Evil Santa
@fritterfatboy.bsky.social
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If I reply "well played" that's my way of saying "fuck you for being funnier than me".
March 11, 2025 at 3:00 AM
If I reply "well played" that's my way of saying "fuck you for being funnier than me".
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i have a migraine
-italian farmer
-italian farmer
March 1, 2025 at 12:29 AM
i have a migraine
-italian farmer
-italian farmer
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[restaurant]
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
February 27, 2025 at 1:36 PM
[restaurant]
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
waiter: would you like water?
me: yes please
waiter: still?
me: I literally just said yes
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Still punk as fuck, I murmur as I download a new weather app
February 22, 2025 at 2:01 PM
Still punk as fuck, I murmur as I download a new weather app
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Dear Manager,
1. I drank a whiskey drink.
2. I drank a vodka drink.
3. I drank a lager drink.
4. I drank a cider drink.
5. I sang the songs that remind me of the good times; I sang the songs that remind me of the better times.
1. I drank a whiskey drink.
2. I drank a vodka drink.
3. I drank a lager drink.
4. I drank a cider drink.
5. I sang the songs that remind me of the good times; I sang the songs that remind me of the better times.
February 23, 2025 at 3:39 PM
Dear Manager,
1. I drank a whiskey drink.
2. I drank a vodka drink.
3. I drank a lager drink.
4. I drank a cider drink.
5. I sang the songs that remind me of the good times; I sang the songs that remind me of the better times.
1. I drank a whiskey drink.
2. I drank a vodka drink.
3. I drank a lager drink.
4. I drank a cider drink.
5. I sang the songs that remind me of the good times; I sang the songs that remind me of the better times.
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So patronizing when the dentist patiently explains how to floss. I'm not a baby who doesn't know how to do basic things. I'm a baby who doesn't wanna
February 22, 2025 at 2:05 PM
So patronizing when the dentist patiently explains how to floss. I'm not a baby who doesn't know how to do basic things. I'm a baby who doesn't wanna
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me: *holds up drawing* is this the guy?
witness: that looks nothing like him
me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
witness: that looks nothing like him
me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
February 20, 2025 at 7:57 PM
me: *holds up drawing* is this the guy?
witness: that looks nothing like him
me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
witness: that looks nothing like him
me: *furiously shaking Etch-a-Sketch* YOU DO IT THEN
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when gwen stefani said “this shit is bananas” my first thought was “hold up. how do you spell that”
February 20, 2025 at 2:41 AM
when gwen stefani said “this shit is bananas” my first thought was “hold up. how do you spell that”
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My family crest has a toaster hanging precariously over a bathtub
February 19, 2025 at 4:28 PM
My family crest has a toaster hanging precariously over a bathtub
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i got a cheese omelette, home fries, and a subpoena
February 16, 2025 at 5:03 PM
i got a cheese omelette, home fries, and a subpoena
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Sometimes I think of how dumb I was as a child and how dumb I am now and I marvel in the continuity of it.
February 12, 2025 at 6:42 PM
Sometimes I think of how dumb I was as a child and how dumb I am now and I marvel in the continuity of it.
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Nobody:
These fuckn eyelashes: lemme fall in this nigga eyeball
These fuckn eyelashes: lemme fall in this nigga eyeball
February 12, 2025 at 4:40 PM
Nobody:
These fuckn eyelashes: lemme fall in this nigga eyeball
These fuckn eyelashes: lemme fall in this nigga eyeball
Working from home is more common. Alcohol sales are up. Work emails make less sense.
Totally unrelated facts
Totally unrelated facts
February 12, 2025 at 1:15 PM
Working from home is more common. Alcohol sales are up. Work emails make less sense.
Totally unrelated facts
Totally unrelated facts
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I miss working with mediocre developers, every design review was like an episode of Nailed It
February 11, 2025 at 4:04 PM
I miss working with mediocre developers, every design review was like an episode of Nailed It
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tell me without telling me that she has to finish herself off after you fall asleep
February 11, 2025 at 1:32 PM
tell me without telling me that she has to finish herself off after you fall asleep
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All I'm saying is my wife would've dragged Jolene by the hair and made a fine ginger paste out of her for trying to take her man.
February 11, 2025 at 12:56 PM
All I'm saying is my wife would've dragged Jolene by the hair and made a fine ginger paste out of her for trying to take her man.
I’m no expert on these things but if I was on a board of advisors for spies, I don’t think I’d skeet about it
Great event tonight at International Spy Museum, where I proudly serve on the Board of Advisors, with former National Security Advisor (and my former client) H.R. McMasters
February 11, 2025 at 1:20 PM
I’m no expert on these things but if I was on a board of advisors for spies, I don’t think I’d skeet about it
Reposted by Evil Santa
once again starting over on my life goal to finish an entire tube of chapstick before losing it
February 11, 2025 at 1:39 AM
once again starting over on my life goal to finish an entire tube of chapstick before losing it
Reposted by Evil Santa
"Come alone" is something criminals say and lonely people do.
February 10, 2025 at 10:09 PM
"Come alone" is something criminals say and lonely people do.
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it's not a blow job it's a blow career
February 11, 2025 at 12:22 AM
it's not a blow job it's a blow career
Reposted by Evil Santa
Well, I betcha someone’s feeling pretty darn silly right about now.
February 10, 2025 at 1:42 PM
Well, I betcha someone’s feeling pretty darn silly right about now.
Reposted by Evil Santa
Today, we at Google have a new product: what if you could could ask an app a question? Oh, we do that already? Well, what if we were a little bit worse at it? What if we also sometimes gave you egregiously wrong information? And what if it cost a billion dollars? Still not interested? It's mandatory
February 10, 2025 at 3:33 AM
Today, we at Google have a new product: what if you could could ask an app a question? Oh, we do that already? Well, what if we were a little bit worse at it? What if we also sometimes gave you egregiously wrong information? And what if it cost a billion dollars? Still not interested? It's mandatory
Lobotomy detection button. AKA: the “add comment” button below any news story
February 10, 2025 at 10:52 AM
Lobotomy detection button. AKA: the “add comment” button below any news story