Matthew Highton
@matthighton.bsky.social
Comedian and maker of nonsense.
Pinned
Matthew Highton
@matthighton.bsky.social
· Nov 14
Okay Bluesky, this is the greatest thing I have ever made and now it’s here for you. Mr Blobby in the Virtual Insanity video.
If you were 80 years old and you woke up in your 30yo body, your aches and pains gone, your loved one asleep next to you, little hands tugging at the duvet, REMEMBER THE RULES:
No bright lights.
Do not get wet.
Don’t feed after midnight.
It’s that simple, guys.
No bright lights.
Do not get wet.
Don’t feed after midnight.
It’s that simple, guys.
January 2, 2026 at 11:58 PM
If you were 80 years old and you woke up in your 30yo body, your aches and pains gone, your loved one asleep next to you, little hands tugging at the duvet, REMEMBER THE RULES:
No bright lights.
Do not get wet.
Don’t feed after midnight.
It’s that simple, guys.
No bright lights.
Do not get wet.
Don’t feed after midnight.
It’s that simple, guys.
Me working in IT: have you tried relighting the candles and offering the dark one your immortal soul? Aha, aha… okay, I’m going to take over your screen for a second. If you could just check the lines of the pentagram, save and close excel and ensure there’s fresh blood on the mouse.
January 2, 2026 at 11:45 PM
Me working in IT: have you tried relighting the candles and offering the dark one your immortal soul? Aha, aha… okay, I’m going to take over your screen for a second. If you could just check the lines of the pentagram, save and close excel and ensure there’s fresh blood on the mouse.
Always think I’d want to be a Traitor if I was on it but in reality an extra hour in bed is so appealing these days it’s faithful all the way.
January 2, 2026 at 10:19 PM
Always think I’d want to be a Traitor if I was on it but in reality an extra hour in bed is so appealing these days it’s faithful all the way.
Looks like the Toddler is about to enter the Upside Down. Vecna better like hearing the Winnie the Pooh theme 900 times a day.
January 2, 2026 at 7:03 PM
Looks like the Toddler is about to enter the Upside Down. Vecna better like hearing the Winnie the Pooh theme 900 times a day.
Using the selfie camera to see how you look.
January 2, 2026 at 10:58 AM
Using the selfie camera to see how you look.
Reposted by Matthew Highton
Reposted by Matthew Highton
Can’t believe this has led to this, what is wrong with me??
January 1, 2026 at 2:47 PM
Can’t believe this has led to this, what is wrong with me??
So, for the last 2 1/2 years I’ve had a job making silly stuff for LEGO. It was GREAT, coincided with my son being born and was essentially the first “real” full time job I’ve had in over a decade.
I’m now back looking for stuff. Thought I’d put it out here. Never know what it’ll lead to. 🤷♂️
I’m now back looking for stuff. Thought I’d put it out here. Never know what it’ll lead to. 🤷♂️
January 1, 2026 at 2:45 PM
So, for the last 2 1/2 years I’ve had a job making silly stuff for LEGO. It was GREAT, coincided with my son being born and was essentially the first “real” full time job I’ve had in over a decade.
I’m now back looking for stuff. Thought I’d put it out here. Never know what it’ll lead to. 🤷♂️
I’m now back looking for stuff. Thought I’d put it out here. Never know what it’ll lead to. 🤷♂️
For whatever reason this is doing the rounds again. Have a giggle everyone.
What a weird name for a dog. But sorry for their loss.
January 1, 2026 at 2:14 PM
For whatever reason this is doing the rounds again. Have a giggle everyone.
It’s mini egg season mutha fuckkkaaaaassss!!!!
January 1, 2026 at 11:31 AM
It’s mini egg season mutha fuckkkaaaaassss!!!!
Stranger Things spinoff series with these three where they travel round in a pizza van Scooby Doo style solving crimes.
January 1, 2026 at 10:00 AM
Stranger Things spinoff series with these three where they travel round in a pizza van Scooby Doo style solving crimes.
Broke all of my resolutions already.
*God raise an eyebrow.
Commandments, sorry. Commandments.
*neighbours Ox shakes head.
*God raise an eyebrow.
Commandments, sorry. Commandments.
*neighbours Ox shakes head.
January 1, 2026 at 9:04 AM
Broke all of my resolutions already.
*God raise an eyebrow.
Commandments, sorry. Commandments.
*neighbours Ox shakes head.
*God raise an eyebrow.
Commandments, sorry. Commandments.
*neighbours Ox shakes head.
Reposted by Matthew Highton
Your recyclables…give them to me, now.
January 1, 2026 at 8:59 AM
Your recyclables…give them to me, now.
What year is it? What of bins? WHAT OF BINS?
January 1, 2026 at 8:48 AM
What year is it? What of bins? WHAT OF BINS?
Just give it a second before walking over everyone. We’ve shot 2025 in the face, but everything I know from films says it’ll pop back up for one last scare.
January 1, 2026 at 12:15 AM
Just give it a second before walking over everyone. We’ve shot 2025 in the face, but everything I know from films says it’ll pop back up for one last scare.
In your face 2025!!!!
January 1, 2026 at 12:04 AM
In your face 2025!!!!
Getting older means getting Happy New Year wishes earlier and earlier. Anyway should have sent this hours ago. Happy New Year everyone.
December 31, 2025 at 11:13 PM
Getting older means getting Happy New Year wishes earlier and earlier. Anyway should have sent this hours ago. Happy New Year everyone.
Toddler just ran up to my wife and said “Happy New Year” then instantly farted. Perfect timing. No notes. 😂
December 31, 2025 at 6:46 PM
Toddler just ran up to my wife and said “Happy New Year” then instantly farted. Perfect timing. No notes. 😂
Reposted by Matthew Highton
It has been The Onion's best year since we broke Watergate and subsequently, personally had Richard Nixon removed from office.
I'm going to share some personal favorite stories in this thread.
Please add your own, and visit the Our Annual Year recap below.
theonion.com/our-annual-y...
I'm going to share some personal favorite stories in this thread.
Please add your own, and visit the Our Annual Year recap below.
theonion.com/our-annual-y...
Our Annual Year 2025
January February March April May June July August September October November Sports Entertainment January February March April May June July August September October November Sports Entertainment
theonion.com
December 31, 2025 at 5:18 PM
It has been The Onion's best year since we broke Watergate and subsequently, personally had Richard Nixon removed from office.
I'm going to share some personal favorite stories in this thread.
Please add your own, and visit the Our Annual Year recap below.
theonion.com/our-annual-y...
I'm going to share some personal favorite stories in this thread.
Please add your own, and visit the Our Annual Year recap below.
theonion.com/our-annual-y...
Me, having all year to break the twelve month curse from last new year, looking at the clock with a big sigh “right I really need to finish this now”.
December 31, 2025 at 3:08 PM
Me, having all year to break the twelve month curse from last new year, looking at the clock with a big sigh “right I really need to finish this now”.
Okay body, today’s gonna be tough. We have a lot of chocolate to get through so we can start the new year right. You’re gonna say no more. You’re gonna wanna quit. You’re gonna see things that aren’t really there. But goddamit you’re the only one who can get the job done.
December 31, 2025 at 9:42 AM
Okay body, today’s gonna be tough. We have a lot of chocolate to get through so we can start the new year right. You’re gonna say no more. You’re gonna wanna quit. You’re gonna see things that aren’t really there. But goddamit you’re the only one who can get the job done.
Reposted by Matthew Highton
UK Stranger Things. The exact same plot but it’s five seasons of them spitting in Adidas tracksuits and telling upside down things to fuck off.
December 30, 2025 at 10:07 PM
UK Stranger Things. The exact same plot but it’s five seasons of them spitting in Adidas tracksuits and telling upside down things to fuck off.
UK Stranger Things. The exact same plot but it’s five seasons of them spitting in Adidas tracksuits and telling upside down things to fuck off.
December 30, 2025 at 10:07 PM
UK Stranger Things. The exact same plot but it’s five seasons of them spitting in Adidas tracksuits and telling upside down things to fuck off.
Reposted by Matthew Highton
Kings of Leon did predict this tbf 😬
December 30, 2025 at 4:14 PM
Kings of Leon did predict this tbf 😬
Have taught my toddler the following attacks:
Tickle
Cuddle
Ba-Ba-Boom
Fire Breath
Toddler parenting CAN also be like Pokémon training if you work hard enough. The toughest part is finding other parents willing to battle you.
Tickle
Cuddle
Ba-Ba-Boom
Fire Breath
Toddler parenting CAN also be like Pokémon training if you work hard enough. The toughest part is finding other parents willing to battle you.
December 30, 2025 at 9:47 AM
Have taught my toddler the following attacks:
Tickle
Cuddle
Ba-Ba-Boom
Fire Breath
Toddler parenting CAN also be like Pokémon training if you work hard enough. The toughest part is finding other parents willing to battle you.
Tickle
Cuddle
Ba-Ba-Boom
Fire Breath
Toddler parenting CAN also be like Pokémon training if you work hard enough. The toughest part is finding other parents willing to battle you.