you’ve heard of Turducken, now get ready for Chifisharette!

I'm the guy who comes up with every new Oreo idea. They come in and hit me in the temple with a pipe until I yell something like "old-world tomato and basil!!" then they leave me alone for a few days. The end of the pipe is wrapped in some sort of nerf foam but it still fucks up my orbital bones.

The problem with that "First they came for" poem is it makes a lot of unlikely assumptions. For example it assumes they would ever come for me

people from history are dumb as hell. don’t have xbox. don’t have toilet.

the senators recoil in horror as a wounded Caesar rises from the floor and a second health bar appears on the screen

BTS stands for Battle Tar Salactica

Oh hey Mr. Canary, you takin' a little canary nap? You deserve it, workin' so hard down here in the dark.

if they made a Diet Coke with 1.5x as much caffeine most -- if not all -- of the world's problems would be solved

I invested a bunch of money into a company that makes guillotines.
I'd love to get rich off of it. But not TOO rich.

*At a party*

STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?

ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.

do you know how easy it is to cut mustard