@smartypantsmurphy.bsky.social
A caffeine based life form whose blood pressure has returned to normal since retiring from teaching middle school. I think dogs are awesome, and I try to laugh as things go, because before you know it, it's c-pap machines, night guards & compression socks.
I will not be cooking or doing dishes tonight. I'm eating leftovers on paper towels over the sink like a raccoon.
January 1, 2026 at 12:55 AM
I will not be cooking or doing dishes tonight. I'm eating leftovers on paper towels over the sink like a raccoon.
Men, if you are over 50, leave the young girls alone and find a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.
December 29, 2025 at 5:56 PM
Men, if you are over 50, leave the young girls alone and find a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.
Reposted
Pulls out list of 2025 New Year Resolutions
Crosses out 2025
Adds in 2026
Puts list away for another year
Crosses out 2025
Adds in 2026
Puts list away for another year
December 28, 2025 at 3:44 AM
Pulls out list of 2025 New Year Resolutions
Crosses out 2025
Adds in 2026
Puts list away for another year
Crosses out 2025
Adds in 2026
Puts list away for another year
Reposted
"You will be visited by three... wait, that can't be right"
December 25, 2025 at 2:30 AM
"You will be visited by three... wait, that can't be right"
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My favourite thing about social media is when post about a personal experience or opinion and then someone leaves a comment correcting me, about my personal experience or opinion. It's so helpful. So thank you for that.
December 24, 2025 at 7:48 PM
My favourite thing about social media is when post about a personal experience or opinion and then someone leaves a comment correcting me, about my personal experience or opinion. It's so helpful. So thank you for that.
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Grandpa: I was at Normandy.
Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.
Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.
Everyone: *gasps*
Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.
Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.
Everyone: *gasps*
December 24, 2025 at 6:48 PM
Grandpa: I was at Normandy.
Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.
Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.
Everyone: *gasps*
Dad: I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.
Me: I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.
Everyone: *gasps*
Teen girls today have day serums, night serums, and eye serums. Gen X girls had one jar of Noxema and the belief that if it burned, it was working.
December 23, 2025 at 12:13 AM
Teen girls today have day serums, night serums, and eye serums. Gen X girls had one jar of Noxema and the belief that if it burned, it was working.
I don't know who needs to hear this, but stop tracking that package...It's in God's hands now.
December 22, 2025 at 5:48 PM
I don't know who needs to hear this, but stop tracking that package...It's in God's hands now.
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I am almost lost for words. There are no depths to which this vile man will not sink. I didn't think he could shock me anymore. More fool me, I guess. Rob Reiner was a better man for his whole life than Trump has ever been for a single second of his. Thank you for all you gave us, Rob. R.I.P.
December 15, 2025 at 5:14 PM
I am almost lost for words. There are no depths to which this vile man will not sink. I didn't think he could shock me anymore. More fool me, I guess. Rob Reiner was a better man for his whole life than Trump has ever been for a single second of his. Thank you for all you gave us, Rob. R.I.P.
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our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
December 8, 2025 at 4:17 PM
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
I couldn't shoot a deer, but under the right circumstances I would probably slap one in the face.
December 8, 2025 at 7:34 AM
I couldn't shoot a deer, but under the right circumstances I would probably slap one in the face.
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"Say it!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
December 6, 2025 at 4:37 PM
"Say it!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
"No!"
"Say it, Hans."
"My name's not Hans!"
"I WILL drop you."
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
"Die Hard is a Christmas movie!"
Reposted
With the way things have been going, I think there should be a universally recognized "no guilt trip" amnesty for cancelling plans you made more than a week ago. Like, last week? I have lived several lives since then. I know not the person I once was, and this new person definitely can’t make it so
December 3, 2025 at 4:25 PM
With the way things have been going, I think there should be a universally recognized "no guilt trip" amnesty for cancelling plans you made more than a week ago. Like, last week? I have lived several lives since then. I know not the person I once was, and this new person definitely can’t make it so
Why does Kash Patel always look like a deer in headlights?
December 2, 2025 at 10:56 PM
Why does Kash Patel always look like a deer in headlights?
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For this year’s nativity scene, I’m replacing the three wise men with ICE agents handcuffing Baby Jesus.
December 2, 2025 at 5:37 PM
For this year’s nativity scene, I’m replacing the three wise men with ICE agents handcuffing Baby Jesus.
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Kelly: He runs around on stage talking about lethality and the warrior ethos.. That’s not the message that should be coming from the Secretary of Defense… He runs around on a stage like he’s a 12 year old playing army. It’s embarrassing.
December 1, 2025 at 9:12 PM
Kelly: He runs around on stage talking about lethality and the warrior ethos.. That’s not the message that should be coming from the Secretary of Defense… He runs around on a stage like he’s a 12 year old playing army. It’s embarrassing.
You can be your own secret Santa with tequila and Amazon Prime.
December 1, 2025 at 4:45 PM
You can be your own secret Santa with tequila and Amazon Prime.
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The president is a political cartoon of corruption come to life, a gaudy grifter who is selling off pardons and lining his pockets, building a golden ballroom and protecting his fellow sex predator elites, all the while regular Americans are suffering and struggling to make ends meet.
Run on *that*
Run on *that*
November 30, 2025 at 5:02 PM
The president is a political cartoon of corruption come to life, a gaudy grifter who is selling off pardons and lining his pockets, building a golden ballroom and protecting his fellow sex predator elites, all the while regular Americans are suffering and struggling to make ends meet.
Run on *that*
Run on *that*
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I feel like one of the most underrated explanations for what's happening right now in global politics is that almost everyone has lost their minds.
November 30, 2025 at 2:59 AM
I feel like one of the most underrated explanations for what's happening right now in global politics is that almost everyone has lost their minds.
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The world's cutest juvenile delinquents
November 21, 2025 at 3:32 PM
The world's cutest juvenile delinquents
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Since getting home from work I’ve cleaned my living room, kitchen and bathroom, called my mother, done two loads of laundry, made a delicious stew in my slow cooker, arranged a date, AND cuddled all three guinea pigs.
I’m not just in the zone. I am
Mayor of the zone.
I’m not just in the zone. I am
Mayor of the zone.
November 18, 2025 at 8:16 PM
Since getting home from work I’ve cleaned my living room, kitchen and bathroom, called my mother, done two loads of laundry, made a delicious stew in my slow cooker, arranged a date, AND cuddled all three guinea pigs.
I’m not just in the zone. I am
Mayor of the zone.
I’m not just in the zone. I am
Mayor of the zone.
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No but her name is @catherinelucey.bsky.social and everyone should follow her
November 19, 2025 at 5:16 AM
No but her name is @catherinelucey.bsky.social and everyone should follow her
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I’m still thinking about “quiet, piggy.” No president should be able to speak to a member of the press that way and remain president. That moment encapsulates how vile, misogynistic, and horrible that man is.
November 18, 2025 at 2:34 PM
I’m still thinking about “quiet, piggy.” No president should be able to speak to a member of the press that way and remain president. That moment encapsulates how vile, misogynistic, and horrible that man is.
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Epstein survivor: "Today we stand in a moment that will decide whether our government still belongs to the American people or to those who prey on them."
November 18, 2025 at 2:51 PM
Epstein survivor: "Today we stand in a moment that will decide whether our government still belongs to the American people or to those who prey on them."