Shawn Carlow
@shawncarlow.bsky.social
Writer/Comedian/Producer
Author of People of the Titanic - Out right now from @HumoristBooks.bsky.social
www.ShawnCarlowWrites.com
Author of People of the Titanic - Out right now from @HumoristBooks.bsky.social
www.ShawnCarlowWrites.com
Pinned
Shawn Carlow
@shawncarlow.bsky.social
· Jul 20
Why is Arizona's state motto "God enriches" and not "Welcome to our Cactus-filled Oven"?
My grandmother -- as they were driving her off to the asylum.
November 18, 2025 at 5:34 PM
My grandmother -- as they were driving her off to the asylum.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
If I spontaneously combust tonight, please know it was to avoid going to my job tomorrow and I died doing what I loved: not working.
November 18, 2025 at 1:48 AM
If I spontaneously combust tonight, please know it was to avoid going to my job tomorrow and I died doing what I loved: not working.
Do I need to take medication, no.
Do I feel left out, for certains.
That’s why I take Wixarin for my back of knee health.
Do I feel left out, for certains.
That’s why I take Wixarin for my back of knee health.
November 17, 2025 at 11:01 PM
Do I need to take medication, no.
Do I feel left out, for certains.
That’s why I take Wixarin for my back of knee health.
Do I feel left out, for certains.
That’s why I take Wixarin for my back of knee health.
Here are the five new Mountain Dew flavors being unveiled in 2026:
Taint Rip
Ugh!
Orange Backwash
Fire Locket
Blown Up Guts
Taint Rip
Ugh!
Orange Backwash
Fire Locket
Blown Up Guts
November 17, 2025 at 8:03 PM
Here are the five new Mountain Dew flavors being unveiled in 2026:
Taint Rip
Ugh!
Orange Backwash
Fire Locket
Blown Up Guts
Taint Rip
Ugh!
Orange Backwash
Fire Locket
Blown Up Guts
Driving up to the car show, arm at a jaunty angle out the window:
“Weep, ye mighty, and despair!”
(I park in a central spot, all eyes jealously devouring my wares, and exit my Yugo)
“Weep, ye mighty, and despair!”
(I park in a central spot, all eyes jealously devouring my wares, and exit my Yugo)
November 17, 2025 at 2:32 AM
Driving up to the car show, arm at a jaunty angle out the window:
“Weep, ye mighty, and despair!”
(I park in a central spot, all eyes jealously devouring my wares, and exit my Yugo)
“Weep, ye mighty, and despair!”
(I park in a central spot, all eyes jealously devouring my wares, and exit my Yugo)
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
finally……. another entry in the LORENZO’S OIL cinematic universe
November 17, 2025 at 2:24 AM
finally……. another entry in the LORENZO’S OIL cinematic universe
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
I can tell this salmon was farm-raised because of its work ethic
November 17, 2025 at 1:03 AM
I can tell this salmon was farm-raised because of its work ethic
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
WIFE: do you have a girlfriend
ME: yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different family
ME: yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different family
November 16, 2025 at 8:37 PM
WIFE: do you have a girlfriend
ME: yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different family
ME: yeah but you don’t know her she goes to a different family
Just walked by some guy and ran my forefinger across my neck.
But now I've just been told that that doesn't mean, "You'd look nicer in a collared shirt."
But now I've just been told that that doesn't mean, "You'd look nicer in a collared shirt."
November 16, 2025 at 6:34 PM
Just walked by some guy and ran my forefinger across my neck.
But now I've just been told that that doesn't mean, "You'd look nicer in a collared shirt."
But now I've just been told that that doesn't mean, "You'd look nicer in a collared shirt."
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
Fire Marshal: "There are too many kung fu fighters in here"
November 16, 2025 at 2:17 AM
Fire Marshal: "There are too many kung fu fighters in here"
I've just invented gravy-flavored Peeps, and now Thanksgiving has its own signature candy.
November 15, 2025 at 6:21 PM
I've just invented gravy-flavored Peeps, and now Thanksgiving has its own signature candy.
Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window. Welcome to defenestration.
November 14, 2025 at 10:42 PM
Whenever God closes a door, he opens a window. Welcome to defenestration.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
🎶
Give me the beets, boys
Stain my soul
I want my lips looking red n' swole
Give me the beets, boys
Stain my soul
I want my lips looking red n' swole
November 14, 2025 at 3:05 PM
🎶
Give me the beets, boys
Stain my soul
I want my lips looking red n' swole
Give me the beets, boys
Stain my soul
I want my lips looking red n' swole
Finally got my Cybertruck delivered and went for a drive. The autopilot function took over and drove me off the side of a highway, and the vehicle cracked in half, propelling my custom "Elon head" steering wheel to break off and roll into a sewer drain. Can only give it three stars.
November 14, 2025 at 6:02 PM
Finally got my Cybertruck delivered and went for a drive. The autopilot function took over and drove me off the side of a highway, and the vehicle cracked in half, propelling my custom "Elon head" steering wheel to break off and roll into a sewer drain. Can only give it three stars.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
Give a man a fish and someone with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about people getting free handouts. Teach a man to fish? Yeah, that person with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about that too.
November 14, 2025 at 1:28 AM
Give a man a fish and someone with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about people getting free handouts. Teach a man to fish? Yeah, that person with a thousand fishes is going to bitch about that too.
Do you think the Fleshlight’s maker had a whole research and development team, or had someone at the company just gotten erect during a power outage and accidentally walked dick-first into a flashlight?
November 14, 2025 at 7:05 AM
Do you think the Fleshlight’s maker had a whole research and development team, or had someone at the company just gotten erect during a power outage and accidentally walked dick-first into a flashlight?
New season of Stranger Things debuts soon, and our cat, for one, is already prepped and ready to watch.
November 13, 2025 at 10:05 PM
New season of Stranger Things debuts soon, and our cat, for one, is already prepped and ready to watch.
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles https://theonion.com/trump-denies-writing-36-volume-comic-titled-don-and-jeff-time-pedophiles/
November 13, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Trump Denies Writing 36-Volume Comic Titled ‘Don And Jeff: Time Pedophiles https://theonion.com/trump-denies-writing-36-volume-comic-titled-don-and-jeff-time-pedophiles/
Reposted by Shawn Carlow
My girlfriend is so sweet! She asked if I wanted a MEDAL just for emptying the dishwasher!
November 13, 2025 at 6:02 AM
My girlfriend is so sweet! She asked if I wanted a MEDAL just for emptying the dishwasher!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. Or it may feel it has a score to settle.
November 13, 2025 at 4:56 PM
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours. Or it may feel it has a score to settle.
“Let us pray that the truth about the Epstein files never comes out. Amen.”
November 13, 2025 at 3:11 AM
“Let us pray that the truth about the Epstein files never comes out. Amen.”
Bravo to Disney for not taking the easy way with the next Lion King. I think Rasholion (4 different characters proving that experience is perhaps illusory as each narrates the events of the Lion King) is going to be great.
November 12, 2025 at 4:17 PM
Bravo to Disney for not taking the easy way with the next Lion King. I think Rasholion (4 different characters proving that experience is perhaps illusory as each narrates the events of the Lion King) is going to be great.
Trying out the new Beethoven fragrance, Eau De Joy.
November 12, 2025 at 2:01 AM
Trying out the new Beethoven fragrance, Eau De Joy.
Thanks, veterans! Sorry for all the unnecessary wars!
November 11, 2025 at 5:48 PM
Thanks, veterans! Sorry for all the unnecessary wars!
"When I die, I want to find out who landscaped the grassy knoll that day in Dallas. It was pristine and immaculate." -- most gardeners
November 11, 2025 at 2:02 AM
"When I die, I want to find out who landscaped the grassy knoll that day in Dallas. It was pristine and immaculate." -- most gardeners