
Reposted by Matt Fried
Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing
theonion.com/cardina...
theonion.com/cardina...
May 9, 2025 at 3:00 PM
Cardinal Passed Over For Pope Devoted Life To God For Nothing
theonion.com/cardina...
theonion.com/cardina...
Coming this fall, from Dick Wolf:
CHICAGO POPE
CHICAGO POPE
May 8, 2025 at 5:33 PM
Coming this fall, from Dick Wolf:
CHICAGO POPE
CHICAGO POPE
Reposted by Matt Fried
“I hope this stranger’s groin is OK. There’s a lot of money riding on it.”
Fantasy baseball fever CATCH IT!
Fantasy baseball fever CATCH IT!
May 8, 2025 at 2:06 PM
“I hope this stranger’s groin is OK. There’s a lot of money riding on it.”
Fantasy baseball fever CATCH IT!
Fantasy baseball fever CATCH IT!
I welcome mockery from Gen Z while wearing very comfortable Crocs.
May 8, 2025 at 2:18 PM
I welcome mockery from Gen Z while wearing very comfortable Crocs.