Jeremy Hellwig
@jeremyhellwig.bsky.social
I do standup. Member of Fatal Bus Accident. Probably other stuff.
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
I've noticed the opposing team's fans only cheer when the opponents score on us. To win those fans over, I recommend we score on ourselves repeatedly; that will surely make them so happy they'll start supporting us. And I'm sure all our fans will keep cheering for us—who else is there to cheer for?
October 10, 2025 at 12:19 PM
I've noticed the opposing team's fans only cheer when the opponents score on us. To win those fans over, I recommend we score on ourselves repeatedly; that will surely make them so happy they'll start supporting us. And I'm sure all our fans will keep cheering for us—who else is there to cheer for?
My debut standup album is available for pre-order. It's very good and I think you will enjoy it. Also, my wife has a romance novel coming out later this month, and if you pre-order both of them, we'll mail you one item we found in our house.
November 10, 2025 at 4:29 PM
My debut standup album is available for pre-order. It's very good and I think you will enjoy it. Also, my wife has a romance novel coming out later this month, and if you pre-order both of them, we'll mail you one item we found in our house.
Devin has been working on this book for years, and I know from reading some of his articles and listening to some podcast appearances that this is going to be really good. Pre-order it from your favorite local bookstore.
November 7, 2025 at 2:16 PM
Devin has been working on this book for years, and I know from reading some of his articles and listening to some podcast appearances that this is going to be really good. Pre-order it from your favorite local bookstore.
Next week my album goes on presale, I get to be part of Flyover Comedy Festival, and I get to announce that Fatal Bus Accident got into a really awesome festival next year. It's going to be a great week!
November 6, 2025 at 5:33 PM
Next week my album goes on presale, I get to be part of Flyover Comedy Festival, and I get to announce that Fatal Bus Accident got into a really awesome festival next year. It's going to be a great week!
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
Head in hands wondering how this could happen to me, the popular president who posted a video of myself shitting on everyone 2 weeks ago
November 5, 2025 at 1:57 AM
Head in hands wondering how this could happen to me, the popular president who posted a video of myself shitting on everyone 2 weeks ago
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
on the topic of dick cheney, one thing i’ve always said is that you shouldn’t kill a million people
November 4, 2025 at 12:07 PM
on the topic of dick cheney, one thing i’ve always said is that you shouldn’t kill a million people
Just turned on Monday Night Football, and maybe I'm a traditionalist, but if you're going to cover Phil Collins, you should have to play the drums while singing.
October 28, 2025 at 12:03 AM
Just turned on Monday Night Football, and maybe I'm a traditionalist, but if you're going to cover Phil Collins, you should have to play the drums while singing.
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
i know it sucks but it must feel a little fun to be that guy with the backhoe destroying the white house. that’s like the final boss of operating heavy machinery
October 21, 2025 at 9:03 PM
i know it sucks but it must feel a little fun to be that guy with the backhoe destroying the white house. that’s like the final boss of operating heavy machinery
Shoot for the moon, and if you miss, you'll be among the moon.
October 10, 2025 at 1:49 AM
Shoot for the moon, and if you miss, you'll be among the moon.
Reconnected with someone on Facebook a few years after college. Now we've been married 10 years.
Has anything great happened in your life because of social media?
October 10, 2025 at 1:33 AM
Reconnected with someone on Facebook a few years after college. Now we've been married 10 years.
Dracula is a wild book. This woman is showing the exact same symptoms as her friend that they all know was slowly drained by a vampire, and all the men are like "we'd better not burden her with details of our plan. Her lady brain can't handle the stress and it's already making her pale and weak."
October 8, 2025 at 6:24 PM
Dracula is a wild book. This woman is showing the exact same symptoms as her friend that they all know was slowly drained by a vampire, and all the men are like "we'd better not burden her with details of our plan. Her lady brain can't handle the stress and it's already making her pale and weak."
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
“I’m strong and I want to have like fifty kids and a farm” of course you do. You’re twelve. “I don’t want to eat vegetables I think steak and French fries is the only meal” hell yeah homie you’re twelve. “Maybe if there’s crime we should just send the army” bless your heart my twelve year old buddy
September 8, 2025 at 12:51 AM
“I’m strong and I want to have like fifty kids and a farm” of course you do. You’re twelve. “I don’t want to eat vegetables I think steak and French fries is the only meal” hell yeah homie you’re twelve. “Maybe if there’s crime we should just send the army” bless your heart my twelve year old buddy
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
working on a new unified theory of american reality i'm calling "everyone is twelve now"
September 8, 2025 at 12:37 AM
working on a new unified theory of american reality i'm calling "everyone is twelve now"
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
My 11yo daughter just walked in the room, looked at the tv, and said "is that a meme." I get she's new to internet culture but no. That is Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant smoking crack. It would be a fire meme tho
September 18, 2024 at 4:34 AM
My 11yo daughter just walked in the room, looked at the tv, and said "is that a meme." I get she's new to internet culture but no. That is Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant smoking crack. It would be a fire meme tho
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
HEGSETH: *points to general's ribbon bars* "What'd you get that one for? Fucking your mother?"
GENERAL: *sternly* killing vietnamese children
GENERAL: *sternly* killing vietnamese children
September 30, 2025 at 2:55 PM
HEGSETH: *points to general's ribbon bars* "What'd you get that one for? Fucking your mother?"
GENERAL: *sternly* killing vietnamese children
GENERAL: *sternly* killing vietnamese children
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
A lot of people think that every international student admitted means one fewer spot for domestic students, when the opposite is more likely true - the tuition revenue international students bring allows public universities to provide substantial discounts to domestic students, improving access.
September 29, 2025 at 8:18 PM
A lot of people think that every international student admitted means one fewer spot for domestic students, when the opposite is more likely true - the tuition revenue international students bring allows public universities to provide substantial discounts to domestic students, improving access.
Share your favorite black and white movie.
I love The Apartment so much, but I could see thinking of a better favorite if I spent more time on it.
I love The Apartment so much, but I could see thinking of a better favorite if I spent more time on it.
September 24, 2025 at 6:20 AM
Share your favorite black and white movie.
I love The Apartment so much, but I could see thinking of a better favorite if I spent more time on it.
I love The Apartment so much, but I could see thinking of a better favorite if I spent more time on it.
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
The president flexed the full extent of his power to give a late night show’s staff a five day hiatus.
September 22, 2025 at 8:14 PM
The president flexed the full extent of his power to give a late night show’s staff a five day hiatus.
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
The idea that the combined MMR is dangerous but separately the vaccines are fine was created out of whole cloth by Andrew Wakefield, a disgraced former doctor who had a patent on a non-combined version of the MMR. We've known his research was bunk for almost 30 years.
We are ruled by malicious conspiracy theorists
September 18, 2025 at 10:44 PM
The idea that the combined MMR is dangerous but separately the vaccines are fine was created out of whole cloth by Andrew Wakefield, a disgraced former doctor who had a patent on a non-combined version of the MMR. We've known his research was bunk for almost 30 years.
Reposted by Jeremy Hellwig
Stunning piece. A horror movie of sorts. Will be familiar to anyone on the left trying to navigate the centrist American legacy media, albeit made all the more difficult when your bosses and colleagues all assume your people are by default murderous barbarians. bidoun.org/articles/hou...
September 16, 2025 at 8:55 PM
Stunning piece. A horror movie of sorts. Will be familiar to anyone on the left trying to navigate the centrist American legacy media, albeit made all the more difficult when your bosses and colleagues all assume your people are by default murderous barbarians. bidoun.org/articles/hou...
Last night this joke walked 2 MAGA audience members, which made it a better show but also really pissed off management at the club.
I will always denounce political assassinations. Sometimes the victim's kid grows up to be RFK Jr and that is not an acceptable risk.
September 13, 2025 at 3:41 PM
Last night this joke walked 2 MAGA audience members, which made it a better show but also really pissed off management at the club.
I will always denounce political assassinations. Sometimes the victim's kid grows up to be RFK Jr and that is not an acceptable risk.
September 12, 2025 at 9:49 PM
I will always denounce political assassinations. Sometimes the victim's kid grows up to be RFK Jr and that is not an acceptable risk.
They should invent a flag pole for, in case a guy dies that you hate, you can fly the flag at double height. Like there's an illusion where the flag is up there twice the height of the pole.
September 11, 2025 at 6:15 AM
They should invent a flag pole for, in case a guy dies that you hate, you can fly the flag at double height. Like there's an illusion where the flag is up there twice the height of the pole.