The Real Melissa
@therealmelissa.bsky.social
jaded gen x-er, mom, hip-hop connoisseur 🎧 PNW 🌦️eyebrows are not my own ♾️
Reposted by The Real Melissa
Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.
November 14, 2025 at 5:29 AM
Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.
I love my new car so much I would marry it if I could
November 14, 2025 at 3:23 AM
I love my new car so much I would marry it if I could
apparently 47 is the age you start appreciating the car more for its seat comfort than almost anything else
November 11, 2025 at 6:14 AM
apparently 47 is the age you start appreciating the car more for its seat comfort than almost anything else
four months of 405 detours through my neighborhood has made me realize that I hate everyone
November 8, 2025 at 11:00 PM
four months of 405 detours through my neighborhood has made me realize that I hate everyone
just take a look at this sexy motherfucker
November 8, 2025 at 4:07 AM
just take a look at this sexy motherfucker
Reposted by The Real Melissa
Do you ever drip dry in the shower for a while pretending you're a terminator that just arrived?
November 4, 2025 at 8:58 AM
Do you ever drip dry in the shower for a while pretending you're a terminator that just arrived?
I just need everyone to know that today, an 8 year old turned slowly, looked at me with huge eyes, and whispered, “in 20 years…you’ll be six sevennnn” and I couldn’t even be mad because it’s true 😂
November 1, 2025 at 1:13 AM
I just need everyone to know that today, an 8 year old turned slowly, looked at me with huge eyes, and whispered, “in 20 years…you’ll be six sevennnn” and I couldn’t even be mad because it’s true 😂
I am burnt the fuck out
October 31, 2025 at 12:05 AM
I am burnt the fuck out
Reposted by The Real Melissa
Fuck fluoride. Let’s put some Xanax into the national water supply.
October 28, 2025 at 1:58 PM
Fuck fluoride. Let’s put some Xanax into the national water supply.
Reposted by The Real Melissa
It’s funny how people tell me not to make it weird, but still invite me to things
October 30, 2025 at 4:18 AM
It’s funny how people tell me not to make it weird, but still invite me to things
I just text this to my dad and told him he can take away my cassette, he can take away my CD, but he can NEVER TAKE THIS ALBUM AWAY FROM ME 😂
October 30, 2025 at 1:24 AM
I just text this to my dad and told him he can take away my cassette, he can take away my CD, but he can NEVER TAKE THIS ALBUM AWAY FROM ME 😂
*spending my birthday money on weed since 1995*
October 30, 2025 at 12:55 AM
*spending my birthday money on weed since 1995*
Reposted by The Real Melissa
If you see someone stealing food - no you didn't.
California police boost patrols at grocery stores as millions set to lose SNAP benefits
California police boost patrols at grocery stores as millions set to lose SNAP benefits
www.foxla.com
October 30, 2025 at 12:47 AM
If you see someone stealing food - no you didn't.
YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
(shoutout to all the other Melissas having to endure really stupid text messages right now)
(shoutout to all the other Melissas having to endure really stupid text messages right now)
October 28, 2025 at 11:46 PM
YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
(shoutout to all the other Melissas having to endure really stupid text messages right now)
(shoutout to all the other Melissas having to endure really stupid text messages right now)
officially decided that the worst household chore is washing, drying, and putting the mattress cover back on the bed
October 27, 2025 at 4:44 AM
officially decided that the worst household chore is washing, drying, and putting the mattress cover back on the bed
I’m afraid to uncover/open my fireplace because so far we’ve had:
- the bat incident
- the bird cremation incident
- the bat incident
- the bird cremation incident
October 25, 2025 at 10:46 PM
I’m afraid to uncover/open my fireplace because so far we’ve had:
- the bat incident
- the bird cremation incident
- the bat incident
- the bird cremation incident
two relatives have text me this morning with jokes about hurricane melissa
October 25, 2025 at 3:53 PM
two relatives have text me this morning with jokes about hurricane melissa
Reposted by The Real Melissa
I just live like I have my act together.
October 24, 2025 at 6:39 PM
I just live like I have my act together.
I like to announce to my neighbors that I’m home by blasting 6 foot 7 foot I bet they love it
October 25, 2025 at 12:08 AM
I like to announce to my neighbors that I’m home by blasting 6 foot 7 foot I bet they love it
wtf is this 😂🎻
![Incoming text: Please reply back HALT if you wish to never hear from me again.
Outgoing text: HALT
Incoming text: I’m so sorry my text bothered you 😞. You will not receive any future messages from me, [name redacted], a real person and Pampered Chef consultant of 22 years, including specials, tips, recipe club, birthday discount, order follow up or party prizes. If you have any questions regarding your past pampered chef purchases, pls call 888-our-chef. Reply START to resubscribe.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:leaeh2xm23dx4zcmgousqkf5/bafkreigvl4rek5awpbwbd53pdqg7ychoobdijvzmgc5vl4thpctdijq3ga@jpeg)
October 23, 2025 at 1:30 AM
wtf is this 😂🎻
if nothing else, the old white men are now just using ai to do what they’ve always done more quietly, but they never heard “once you post it, it’s there forever” or they think it doesn’t apply to them
October 23, 2025 at 12:46 AM
if nothing else, the old white men are now just using ai to do what they’ve always done more quietly, but they never heard “once you post it, it’s there forever” or they think it doesn’t apply to them
Reposted by The Real Melissa
ready to leave the garbage dimension now
October 23, 2025 at 12:25 AM
ready to leave the garbage dimension now
Reposted by The Real Melissa
been working on this for a few years
January 30, 2025 at 8:14 PM
been working on this for a few years
…on sunday, much to the world’s chagrin, melissa awoke with her vocal cords restored…
October 19, 2025 at 6:49 PM
…on sunday, much to the world’s chagrin, melissa awoke with her vocal cords restored…