Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
Comedy writer. "Have I Got News For You", "Last Week Tonight", "The Amber Ruffin Show." Author of "A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" and "The Someone New." Friend to several penguins.
Pinned
Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
· Apr 4
My body is not cut out to be this furious all the time. I am built for naming dogs Doctor Reginald Pancakes and telling people about the time two bees stung me while I was on the toilet
My conspiracy theory is that putting those fans in your nails don’t actually make them dry faster. It’s just to make you sit still
February 14, 2026 at 7:16 PM
My conspiracy theory is that putting those fans in your nails don’t actually make them dry faster. It’s just to make you sit still
LEAVE THE SAD FALLING MEN ALONE PLEASE
Ilia Malinin was heavily favored on Friday to win the Olympic gold medal in men’s figure skating. But the Team USA star fell twice and completed only three of his planned seven quad jumps to place eighth overall. www.nytimes.com/interactive/...
February 14, 2026 at 4:16 PM
LEAVE THE SAD FALLING MEN ALONE PLEASE
i'm sorry we're just letting a guy go around being named Danny Spud?
over on x the everything app some Chicago high school kid named Danny Spud tried to disrupt his school's anti-ICE protest by yelling about how much he loves ICE and then filmed himself getting walloped by a fellow student lmao
the quote tweet making fun of him has 3x the likes
the quote tweet making fun of him has 3x the likes
February 14, 2026 at 3:23 AM
i'm sorry we're just letting a guy go around being named Danny Spud?
Chock & Bates is the perfect name for a personal injury law firm with a catchy jingle
February 12, 2026 at 3:17 AM
Chock & Bates is the perfect name for a personal injury law firm with a catchy jingle
I do feel obligated to bring up this article I wrote in which Pam Bondi stole a dog www.thedailybeast.com/what-the-f-i...
What the F*** Is the Trump Admin’s Problem With Dogs?
Donald Trump is one of very few U.S. presidents not to have a dog in the White House. Now, he is stacking his Cabinet with others who have their own controversies with man’s best friend.
www.thedailybeast.com
February 12, 2026 at 2:19 AM
I do feel obligated to bring up this article I wrote in which Pam Bondi stole a dog www.thedailybeast.com/what-the-f-i...
i can tell in my heart if the ice dancers are in love
February 10, 2026 at 3:18 AM
i can tell in my heart if the ice dancers are in love
is it the decade 2000-2010?
HBO Max’s highly anticipated Harry Potter series, coming to the streamer in 2027, will be “the streaming event of the decade,” JB Perrette, CEO and president of global streaming & games at Warner Bros. Discovery said in London on Monday. At least that!
‘Harry Potter’ HBO Max Series Will Be the “Streaming Event of the Decade” – At Least, WBD Top Exec Says
HBO Max’s highly anticipated Harry Potter series, coming to the streamer in 2027, will be “the streaming event of the decade,” JB Perrette, CEO and president of global streaming & games at Warner Bros. Discovery said in London on Monday. At least that!
bit.ly
February 9, 2026 at 7:16 PM
is it the decade 2000-2010?
hope to get married onstage at the National Spelling Bee
That was a real wedding during Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. His reps confirmed the happy couple are irl in love. And yet, conservatives still said the show was an affront to American values.
That Was a Real Wedding During Bad Bunny’s Halftime Show
That was a real wedding during Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl Halftime Show. His reps confirmed the happy couple are irl in love. And yet, conservatives still said the show was an affront to American values.
www.vulture.com
February 9, 2026 at 3:08 AM
hope to get married onstage at the National Spelling Bee
I have chosen to watch a replay of Men's Figure Skating but I shall post as though it is the Super Bowl (HALFTIME SHOW IS A ZAMBONI!)
February 9, 2026 at 12:12 AM
I have chosen to watch a replay of Men's Figure Skating but I shall post as though it is the Super Bowl (HALFTIME SHOW IS A ZAMBONI!)
I went to the Meet the Breeds event for the Westminster Dog Show and a woman told me her dog was chosen as a “Select Bitch”. So anyway, that’s what I’m gonna by now
February 8, 2026 at 7:15 PM
I went to the Meet the Breeds event for the Westminster Dog Show and a woman told me her dog was chosen as a “Select Bitch”. So anyway, that’s what I’m gonna by now
DON'T TALK TO ME TILL I'VE HAD MY FERMENTS
RFK Jr on what he'll eat during the Super Bowl: "I am on a carnivore diet so I just eat meat and ferments, and I'm very happy with that. So I'm probably going to have yogurt."
February 8, 2026 at 6:36 PM
DON'T TALK TO ME TILL I'VE HAD MY FERMENTS
Ah yes, I do choose which books to read based on “who wrote the most of them this year”
I'm going to win.
February 8, 2026 at 5:45 PM
Ah yes, I do choose which books to read based on “who wrote the most of them this year”
Reposted by Jill Twiss
UK Traitors: win or lose I’m well chuffed from making some good mates
US Traitors: My name is The Botox Bitch and I will have your children killed
US Traitors: My name is The Botox Bitch and I will have your children killed
February 8, 2026 at 5:29 PM
UK Traitors: win or lose I’m well chuffed from making some good mates
US Traitors: My name is The Botox Bitch and I will have your children killed
US Traitors: My name is The Botox Bitch and I will have your children killed
Reposted by Jill Twiss
TONIGHT!! Senator Adam Schiff @schiff.senate.gov and Comedian, Actor & Producer @hasanminhaj.com join the panel on an ALL NEW episode of Have I Got News For You 9p ET on CNN and streaming next day on the CNN app.
February 7, 2026 at 11:20 PM
TONIGHT!! Senator Adam Schiff @schiff.senate.gov and Comedian, Actor & Producer @hasanminhaj.com join the panel on an ALL NEW episode of Have I Got News For You 9p ET on CNN and streaming next day on the CNN app.
I'm sorry there is a woman skating in the Olympics who has NO FEELING IN HER LEG?? Just give her a medal anyway, weirdos!
February 7, 2026 at 10:23 PM
I'm sorry there is a woman skating in the Olympics who has NO FEELING IN HER LEG?? Just give her a medal anyway, weirdos!
I'll be honest, when I helped work on this piece, i did not expect it to go where it did
TONIGHT!! Senator Adam Schiff @schiff.senate.gov and Comedian, Actor & Producer, @hasanminhaj.com join the panel on an ALL NEW episode of Have I Got News For You 9p ET on @cnn.com and streaming next day on the CNN app.
February 7, 2026 at 8:59 PM
I'll be honest, when I helped work on this piece, i did not expect it to go where it did
"Talent is a gatekeeping mechanism." I mean, yes.
no great artists have ever struggled, a famous thing about artists that we all know. everyone prior to three years ago lived lives of luxury.
![the stupid 'talent is a gatekeeping mechanism' thread that's going around, three posts reading:
tired of having these arguments so i'm gonna lay out the STARK reality of AI for some of you privileged fucks:
1. "talent" is a gatekeeping mechanism that has created a culture of professionalism that is no less of an ivory tower than academia, a moralized proxy for access to time, training, money.
2. being poor means having to make hard choices like:
[a] drawing something yourself in a way society would call "bad" (i.e. unprofessional)
[b] sacrificing resources you don't have to pay a real artist what they're worth (or learn yourself)
[c] not doing it at all, or
[d] using AI.
“just don’t use AI” is a luxury position. when people moralize choices made under scarcity, they’re pretending the menu is the same for everyone. it fucking isn’t.](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:dei7f7zh74xr3hoghei6ke3d/bafkreig5uei5qn5bkwhgniorhoyesfs73ovo76xwfk2yxprmtnbde4cvp4@jpeg)
February 7, 2026 at 2:39 AM
"Talent is a gatekeeping mechanism." I mean, yes.
JonBenét Wilkes Booth. Is that anything?
February 6, 2026 at 5:07 PM
JonBenét Wilkes Booth. Is that anything?
WHERE IS THE RODENT WHO WILL TELL ME HOW MANY WEEKS OF AMERICA WE HAVE LEFT
February 2, 2026 at 9:58 PM
WHERE IS THE RODENT WHO WILL TELL ME HOW MANY WEEKS OF AMERICA WE HAVE LEFT
if i knew then what I know now, I would have clapped
February 2, 2026 at 4:43 PM
if i knew then what I know now, I would have clapped
i am as excited as anyone else, but you shouldn't make him fly the plane
February 2, 2026 at 4:15 AM
i am as excited as anyone else, but you shouldn't make him fly the plane
I live alone. I purchased a Costco-sized bottle of liquid laundry detergent sometime in the year 2017. Today, I ran out of laundry detergent.
February 1, 2026 at 11:48 PM
I live alone. I purchased a Costco-sized bottle of liquid laundry detergent sometime in the year 2017. Today, I ran out of laundry detergent.
you could tell me that there are anywhere from two to nineteen Skarsgard men in Hollywood and I would believe you
February 1, 2026 at 8:42 PM
you could tell me that there are anywhere from two to nineteen Skarsgard men in Hollywood and I would believe you
It does worry me that a kid's odds of getting out of a tortuous detention center are mostly dependent on whether a random bystander got a perfect picture of them looking sad
February 1, 2026 at 7:42 PM
It does worry me that a kid's odds of getting out of a tortuous detention center are mostly dependent on whether a random bystander got a perfect picture of them looking sad
Melania movie is out for ONE DAY and this happens
Holy fucking shit!
That’s a 32-point over performance AND a flip!!
That’s a 32-point over performance AND a flip!!
February 1, 2026 at 6:08 AM
Melania movie is out for ONE DAY and this happens