Reading this perfect Onion headline like this

Passing the Dutchie on the right hand side just to feel something

Have you ever laughed and puked at the same time, yet neither caused the other? Anyway, I saw a Cybertruck.

Attention, visitors. Please disregard the previous announcement stating “Any part of the zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re not a coward.” And Pete, stay away from the goddam PA system.

I’m in my therapist’s office and “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails is playing over the radio in the waiting room. #goodsign

The Apocalypse Now helicopter scene but instead of playing Ride of the Valkyries it’s playing the theme song to Sanford and Son

True Detective: Donkey Kong Country

Got kicked out of the liberry again cuz a couple people complained about my therapy goose Insane Willie.

Nobody:

Trump: WE ARE GONNA BUY JUPITER FROM GOD AND WE ARE GONNA GET A GREAT PRICE BELIEVE ME

hey man, i saw you left me a voicemail. in the future, just go ahead and scream your msg into a mason jar and throw it into the sea, same success rate

We need more music where the singer says "take 'em for a walk, Artie" and then a guy with a clarinet just goes nuts for like 8 minutes