Reposted by VonTraphaus
HR director, flanked by house counsel and the CEO: it took many months of negotiations with the union, and changing state labor laws, but I am officially now allowed to warn you that if you persist in doing the Luigi voice during company time, you will be instantly fired.
Me: Okey dokey!
Me: Okey dokey!
October 20, 2024 at 8:17 AM
HR director, flanked by house counsel and the CEO: it took many months of negotiations with the union, and changing state labor laws, but I am officially now allowed to warn you that if you persist in doing the Luigi voice during company time, you will be instantly fired.
Me: Okey dokey!
Me: Okey dokey!
Apparently all science’s talk about “acknowledging lived experiences” goes out the window when it comes time to have an honest conversation about constitutes a single serving of candy
November 19, 2025 at 4:47 AM
Apparently all science’s talk about “acknowledging lived experiences” goes out the window when it comes time to have an honest conversation about constitutes a single serving of candy
Reposted by VonTraphaus
i don’t care what it promises this time, i’m never trusting the spider robot again, if that’s even its real name
November 19, 2025 at 3:55 AM
i don’t care what it promises this time, i’m never trusting the spider robot again, if that’s even its real name
2000: YOU WOULDNT STEAL A PAINTING
2025: we had to steal every painting in the world so our customers can get out of paying to have future art of any kind created
2025: we had to steal every painting in the world so our customers can get out of paying to have future art of any kind created
November 19, 2025 at 4:27 AM
2000: YOU WOULDNT STEAL A PAINTING
2025: we had to steal every painting in the world so our customers can get out of paying to have future art of any kind created
2025: we had to steal every painting in the world so our customers can get out of paying to have future art of any kind created
Throw me to the wolves and I’ll emerge with a whole pack who have a deep understanding of animorphs lore
November 19, 2025 at 2:35 AM
Throw me to the wolves and I’ll emerge with a whole pack who have a deep understanding of animorphs lore
Reposted by VonTraphaus
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i am going to steer this ship into the rocks
November 19, 2024 at 3:06 PM
those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i am going to steer this ship into the rocks
Therapist is asking some pointed questions about when she can expect to see my Spotify wrapped results
November 18, 2025 at 5:25 AM
Therapist is asking some pointed questions about when she can expect to see my Spotify wrapped results
Reposted by VonTraphaus
New research confirms that overexposure to political skeets gives you the heebie-jeebies.
The antidote is shitposting.
The antidote is shitposting.
November 10, 2025 at 3:44 PM
New research confirms that overexposure to political skeets gives you the heebie-jeebies.
The antidote is shitposting.
The antidote is shitposting.
Reposted by VonTraphaus
Reposted by VonTraphaus
That upstream service is living in an uptown world again.
November 11, 2025 at 7:44 PM
That upstream service is living in an uptown world again.
Reposted by VonTraphaus
In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.
August 5, 2023 at 1:11 PM
In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.
Reposted by VonTraphaus
I strive to be the sort of man who would not have a boa constrictor as a pet
October 24, 2025 at 9:51 PM
I strive to be the sort of man who would not have a boa constrictor as a pet
Reposted by VonTraphaus
[in line at airport security]
...anyway all I'm saying is, if you're gonna pee in the shower, do it first thing
...anyway all I'm saying is, if you're gonna pee in the shower, do it first thing
November 8, 2025 at 2:59 AM
[in line at airport security]
...anyway all I'm saying is, if you're gonna pee in the shower, do it first thing
...anyway all I'm saying is, if you're gonna pee in the shower, do it first thing
Reposted by VonTraphaus
There's always some asshole
October 21, 2025 at 3:15 PM
There's always some asshole
Effective immediately New York comes under Shania law. First order of business: if you’re not in it for love, you’re outta here
November 12, 2025 at 3:43 AM
Effective immediately New York comes under Shania law. First order of business: if you’re not in it for love, you’re outta here
If I was a monk and I didn’t feel like doing prayer or whatever I’d probably call in horny to work
November 11, 2025 at 3:39 AM
If I was a monk and I didn’t feel like doing prayer or whatever I’d probably call in horny to work
I’ve decided to become an Instagram butt model
November 11, 2025 at 3:35 AM
I’ve decided to become an Instagram butt model
The scene in seven samurai where the veterans teach the unskilled villagers how to defend themselves from bandits, but it’s me showing Gen Z to make teams show as permanently online, and the best way to sneak into work late without the execs noticing
November 11, 2025 at 12:39 AM
The scene in seven samurai where the veterans teach the unskilled villagers how to defend themselves from bandits, but it’s me showing Gen Z to make teams show as permanently online, and the best way to sneak into work late without the execs noticing
The lion does not concern himself with Apple Care
November 10, 2025 at 9:36 PM
The lion does not concern himself with Apple Care
Reposted by VonTraphaus
If I’d stolen those jewels I’d just sit at home wearing them.
November 4, 2025 at 7:39 AM
If I’d stolen those jewels I’d just sit at home wearing them.
No mentally healthy person has printed out their own tweets
November 4, 2025 at 9:30 AM
No mentally healthy person has printed out their own tweets
Reposted by VonTraphaus
Somehow got negative 8 hours of sleep
August 23, 2025 at 3:32 PM
Somehow got negative 8 hours of sleep
Me: I can’t explain why, but I feel my pee at the urinals doesn’t reach maximum effectiveness unless I take my whole cock out including the balls
Priest: ok, for the second time: that isn’t a sin and we aren’t in confessional right now
Priest: ok, for the second time: that isn’t a sin and we aren’t in confessional right now
October 28, 2025 at 1:16 AM
Me: I can’t explain why, but I feel my pee at the urinals doesn’t reach maximum effectiveness unless I take my whole cock out including the balls
Priest: ok, for the second time: that isn’t a sin and we aren’t in confessional right now
Priest: ok, for the second time: that isn’t a sin and we aren’t in confessional right now
In lieu of improved workplace conditions, HR has enrolled you in mandatory psychological health trainings you most complete every month or face disciplinary action for being non compliant
October 26, 2025 at 11:16 PM
In lieu of improved workplace conditions, HR has enrolled you in mandatory psychological health trainings you most complete every month or face disciplinary action for being non compliant
Baby, we’ve been together for a while now, and I think it’s time we take this to the next level
*gets down on one knee, takes a ring out of my pocket*
Will you carry this cool ring in your purse for me?
*gets down on one knee, takes a ring out of my pocket*
Will you carry this cool ring in your purse for me?
October 24, 2025 at 8:44 AM
Baby, we’ve been together for a while now, and I think it’s time we take this to the next level
*gets down on one knee, takes a ring out of my pocket*
Will you carry this cool ring in your purse for me?
*gets down on one knee, takes a ring out of my pocket*
Will you carry this cool ring in your purse for me?