Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
Comedy writer. "Have I Got News For You", "Last Week Tonight", "The Amber Ruffin Show." Author of "A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" and "The Someone New." Friend to several penguins.
Pinned
Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
· Apr 4
My body is not cut out to be this furious all the time. I am built for naming dogs Doctor Reginald Pancakes and telling people about the time two bees stung me while I was on the toilet
CAN PUT BABY IN FRIDGE YES NO?
FALLON: “And do you use ChatGPT when raising your baby?"
ALTMAN: "I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without ChatGPT."
@moreperfectunion.bsky.social
ALTMAN: "I cannot imagine figuring out how to raise a newborn without ChatGPT."
@moreperfectunion.bsky.social
December 9, 2025 at 11:21 PM
CAN PUT BABY IN FRIDGE YES NO?
This United Airlines employee just said “your flight is overbooked so I can get you there half an hour early and give you $500 in flight crowded” and we are about to find out if that man was really a United Airlines employee
December 8, 2025 at 9:04 PM
This United Airlines employee just said “your flight is overbooked so I can get you there half an hour early and give you $500 in flight crowded” and we are about to find out if that man was really a United Airlines employee
Reposted by Jill Twiss
This is TODAY! Are you in NYC? Please come to Union Square at 3:30 to stand with us to get the governor to sign the Freedom to Read Act! Also, there will be FREE BOOKS there, including the new George M. Johnson and Leah Johnson book There's Always Next Year!
December 8, 2025 at 3:53 PM
This is TODAY! Are you in NYC? Please come to Union Square at 3:30 to stand with us to get the governor to sign the Freedom to Read Act! Also, there will be FREE BOOKS there, including the new George M. Johnson and Leah Johnson book There's Always Next Year!
is there a *Mister* Rachel?
December 8, 2025 at 5:00 AM
is there a *Mister* Rachel?
One exciting thing I learned was that you can make a security line RESERVATION at some terminals at JFK and then you get to pop right to the front of the line for free! Why? I have no idea, but I did it and it worked www.jfkairport.com/announcement...
Aviation
www.jfkairport.com
December 7, 2025 at 11:39 PM
One exciting thing I learned was that you can make a security line RESERVATION at some terminals at JFK and then you get to pop right to the front of the line for free! Why? I have no idea, but I did it and it worked www.jfkairport.com/announcement...
Non-consensually groping everyone on Earth does feel like the right metaphor here
in the movies this is the screensaver on the computers at the world’s most evil company
December 6, 2025 at 9:42 PM
Non-consensually groping everyone on Earth does feel like the right metaphor here
Hi this has been in my gym for weeks. Does anyone…know what it does? Will it make me strong? Fast? Cute?
December 6, 2025 at 8:18 PM
Hi this has been in my gym for weeks. Does anyone…know what it does? Will it make me strong? Fast? Cute?
Get everyone on your Christmas list myrrh this year!
December 6, 2025 at 2:32 AM
Get everyone on your Christmas list myrrh this year!
Embarrassed to admit it but I really thought I had a shot at the FIFA Peace Prize this year
December 5, 2025 at 6:00 PM
Embarrassed to admit it but I really thought I had a shot at the FIFA Peace Prize this year
going to institute a $5.8 billion breakup fee to the next person who dumps me as per this precedent
Netflix has agreed to buy Warner Bros. in a megadeal valued at $82.7 billion.
The streaming giant's proposal includes a $5.8 billion breakup fee and promises to maintain Warner Bros. current operations, "including theatrical releases." Theater owners are already speaking out.
The streaming giant's proposal includes a $5.8 billion breakup fee and promises to maintain Warner Bros. current operations, "including theatrical releases." Theater owners are already speaking out.
It’s Official: Netflix to Acquire Warner Bros. in Deal Valued at $82.7 Billion
Netflix, run by chairman Reed Hastings and co-CEOs Ted Sarandos and Greg Peters, has agreed to buy Warner Bros. in a megadeal valued at $82.7 billion.
bit.ly
December 5, 2025 at 5:22 PM
going to institute a $5.8 billion breakup fee to the next person who dumps me as per this precedent
Reposted by Jill Twiss
DON’T 👏 GO 👏 AROUND 👏 SAYING 👏 HAPPY 👏 HANUKKAH 👏 TO 👏 JEWISH 👏 PEOPLE 👏 IT’S 👏 NOT 👏 ANTI-SEMITIC 👏 WE 👏 JUST 👏 DON’T👏KNOW👏 WHEN 👏 IT👏 IS👏
December 5, 2025 at 3:51 PM
DON’T 👏 GO 👏 AROUND 👏 SAYING 👏 HAPPY 👏 HANUKKAH 👏 TO 👏 JEWISH 👏 PEOPLE 👏 IT’S 👏 NOT 👏 ANTI-SEMITIC 👏 WE 👏 JUST 👏 DON’T👏KNOW👏 WHEN 👏 IT👏 IS👏
I do think RFK should have to try every disease first, before he gives it to babies
RFK Jr.’s handpicked CDC panel rolls back recommending all newborns get vaccinated for hepatitis B
CDC Panel Of Vaccine Skeptics Votes To Delay Hepatitis B Shot For Most Babies
Public health officials warned that the decision by advisers picked by RFK Jr. will result in more infants being infected and experiencing lifelong liver diseases.
www.huffpost.com
December 5, 2025 at 4:03 PM
I do think RFK should have to try every disease first, before he gives it to babies
my Oscar speech would just be the first and last names of everyone who was mean to me in middle school
December 5, 2025 at 4:01 AM
my Oscar speech would just be the first and last names of everyone who was mean to me in middle school
Pete Hegseth should not be Secretary of Anything. He should be the villain on a One Tree Hill reboot
December 5, 2025 at 3:43 AM
Pete Hegseth should not be Secretary of Anything. He should be the villain on a One Tree Hill reboot
Spent an hour on the phone fighting about Health Insurance and now, my friends, it is treat time
December 4, 2025 at 8:34 PM
Spent an hour on the phone fighting about Health Insurance and now, my friends, it is treat time
Reposted by Jill Twiss
The digital version of my book is on sale from the good place for $2.99!! bookshop.org/p/books/i-wa...
I Want to Burn This Place Down: Essays
Essays
bookshop.org
December 4, 2025 at 8:09 PM
The digital version of my book is on sale from the good place for $2.99!! bookshop.org/p/books/i-wa...
I will be honest. I didn't think we'd get to the "Arguing About Whether Murder Is Wrong" stage quite this fast
December 4, 2025 at 8:23 PM
I will be honest. I didn't think we'd get to the "Arguing About Whether Murder Is Wrong" stage quite this fast
third Wicked movie when?
If you choose a good password on the LL Bean website they rate it as Wicked Strong.
December 4, 2025 at 5:30 AM
third Wicked movie when?
oh man i just bought some legos for a kid and it made my night so much better. highly recommend giving yourself this gift
Our Holiday Toy Drive for 2025 is on now! Let’s spread the joy this season with something as simple as a gift for a child in need. Your gift – whether it’s a stuffed animal, a book, or a game – isn’t just a toy. It’s proof that someone cares. www.coalitionforthehomeless.org/event/holida...
December 4, 2025 at 5:27 AM
oh man i just bought some legos for a kid and it made my night so much better. highly recommend giving yourself this gift
If you're in NYC, go see Spelling Bee at New World Stages. Jasmine Amy Rogers is a STAR and the show is so full of heart (and I think has the funniest book of a musical, maybe ever). I HOPE IT RUNS OFF BROADWAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE spellingbeenyc.com?utm_source=g...
SPELLING BEE | Official Site
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee is the buzziest musical in NYC. Buy your tickets today and see it at New World Stages starting November 7.
spellingbeenyc.com
December 4, 2025 at 5:11 AM
If you're in NYC, go see Spelling Bee at New World Stages. Jasmine Amy Rogers is a STAR and the show is so full of heart (and I think has the funniest book of a musical, maybe ever). I HOPE IT RUNS OFF BROADWAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE spellingbeenyc.com?utm_source=g...
Spotify says I died 30 years ago?!
December 3, 2025 at 7:04 PM
Spotify says I died 30 years ago?!
IN FAIRNESS this is the kindest possible reaction to Marco Rubio saying words
Trump dozes while Marco Rubio speaks to him directly next to him. Just insane optics.
December 2, 2025 at 7:31 PM
IN FAIRNESS this is the kindest possible reaction to Marco Rubio saying words
Reposted by Jill Twiss
Will YOU be in NYC next Monday? WE NEED YOU! Come to Union Square at 3:30 for your rally to get the governor to sign the NY Freedom to Read Act. This is a joint effort with several organizations (including @authorsabb.bsky.social) and we need it to be BIG and LOUD! Please share!
December 2, 2025 at 6:45 PM
Will YOU be in NYC next Monday? WE NEED YOU! Come to Union Square at 3:30 for your rally to get the governor to sign the NY Freedom to Read Act. This is a joint effort with several organizations (including @authorsabb.bsky.social) and we need it to be BIG and LOUD! Please share!
RANDOM REQUEST: If anyone sees or is involved in a production of "A Christmas Carol" this year, can you tell me where the intermission goes? (I am currently writing a play that goes on backstage at "A Christmas Carol")
December 2, 2025 at 1:37 AM
RANDOM REQUEST: If anyone sees or is involved in a production of "A Christmas Carol" this year, can you tell me where the intermission goes? (I am currently writing a play that goes on backstage at "A Christmas Carol")
It was really more of a recreational MRI. The man just loves a magnet!
December 1, 2025 at 8:56 PM
It was really more of a recreational MRI. The man just loves a magnet!