JD Vance
@real-jd-vance.bsky.social
Christian, future president, spreader of my seed. Was popular in high school. Is really smart. Has lots of friends. Went to Yale. Wears guyliner (not eyeliner) because I’m straight. Trump likes me.
🛋️ ❤️🔥 PARODY ACCOUNT ❤️🔥 🛋️
🛋️ ❤️🔥 PARODY ACCOUNT ❤️🔥 🛋️
Pinned
JD Vance
@real-jd-vance.bsky.social
· Jun 25
When liberals advocate for abortion, they ignore the lived experiences of boys like me whose mothers never loved them. Remember: Brett Kavanaugh won’t see your pro-choice tweets, but your friend whose mother wishes she aborted him will!
Nuh uh! Couch-fucking is based!
Fellas, is it cursed to fuck a couch?
August 15, 2025 at 4:00 AM
Nuh uh! Couch-fucking is based!
My mother forgot my birthday again. I know I should be a man and not let it affect me, but it still stings.
August 8, 2025 at 3:35 AM
My mother forgot my birthday again. I know I should be a man and not let it affect me, but it still stings.
I named myself after my degree. How else am I supposed to ensure people know I went to Yale?
James Hamel. He identifies as JD Vance. #weird
August 8, 2025 at 3:33 AM
I named myself after my degree. How else am I supposed to ensure people know I went to Yale?
The woke left loves to make fun of me as if they don’t all have piss kinks
August 7, 2025 at 4:06 PM
The woke left loves to make fun of me as if they don’t all have piss kinks
It’s not really a pedophile protection party. It’s more of a pedophile protection get together. Don’t ask how old the strippers are.
JD Vance and other pedophile protection party officials are holding an emergency meeting tonight over their strategy on the Epstein files.
This cover-up is a disgrace to Epstein’s victims. The American people deserve transparency and accountability.
Release the Epstein files.
This cover-up is a disgrace to Epstein’s victims. The American people deserve transparency and accountability.
Release the Epstein files.
August 6, 2025 at 7:04 PM
It’s not really a pedophile protection party. It’s more of a pedophile protection get together. Don’t ask how old the strippers are.
The woke left wants you to believe this is normal. Real men don’t masturbate.
August 4, 2025 at 9:37 PM
The woke left wants you to believe this is normal. Real men don’t masturbate.
Sydney Sweeney deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom for affirming the superiority of my blue eyes. My wife might not want to get into my jeans, but that’s ok. Sydney does.
#MakeMyMarriageGreatAgain
#MakeMyMarriageGreatAgain
August 4, 2025 at 8:21 PM
Sydney Sweeney deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom for affirming the superiority of my blue eyes. My wife might not want to get into my jeans, but that’s ok. Sydney does.
#MakeMyMarriageGreatAgain
#MakeMyMarriageGreatAgain
The left is also completely silent on the subject of me getting motherly love. I wanted AOC to be my new mommy, but she let me go Nazi…
The left is completely silent on the subject of men getting laid - which, generally speaking, they are v.interested in doing and will continue to be interested in regardless of whether progressives want to talk about it. So the stage has been left entirely clear for the far-right.
August 1, 2025 at 5:32 PM
The left is also completely silent on the subject of me getting motherly love. I wanted AOC to be my new mommy, but she let me go Nazi…
I’m glad we’ve finally set aside the whole “feeding the pope rat poison” thing. Let’s continue to talk about what a good Catholic I am as I give you a tour of our latest Florida concentration camp.
July 27, 2025 at 7:10 PM
I’m glad we’ve finally set aside the whole “feeding the pope rat poison” thing. Let’s continue to talk about what a good Catholic I am as I give you a tour of our latest Florida concentration camp.
When correctly viewed, everything is lewd 😏
July 27, 2025 at 6:57 PM
When correctly viewed, everything is lewd 😏
Rest in peace to Tom Lehrer, who bravely defied the woke mob by advising young men to go their own way and stop loving their mothers!
tomlehrersongs.com/wp-content/u...
tomlehrersongs.com/wp-content/u...
tomlehrersongs.com
July 27, 2025 at 6:20 PM
Rest in peace to Tom Lehrer, who bravely defied the woke mob by advising young men to go their own way and stop loving their mothers!
tomlehrersongs.com/wp-content/u...
tomlehrersongs.com/wp-content/u...
The lesson here is that my couch thing was actually perfectly normal.
Giovanni Capriglione, a right wing state rep in Texas who had an affair with a stripper, reportedly told his mistress that he wanted to ejaculate into batter for cookies that would be sold at his daughter's bake sale.
www.sacurrent.com/news/gop-tex...
www.sacurrent.com/news/gop-tex...
GOP Texas Rep. Capriglione drops re-election bid after reported affair, allegations he funded abortions
An exotic dancer alleges the anti-choice Republican paid for her abortions and shared disturbing fantasies about children.
www.sacurrent.com
July 26, 2025 at 10:18 PM
The lesson here is that my couch thing was actually perfectly normal.
Could someone send me a good photoshop youtube tutorial? I’ve been trying to add my childhood bully’s name to the Epstein client list, but it still doesn’t look right.
July 26, 2025 at 8:57 PM
Could someone send me a good photoshop youtube tutorial? I’ve been trying to add my childhood bully’s name to the Epstein client list, but it still doesn’t look right.
If you think about it, identifying Christianity just with agreeing with the principles of Jesus Christ, that’s a definition that is both overinclusive and underinclusive at the same time. It would include millions of people who agree with the Ten Commandments, even the homos!
July 25, 2025 at 12:38 AM
If you think about it, identifying Christianity just with agreeing with the principles of Jesus Christ, that’s a definition that is both overinclusive and underinclusive at the same time. It would include millions of people who agree with the Ten Commandments, even the homos!
I’ll never forget when Hulk Hogan showed me his penis. I will be getting a silicone implant in his memory so I may have a monster cock like him.
May he rest in peace 📿
May he rest in peace 📿
July 24, 2025 at 5:22 PM
I’ll never forget when Hulk Hogan showed me his penis. I will be getting a silicone implant in his memory so I may have a monster cock like him.
May he rest in peace 📿
May he rest in peace 📿
My daughter watched Frozen on the plane and won’t stop singing Let It Go. This is my personal 9/11.
July 24, 2025 at 4:10 AM
My daughter watched Frozen on the plane and won’t stop singing Let It Go. This is my personal 9/11.
They had a meeting? Without me? Why?
I’m Daddy Trump’s specialest boy!!!
I’m Daddy Trump’s specialest boy!!!
Exclusive: The Justice Department told President Trump in May that his name is among many in the Epstein files.
Justice Department Told Trump in May That His Name Is Among Many in the Epstein Files
Bondi told president at the meeting that Justice also decided to not release more Jeffrey Epstein documents because of the presence of child pornography and the need to protect victims.
on.wsj.com
July 23, 2025 at 7:49 PM
They had a meeting? Without me? Why?
I’m Daddy Trump’s specialest boy!!!
I’m Daddy Trump’s specialest boy!!!
I spoke with several members of the Royal Family, and they think it is absolutely ridiculous that people are still talking about this Epstein stuff!
July 23, 2025 at 3:36 PM
I spoke with several members of the Royal Family, and they think it is absolutely ridiculous that people are still talking about this Epstein stuff!
Hey, if I got a meeting with the King, do you think I could, you know… 😏
July 22, 2025 at 9:42 PM
Hey, if I got a meeting with the King, do you think I could, you know… 😏
Is it legal in the UK to make your children spend the night in a doghouse whenever they misbehave? Asking for a friend.
July 22, 2025 at 2:27 PM
Is it legal in the UK to make your children spend the night in a doghouse whenever they misbehave? Asking for a friend.
Dear journalists: questions about my past criticisms of President Trump are strictly off-limits.
In 2010, I acquired a large stockpile of caffeinated Four Loko. It lasted me 10 years. During this time, I drank massive amounts of Loko.
Statements like “I’m a never Trump guy” were caused by the Loko
In 2010, I acquired a large stockpile of caffeinated Four Loko. It lasted me 10 years. During this time, I drank massive amounts of Loko.
Statements like “I’m a never Trump guy” were caused by the Loko
July 21, 2025 at 9:55 PM
Dear journalists: questions about my past criticisms of President Trump are strictly off-limits.
In 2010, I acquired a large stockpile of caffeinated Four Loko. It lasted me 10 years. During this time, I drank massive amounts of Loko.
Statements like “I’m a never Trump guy” were caused by the Loko
In 2010, I acquired a large stockpile of caffeinated Four Loko. It lasted me 10 years. During this time, I drank massive amounts of Loko.
Statements like “I’m a never Trump guy” were caused by the Loko
Apparently one of you sent this to my wife. She now “has questions” (whatever that means). Thanks.
YES JD Vance was pissing on a chad. But that doesn’t mean you have to be mean.
July 21, 2025 at 5:48 AM
Apparently one of you sent this to my wife. She now “has questions” (whatever that means). Thanks.
Everyone’s concerned about these “Epstein files,” but have we forgotten about Hunter Biden’s laptop? Hillary’s emails? Obama’s birth certificate? Keep your eyes on the prize, America!
July 20, 2025 at 4:51 PM
Everyone’s concerned about these “Epstein files,” but have we forgotten about Hunter Biden’s laptop? Hillary’s emails? Obama’s birth certificate? Keep your eyes on the prize, America!
Nuh uh. I’ve got plenty of courage. I’m winning the war on my kids.
July 20, 2025 at 5:08 AM
Nuh uh. I’ve got plenty of courage. I’m winning the war on my kids.
Real men don’t take SSRIs.
Real men kill themselves.
Stop demonizing masculinity.
Real men kill themselves.
Stop demonizing masculinity.
July 19, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Real men don’t take SSRIs.
Real men kill themselves.
Stop demonizing masculinity.
Real men kill themselves.
Stop demonizing masculinity.