why's it called a bbq competition and not a meat up

SUCK IT DORK

[at restaurant]

THEM: what wine do you think pairs best with the moroccan short rib tagine

ME: idk ask the some liar

THEM: the some…you mean the sommelier?

ME: [through a mouthful of bread] yeah some liar who lies about wine

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that's cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

[a horse walks into a bar]

bartender: what can i get you

horse: what no that’s not how this format goes you’re supposed to say why the long f… you know what nvm just show me where i can get some water

bartender: i could but then i can’t make you drink

horse: what

a Ratatouille rat that just makes me lay in bed all day

I stole my therapist's notebook and every page is just those cool S shapes from the 90s

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife's wedding dress] laundry

Embroidery helps, though

recipes on the internet are like:

… anyway my father collected the raisins from the raisin trees
… and the smell of hedgehog in the morning always made my tummy rumble
… these days my kids live entirely off tide pods

anyway, to boil water you’ll first need a cup of water and a mortar & pestle