happy anniversary to all who celebrate

wife: how was guarding the two paths today, honey?

guard: [looking away] fine

wife: did something happen?

guard: [tearing up] no

wife: would the other guard tell me something happened?

it's all good brotha no worries.. oh and Btw may ur vices rise like vipers within u and may u perish by your own poison

me looking at the double diablo dipped wings: the stomach is evil and must be punished

people who think and act this way shouldn't be allowed to live in society. we need to bring back exile. stick this lady on a boat and shove her off into the sea.

god damn. I was on one last night. gary came over to look at my wizard stuff and peeved me off so bad I banished him to the piss dimension

a clown car exploded in front of the clown college and you're laughing?

out for 2025: regrets, anxiety, fast fashion, complicated skincare routines

in for 2025: eating dessicant pouches, becoming a mummy, cursing the land, giant wailing face in sandstorm

WATSON: I say, Holmes, and what of this bit of cigar ash on the banister? Does it come by some distinctive provenance, by chance?
ME: (still not revealing I got time traveled here from a "Shitty Hats" costume party) No this looks fucked up for sure.

Had a dream where I was reading a book titled “How to Lose a Bathroom Argument: The Essentials” and now I’m positive a part of me is out to get the rest.

A List of Things People Blamed on Short Skirts

🧵

Reconnecting with the Twitter homies on Bluesky