Matthew Collins
@humanhairball.bsky.social
Reposted by Matthew Collins
If I get bored halfway through a big shop, I like to stop off by the gravy aisle and have an impromptu game of noughts and crosses with a complete stranger.
December 16, 2025 at 10:18 PM
If I get bored halfway through a big shop, I like to stop off by the gravy aisle and have an impromptu game of noughts and crosses with a complete stranger.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
#3157 A helpful tutorial
November 17, 2025 at 11:40 PM
#3157 A helpful tutorial
Reposted by Matthew Collins
Don't know what's going on today but I've seen some horrendous injuries out and about. Blood, cuts, one person I could see all of their bones! Be careful out there.
October 31, 2025 at 9:56 AM
Don't know what's going on today but I've seen some horrendous injuries out and about. Blood, cuts, one person I could see all of their bones! Be careful out there.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
For those who don't know this story, which I first shared six years ago today....
This one time I got my days wrong at work and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine.
🧵
This one time I got my days wrong at work and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine.
🧵
May 3, 2024 at 10:25 AM
For those who don't know this story, which I first shared six years ago today....
This one time I got my days wrong at work and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine.
🧵
This one time I got my days wrong at work and ended up alone in a room with my boss and the President of Ireland while I was on ketamine.
🧵
Reposted by Matthew Collins
I was in a taxi when the clocks went back and now the driver owes *me* money
October 26, 2025 at 1:18 AM
I was in a taxi when the clocks went back and now the driver owes *me* money
Reposted by Matthew Collins
STATLER; "This funeral is so boring, I'm jealous of the guy in the coffin! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
[Statler turns to the empty chair next to him and sheds one tear]
[Statler turns to the empty chair next to him and sheds one tear]
October 14, 2025 at 11:17 AM
STATLER; "This funeral is so boring, I'm jealous of the guy in the coffin! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
[Statler turns to the empty chair next to him and sheds one tear]
[Statler turns to the empty chair next to him and sheds one tear]
Reposted by Matthew Collins
Mixed messages at The @theacms.bsky.social Awards tonight.
August 24, 2025 at 11:09 PM
Mixed messages at The @theacms.bsky.social Awards tonight.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
I am performing at @theacms.bsky.social tonight. Monkey Barrel One, 11.55pm. I will be doing a ⭐️ brand new thing ⭐️ once and once alone. Tonight is your only chance to catch a routine that I call...
... In The Hall of the Black Eyed Peas.
... In The Hall of the Black Eyed Peas.
August 12, 2025 at 6:44 PM
I am performing at @theacms.bsky.social tonight. Monkey Barrel One, 11.55pm. I will be doing a ⭐️ brand new thing ⭐️ once and once alone. Tonight is your only chance to catch a routine that I call...
... In The Hall of the Black Eyed Peas.
... In The Hall of the Black Eyed Peas.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
On a more cheerful note, if you're a comedy fan but can't make it to the Edinburgh Fringe, I really recommend @nextupcomedy.com who livestream loads of the shows - worth the membership on its own.
(I'm not being paid/encouraged to post this, I just genuinely think it's a great service)
(I'm not being paid/encouraged to post this, I just genuinely think it's a great service)
August 11, 2025 at 7:18 PM
Reposted by Matthew Collins
Edinburgh! A Passion for Passion at Underbelly, Bristo Square!
It's a show about writing a book about romance. If you love romance novels or if you have no idea how anyone could, this is for you.
11 - 25 Aug | 18:50
🎟️ https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/alice-fraser-a-passion-for-passion
It's a show about writing a book about romance. If you love romance novels or if you have no idea how anyone could, this is for you.
11 - 25 Aug | 18:50
🎟️ https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/alice-fraser-a-passion-for-passion
August 10, 2025 at 2:00 PM
Edinburgh! A Passion for Passion at Underbelly, Bristo Square!
It's a show about writing a book about romance. If you love romance novels or if you have no idea how anyone could, this is for you.
11 - 25 Aug | 18:50
🎟️ https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/alice-fraser-a-passion-for-passion
It's a show about writing a book about romance. If you love romance novels or if you have no idea how anyone could, this is for you.
11 - 25 Aug | 18:50
🎟️ https://www.edfringe.com/tickets/whats-on/alice-fraser-a-passion-for-passion
Reposted by Matthew Collins
Hallo friends! If you’re seeing this please give it a bit of love for the algorithm.
Hey! I’m in London! I’ll be at Soho Theatre 6-9 August doing my very silly show A Passion For Passion and in Edinburgh after then.
🎟️https://www.alicecomedyfraser.com/upcoming-gigs
Hey! I’m in London! I’ll be at Soho Theatre 6-9 August doing my very silly show A Passion For Passion and in Edinburgh after then.
🎟️https://www.alicecomedyfraser.com/upcoming-gigs
August 7, 2025 at 5:16 PM
Hallo friends! If you’re seeing this please give it a bit of love for the algorithm.
Hey! I’m in London! I’ll be at Soho Theatre 6-9 August doing my very silly show A Passion For Passion and in Edinburgh after then.
🎟️https://www.alicecomedyfraser.com/upcoming-gigs
Hey! I’m in London! I’ll be at Soho Theatre 6-9 August doing my very silly show A Passion For Passion and in Edinburgh after then.
🎟️https://www.alicecomedyfraser.com/upcoming-gigs
Reposted by Matthew Collins
I’m petrified about today’s science news. Genetically modifying crabs to have cheetah genes? This could go sideways fast.
July 8, 2025 at 9:45 AM
I’m petrified about today’s science news. Genetically modifying crabs to have cheetah genes? This could go sideways fast.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
They've just put a call out for a customer who's failed to board and is holding up the flight, and his name is MR SLOW. Nobody except me seemed to think it was funny.
April 28, 2025 at 2:19 AM
They've just put a call out for a customer who's failed to board and is holding up the flight, and his name is MR SLOW. Nobody except me seemed to think it was funny.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
New article up about the fallout of the last 24 hours being In The News. [no paywall]
www.patreon.com/posts/126469...
www.patreon.com/posts/126469...
That Guardian Article: Objections and Fallout | Alice Rebekah Fraser
Get more from Alice Rebekah Fraser on Patreon
www.patreon.com
April 12, 2025 at 3:49 AM
New article up about the fallout of the last 24 hours being In The News. [no paywall]
www.patreon.com/posts/126469...
www.patreon.com/posts/126469...
Reposted by Matthew Collins
A message to our followers.
April 1, 2025 at 2:04 PM
A message to our followers.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
[Matthew Corbett passing on the family business to Harry] Now remember, son. I built this empire with my own bear hands.
March 27, 2025 at 2:09 PM
[Matthew Corbett passing on the family business to Harry] Now remember, son. I built this empire with my own bear hands.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
It continues to be IMPORTANT you buy tickets to see us, diarise seeing us again (on e.g. May 12th, June 9th, July 14th), get excited about seeing us in Edinburgh (Sun-Wed in August), etc. OOH.
#ACMS
📆 Monday 14th April
🏰 The Phoenix
🎟️ £3/£7/£10 from wegottickets.com/event/653549/
😻 hosted by @turlygod.bsky.social, with e.g. Kathy Maniura, @matthighton.bsky.social, Pope Lonergan, Sam Eley, Sharlin Jahan, Steffen Hånes, AND MORE
🌈 free guestlist for trans & non-binary folk, DM us your names
📆 Monday 14th April
🏰 The Phoenix
🎟️ £3/£7/£10 from wegottickets.com/event/653549/
😻 hosted by @turlygod.bsky.social, with e.g. Kathy Maniura, @matthighton.bsky.social, Pope Lonergan, Sam Eley, Sharlin Jahan, Steffen Hånes, AND MORE
🌈 free guestlist for trans & non-binary folk, DM us your names
March 24, 2025 at 1:36 PM
It continues to be IMPORTANT you buy tickets to see us, diarise seeing us again (on e.g. May 12th, June 9th, July 14th), get excited about seeing us in Edinburgh (Sun-Wed in August), etc. OOH.
Reposted by Matthew Collins
If you haven't seen it, last week I wrote and performed five poems that were entirely unrelated to each other. One of the poems is a rap where I say the words "I'm a sexual confection with a flesh and blood erection" and that's not even the most unsettling bit of it.
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
This performance is nothing to do with Shrek - 5 unrelated poems (including 1 Gingerbread Man rap)
YouTube video by Guy Kelly
youtu.be
March 18, 2025 at 4:48 PM
If you haven't seen it, last week I wrote and performed five poems that were entirely unrelated to each other. One of the poems is a rap where I say the words "I'm a sexual confection with a flesh and blood erection" and that's not even the most unsettling bit of it.
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
Reposted by Matthew Collins
I'm going on tour! I'm taking a two hour comedy show around the country - the first half a compilation of my favourite bits, and then It Is Better in full. I fell in love with It Is Better when I pulled it out of storage for my retrospective last year. Please come!
linktr.ee/jlukeroberts
linktr.ee/jlukeroberts
March 17, 2025 at 3:29 PM
I'm going on tour! I'm taking a two hour comedy show around the country - the first half a compilation of my favourite bits, and then It Is Better in full. I fell in love with It Is Better when I pulled it out of storage for my retrospective last year. Please come!
linktr.ee/jlukeroberts
linktr.ee/jlukeroberts
Reposted by Matthew Collins
Last week, my son lost his first tooth. Unfortunately he also swallowed it, leaving me with one just option: to get to work forging some government documents.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...
Will the tooth fairy pay up if the tooth has been swallowed?
As a fan of money, my son has known of the Tooth Fairy for some time, and is now discussing her rates of business – and filling in the correct paperwork
www.theguardian.com
March 16, 2025 at 10:27 AM
Last week, my son lost his first tooth. Unfortunately he also swallowed it, leaving me with one just option: to get to work forging some government documents.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...
Reposted by Matthew Collins
Well. This is what I did on Monday. A series of poems unrelated to Shrek
5 of them in fact.
The gingerbread man one is...somewhat spicy
(Filmed at and by the lovely @theacms.bsky.social. Book tickets for their shows!!)
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
5 of them in fact.
The gingerbread man one is...somewhat spicy
(Filmed at and by the lovely @theacms.bsky.social. Book tickets for their shows!!)
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
This performance is nothing to do with Shrek - 5 unrelated poems (including 1 Gingerbread Man rap)
YouTube video by Guy Kelly
youtu.be
March 13, 2025 at 1:47 PM
Well. This is what I did on Monday. A series of poems unrelated to Shrek
5 of them in fact.
The gingerbread man one is...somewhat spicy
(Filmed at and by the lovely @theacms.bsky.social. Book tickets for their shows!!)
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
5 of them in fact.
The gingerbread man one is...somewhat spicy
(Filmed at and by the lovely @theacms.bsky.social. Book tickets for their shows!!)
youtu.be/qFB60vNBdYA?...
Reposted by Matthew Collins
My old man's a hat thief
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears a dustman's hat
August 30, 2023 at 5:08 PM
My old man's a hat thief
He wears a dustman's hat
He wears a dustman's hat
Reposted by Matthew Collins
I buy a Creme Egg in a shop. Man at till reaches under counter. "I don't need a bag thanks" I say. "I'm getting the shop egg," he says. "It has a barcode that'll scan."
February 20, 2025 at 10:31 PM
I buy a Creme Egg in a shop. Man at till reaches under counter. "I don't need a bag thanks" I say. "I'm getting the shop egg," he says. "It has a barcode that'll scan."
Reposted by Matthew Collins
February 18, 2025 at 7:26 PM
Reposted by Matthew Collins
